Nighttime Struggles
by Simplydigi
Summary: Rey and Ben are at an impasse. After Crait, the only time they can let their guards down is when one of them is asleep. Both want something more, neither has any idea how to get there. The light rises to meet the dark, but the dark has more tricks up his sleeve... and he knows exactly how to use them.
1. Chapter 1: Rey

This is the first time she's seen him sleep.

She's on her back, too afraid to move for fear of waking the huge man lying to her right. He's on his side facing her, near enough for her to feel his breath but far enough for her to be a little cold, and a large section of his hair has fallen in front of his closed eyes. She wants to move his hair, turn and relax into his warmth. Instead she focuses her attention on the near half meter of joined cracks in the ceiling.

How does the Force know to mesh her cot and his bed to the same height? Surely the Force has bigger things to guide than the meeting of two resting spots a galaxy away from each other. She breathes slowly, extremely aware of the heavy hand curved loosely on her side, just below her left breast. Has it only been minutes since he reached out in his sleep? An hour, at most?

He can't be comfortable, lying a foot away from her with his arm bridged between their bodies. The calming rhythm of his breath almost covers the hum of the generator just outside her door. Her eyes adjusted to the dark ages ago, so she can just make out dark circles beneath his closed eyes. He needs the sleep. She has no sense of time, only that this moment is important.

She _ought_ to throw his hand aside, strike him where he lays. Nevermind the ache that thought causes her. She _should_ take advantage of his weakness, she _should_ -

Her stomach gurgles. His hand twitches.

She tenses up and feels another small spasm in her belly. Thankfully it makes no sound, and he still seems as relaxed as before.

She curses to herself that, of all nights, tonight she chose to gorge herself. Adjusting to the ready supply of nutrition available was proving difficult, even more than being surrounded by growing numbers of rebels after years of near solitude.

She closes her eyes and remembers the first time Poe and Finn threw away leftover scraps in front of her. Somehow she had missed this normal routine in eating real food, but when she finally saw the waste... she was _angry_. They were nonchalant about throwing their remaining food into the bin, until they looked up and saw her wide eyes. Reliving the memory causes her shock to resonate through her once more. They _easily_ tossed a half-portion equivalent into the compactor chute. That could keep her going for two or three day cycles!

Every meal after, for weeks, she'd insist on finishing anyone's plate rather than throwing away nutrition. She didn't care what was left- she ate it.

Once, she felt Ben's reproaching thoughts. She had looked up from shoving her face, to see him across the cafeteria watching her with a slight wince in his eyes and jaw. It was a rare moment of eye contact. His eyes bore sadness... like he was worried about her. She had slowed down and realized she'd never thought twice about whether or not she _should_ eat everyone else's food.

Then she looked away and kept eating. She felt when the bond closed and tried not to think about his face.

Before leaving Jakku, she had never known it was possible to overeat. There was no way he could understand that. A lifetime of starvation never prepared her for the day when food could just be a casual resource, and she certainly wasn't going to stop eating just because a boy looked at her funny.

Every meal, she finished plates of leftovers, until five day cycles previous, when she realized her leggings were tighter, and she couldn't flow through her staff forms properly in them. She looked down and realized she wasn't bony anymore. She could still see hipbones, but the space between her thighs was getting smaller. Leia had mentioned how much healthier she seemed to be getting, specifically saying Rey was "filling out", and she would have some Resistance uniforms made in Rey's new measurements.

"After all," Leia had continued while patting Rey's shoulder, "we plan on taking very good care of our Resistance Jedi."

Rey's face gets warm just thinking of that moment. She already owes so much to Leia for taking her in after the Resistance was brought so low at Crait. Leia never asked, and she couldn't bring herself to explain where she had been, or who she was with. She can feel Leia's curiosity about how she got to the Resistance so quick, when she was supposed to be far away looking for Luke. Something, thankfully, keeps her from asking. Maybe she doesn't want to ask because she misses her brother, and this would be too painful to talk about?

She feels guilt make her chest feel thick. She's responsible for the Resistance's demise at the hands of the First Order. The least she can do is not eat everything in sight. Let those uniforms go to someone else who really needs them.

Ben takes in a sudden deep breath and seems to frown, slightly moving his head to the right. She sees what he's unconsciously trying to do, leans over to him without thought, his hand on her body staying put. She lightly brushes the strands of hair away from his face.

He's so warm.

Her thoughts catch up with her actions. She's brave for a moment longer and rests her left hand on top of his right, telling herself she's simply helping him relax again. His hand feels strong. The deep etch in his face is visible from his cheek, down his neck, into his sleep shirt. Rey's heart is physically heavier at the sight of him.

If she had been able to bring him home, the Resistance wouldn't be in shambles now.

The First Order never would have focused on the medical transports in the midst of chaos caused by Snoke's death _and_ Kylo Ren's disappearance.

Leia would have her son to offer Resistance uniforms to, not an orphaned scavenger who did nothing to have a part in their story.

Rey can't keep herself from huffing aloud at her inner thoughts as she redirects her line of sight back to the ceiling.

She _knows_ the threadbare fabrics she wore while starving on a blistering desert had long been overdue for replacement. Knowing that and being able to do anything about it were very different. Three weeks rations for new pants? No. She struggles to think of what would be worth three weeks in meals here. She can't bring anything to mind. And, her leggings _shouldn't_ fit after months of eating at least two meals a day.

She also knows she wouldn't choose any different path than the one she took.

She could have taken his hand... The same hand that currently rests along her side. The hand that makes her feel safe, understood.

But then her friends would be dead.

She can't make herself regret any decisions she made that day. Going to Ben was _right_. She wanted to trust him, and she did, she _had_ trusted him fully. But... that trust more than wavered while being tortured mid-air.

An unconscious shudder is firm through her body and her eyes close. Ben's hand tightens, slightly pulls her body to him before his arm relaxes again. The tenor of his dream slips through the bond, and she sees black, gray smoke, vibrant red, swirling together. Her memories must be directing the shape of his dreams. She feels a surge of protectiveness, like when she saved BB-8 from the sandpeople on Jakku. It surprises her; she's only been protective of her droids, of her AT-AT, her friends...

She's protective of what's hers.

That thought feels _right_. She sighs, because she's fairly sure if they were both awake right now, they wouldn't be within ten meters of each other. The intimacy here was only allowed because his guard was down, and it would disappear with the sun. She tries to not let that hurt, and fails.

Their meetings happen almost on a daily basis but they're fleeting, and their days don't seem to mesh. There's no way for her to tell what time of day it is when he's surrounded by the black of space. She'll wake and stretch, only to look over and see him at a desk surrounded by datapads. It always appears as though he's been for there hours, if the state of his hair is any indicator. He'll lock eyes with her, sometimes immediately attempting to tie his tresses back, sometimes giving a plaintive " _fuck it_ " look at his desk, clearly meant for whatever opinions she may have. The Force will connect them while he's battling a training droid and she's eating dinner. She'll try to ignore his shirtless training attire, and her incredible fear that his lightsaber will slice through someone leaving the dinner line, while trying to follow conversations rounding the table, _and_ eating everyone's remaining nutrition. It's overwhelming.

A thousand other meetings, playing roulette with her days.

They hardly ever address each other, never crossing the minefield their experiences have created. This has become her routine. Their routine.

He's always far away. She wonders if he thinks she's always far away too.

She suddenly remembers that different planets have different star paths, so the time of day she might discern on Jakku means absolute bantha shit anywhere else. Months into her new life out of the desert haven't helped her understand the realities of space travel. She feels lost, stupid, incompetent, for the millionth time, but only allows those feelings for a few seconds. Constant negative self-degradation kills in Niima because it dulls the senses. If Jakku taught her anything, it was to persevere past emotions after allowing herself to feel them. She feels her shame for only a second more, then focuses on Ben. He doesn't twitch in his sleep anymore. Is that good, like deeper sleep? Or is he about to wake up?

They've only met across the bond after dark twice over six months. Tonight is the second time.

The first night, Rey slept hard. She knows he was with her because it was three months after Crait, almost to the day, and it was the first night she slept for more than an hour straight.

Those three months were difficult. His distant, erratic emotions had been painful meteor strikes against her psyche. She felt more lost than ever before, because of him. He took away hope for her parents, and hope for him, but she still _wanted to hope_ and had nothing to hold on to. She was rejected, hurt, and angry. Eventually she realized she had friends who saw her despair and tried to help, and she started learning how to try for them. There were weeks of feeling his seething fury, and then she wanted to try for him. She'd reach tendrils of herself to his mind whenever the bond was a fragment open, trying to understand his side. She'd reach... and, without fail, he'd slam all avenues shut immediately upon sensing her. He kept the bond closed, with fragments, and there were no meetings between them.

The Resistance seemed to be dying- only forty survivors crammed in the Millenium Falcon made it alive, and one of those was in a morphine induced sleep until she healed herself, or until they could find her proper medical attention. No one would have made it if not for Rey lifting those boulders, and all the attention she got for it, in the midst of her painful guilt, made her sometimes wish, quietly and horribly, that she hadn't gotten to them in time. Why could she save strangers and not him?

There was so much work to do, and so many allies that didn't respond to their cries for help, and just looking at Leia being strong for everyone made her think of Ben waking up alone on the Supremacy, of the look in his eyes when she closed the ramp to the _Falcon_. Rose waking from her morphine nap brought a bit of joy to the Resistance, until people saw how enamored she was with Finn, who was plainly, sweetly, not interested. Rey saw parallels in Rose's rejection, so she tried for Rose, too. Her soul hurt, and no amount of jabbing from Finn or smiles from Leia or Poe were enough.

Then, one night, she slept. She didn't see him and she was so deep in sleep she didn't remember a dream when she woke. But she _knows_ he was there, just as sure as she knows going to him was right. The morning after that sleep, she woke feeling more energized than she had since… she actually couldn't remember waking up that sure and positive before. She had felt his presence, for a breath, before it faded off. She'd started her day in a blissful haze she'd never felt before, not sure if her hunch was right but sure she'd never have to think about it again. He hated the whisper of her, after all.

A/N: Hello!! I got the idea for this story while falling asleep with my love. He's tired, stretched thin, and I usually insist we go to sleep together. He had his hand resting under mine the same way Ben and Rey were resting in this story, and I was so struck by how peaceful it was I had to get up and stay up for five and half hours to get this down. Irony, I know... hey, I'm at peace for tonight!

Chapters 1 and 2 up tonight. More to come soon!

I haven't published my own work before so I am looking for reviews! Not a oneshot, I am interested in where the story takes me. I would appreciate your follow, reviews, and support!


	2. Chapter 2: Kylo

She's drawing circles on his hand with her fingers and remembering.

Something shifted over the weeks after her deep sleep. The bond was flexed, spread, oh so slightly opened, slowly to the point where Rey hardly noticed each microchasm building on a previous one. Then, roughly five months after Crait, she noticed they were keeping the bond mostly open, all his thoughts and feelings flowing freely into her own. There was anger and frustration... but also stress, loneliness, need for belonging. It felt like her, but with a strange aftertaste of semsation. Her, but not her. She understood his own sense of being lost- being Supreme Leader of an organization he was only ever trained to be an assassin for... how could that be anything but overwhelming? They still refrained from speaking to each other. Never a direct sentence. Just their separate thoughts and feelings blending together and drifting apart.

It was better than constantly being closed off.

She had been in training, flowing through positions with her staff. Half of her was feeling his side the bond, half of her adjusting her stances. He associated his officers with colors, and in that moment the red-orange association was intensely bothering him. She wanted to roll her eyes... he felt _everything_ intensely.

She flowed to her next stance, and then everything went still. Suddenly Ben was walking in the training room, in full command regalia.

Rey froze. No mask... is this Ben, or Kylo Ren?

It didn't matter. He was here to take her. No time to warn her friends.

Her heart thudded loudly, the only sound in the room.

His expression was caught off guard, then hostile. At her? Didn't he plan this?

"This isn't _enough_ , Hux. Don't pester me until you have the information I need." He walked by, half a meter away but looking straight ahead. He flashed his eyes to her, and then he was gone.

After calming her breath, she went back to her flow. He was still quietly in the back of her head, just as shocked as Rey.

She somehow forgot how tall he was.

The bond connected them every day cycle after that. He didn't seem caught off guard again, and they both adjusted to seeing the other on a regular basis. Her solution was to never acknowledge him, ever. His was to shoot unrelenting glares at her from afar, before going on with whatever he had been doing before.

She eventually stopped avoiding his eye when they met, choosing instead to face his glares head on. He was still angry at her and she understood why. To be honest, she was still angry at him too. The anger didn't overpower the other feelings, but it was easiest to identify.

She didn't realize how fully he was in her being, until suddenly there was hot anger spliced with fierce resolve. The bond was slammed so tightly shut she didn't know if she could remember how to breathe.

A week of nothing. No emotions. No information. No meetings, not even fleeting ones. She listened for gossip, news, guesses, from anyone and everyone. Not one word of Kylo Ren. It made her fear for Ben.

One week turned to two.

When two turned to almost three, Rey was very near to stealing a fighter and finding out what the hell was going on herself.

Halfway through the third week. She'd been working on ships all day, plotting which would be easiest to take, how she'd explain herself if she came back. After dinner. After dinner she'd leave. Her nerves were electric, but her bag was packed, stashed in the corner of the droid repair center behind boxes. She knew what Ben was to the Resistance, and she had to leave quickly, no telling anyone. She thought about telling Leia, assuring her she'd be back. Leia, however, was the last person she wanted to talk about Ben with. She imagined returning, being the one to tell Leia that her son was hurt, booted from power, _killed_.

It really was best if she stay distracted. She laughed more at dinner, willing herself to make good memories if she couldn't return.

The slightest bit of buzz was back in her head, and she didn't think it was the power generators all about to combust. She felt the sudden urge to go back to her room. She had just enough time to quickly excuse herself, forcing her legs to walk at a normal pace until she reached the hall. There she felt the world still, for a moment.

Then she ran.

Immediately after closing her door, he was there, at his desk, surrounded by datapads. They met eyes, and she impatiently waited for an explanation. His eyes were hard.

"You're excused," he said shortly, looking behind Rey at some unseen entity. She heard a door slide open. Her eyes never left his, and as the door shut his eyes flashed back to her. They stayed like that for an unknown amount of time. The tension was thick. His stare was so intense, she barely registered her own step forward.

"Come closer, I'll kill you where you stand."

She feels like she was punched in the stomach.

"I was worried you got hurt."

"Why would you worry? I'd expect you to celebrate."

She felt the hostility come off him in waves, but there's more... there's betrayal, rejection... he's protecting himself... from her? Flashes of the throne room, of blurred fighting, her yell when the Praetorian Guard sliced her arm.

Then it's gone. Blank. No one but her.

"How are you controlling the bond?" she tried. _Just talk to me. Tell me what happened_ , she sends. He offered no indication he heard her.

"Cautiously and fully. Now get out."

He waved his hand, and she felt a quick push, like the wind over a huge dune shoved her back to her room. She's left alone, her bed in front of her instead of the black tile leading to his desk.

There's relief at him being alive, and then she's pissed. She wanted to kick something, hard, but didn't.

A few minutes went by before she admitted to herself he wouldn't be returning tonight.

She readied for bed physically but was mentally wandering through her options. Push her way through? Demand they speak? Accept his hatred and move on in life? Pulling a Jedi book from under her bed and sorting through it gave no relief, though she spent an hour searching through it. Nothing on bonds to be found. She finally decided sleep would give her whatever it was she searched for. It came quickly and there were no dreams.

She awoke to a soft warm breeze in her face, and slight pressure on her ribs. Her eyes slowly blinked open, and her ears caught a slow cadence of breath before her eyes registered the sight before her.

Ben, asleep, in her bed. He was twitching every few minutes, but otherwise the most peaceful being she'd ever seen.

The initial shock was strong, almost causing her to jump out of bed and call her staff to her hand. She fought that first instinct when she registered his hand on her side. The same hand she could have taken those months ago.

Now, her hand above his, fingers lightly drawing circles into his skin, she never wants the night to end. She's had time to _really_ look at him, in ways he never permitted before. The tiny splay of freckles across his face surprised her. The softness of his hair did not- he seems to be quite proud of his hair when awake. She's still not sure how or why he's here, but she isn't going to question it.

Slowly, she fades into sleep herself, fighting it every step of the way.

Ben, Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader, whatever the hell his name is these days, waits to leave until she starts twitching in her sleep. He woke at her fingers brushing his face, and he could feel her shot of protectiveness. He wanted to sit up and crush her to his chest at that. He wanted to laugh at the idea of being like BB-8 to her, just another thing to collect, play with until sold to the highest bidder like every other heartless piece of machine in the universe. But a smaller, not yet overpowered part of him believes she's genuine, chooses to see a side of the Resistance Jedi who wants to protect the First Order's Supreme Leader. Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to protect her Ben. So he kept his eyes closed and relaxed.

He rises with her planet's sun, takes one last look, then shifts back to his _Supremacy_. The anger towards her abandonment is still there, but after sleeping that well for the first time in years, maybe a decade, he can choose to put the anger away for a while. He can't tolerate seeing her and not being with her in the day anymore. It hurts, more than it should. He knows about all her friends, all their nuances, because she never gave him the chance to teach her about mind deflection with the Force. He knows where they are. He knows what his mother had for breakfast every day, up to nearly three weeks ago. Closing the bond, keeping it shut, took all his energy, all his control over the Force. Tonight he finally gave in, gave up.

He knows how he can destroy the Resistance, and the scavenger, if he chose.

If he were honest with himself, he'd say he stopped thinking of her as the scavenger a long time ago.

He decides to "accidentally" slip into her bed at night some more. Waking up to tiny circles rubbed into his hand and soft fingertios in his hair brought him a Light Jedi level of peace he'd been missing for many years.

Now, to see what the perpetual red-orange Hux needs today.

A/N: Please rate and review for me! I'm so excited to see what you think!


	3. Chapter 3: Vision

A/N: Trigger warning, there are descriptions of hand to hand combat violence towards the end of this chapter. You can skip past it if you want and I'll include a synopsis in the end notes. I'm personally very proud of that section!

Days like today make him wish he could be weak.

The red scourge is testing him. They will not, in any way, be rebuilding _Starkiller_ , no matter what nonsense spews out of the General's mouth. The costs are insurmountable- the astronomical expenses, the logistical labyrinth, the manpower that would take, and he doesn't trust the First Order engineers to be capable of making this fourth Death Star attempt any less explosive than the last three. Their plan, to spend five to ten years rebuilding then traversing the galaxy in search of any systems sheltering insurgents, seemed lofty at best. Hux's eyes had gleamed at doing more than _searching_ those systems, but he offered no solutions to making it happen. The other generals strongly supported the madman's vision for the First Order's unquestionable command of the galaxy. He could also sense their willingness for the lightsaber-weilding Supreme Leader to direct any wrath he might have at the fiery redhead who spoke for them. They were intelligent, but cowardly.

The urge to strangle all of them rose steadily throughout the presentation. How he had managed to avoid slamming even the slightest injury on Hux, he had no idea. He, instead, was able to keep his expression blank as he requested time to consider their plan before calmly adjourning. They always seemed surprised he wasn't throwing them around as his predecessor had. The naive side of Kylo, if there still was one, wanted to earn their respect, not ignite their fear.

He was curious to see which of them might attempt strike him first, in this apparent ease of temperament. Maybe they knew he could read their intentions at will, because today he could only feel the intentions of men ready to retire for the evening.

He had no such luxury.

Here at his desk, hours later, he's surrounded by datapads full of earnings reports, population over time estimations, upcoming payments due to banks all over the galaxy. Floating above his desk is a rotating holo displaying blueprints of this new _Deathhunter_ ship being proposed. It would require a 17.43% increase every year in storm trooper training to maintain the new ship alone, over construction and launch. Five to ten years of increases like that was impossible if he meant to keep control over the First Order that entire time. He rattled his brain on how they could redirect resources long enough to keep his entire fleet staffed, while storm troopers guarded the construction. There was _no way_ this was feasible.

Maybe that was the intention.

Hux knew if he refused this outright, he would be seen as contemptuous at best, weak and unfit for power at worst. He _needed_ the respect of his military to keep the entire Order in line. What better way to alienate the military leaders from the Supreme Leader than to make him appear unwilling to strengthen their powers?

Worse, it was as if Hux, maybe all the generals, wanted to keep him occupied so they could spin their wheels locating the Resistance. He _knew_ Hux and his lackeys had no knowledge on the insurgents' whereabouts, but this ridiculous plan kept him from calling them out. He had to spend his time combing through any possibilities around the authorization of _Deathhunter_.

If they knew where the Resistance hid, he could consider compromises for building a version of that monstrosity they called a ship. After all, he could stomach destroying the traitors on one deserted planet. He would _not_ permit the destruction of multiple systems based off potential sightings. His constant fear of Snoke as a child, festering into resentment and loathing as an adult, made something click in that meeting. He understands lengths people will go to be rid of something they hate. Destroying planet after planet would rid them of one enemy while sparking the wildfire of another. He needs to put out the damn fire.

 _Starkiller's_ demise was the only benefit that came from one of the _worst_ worst days of his life. He's taken back to the freezing snow, sweat dripping down his face, the bowcaster shot throbbing at his side, blood seeping through his robes on the ground around him, punching his wounds before striking at the defector and the girl. The _whole fucking planet_ was splintering beneath him as he hunted her. He feels the bowcaster wound throb again at his right side, but he knows the medical droids have healed him entirely by now. There's no reason for him to feel pain there.

Hatred for the decision to destroy the Hosnian system brings bitter bile to his throat. The waste of resources and civilization on _Starkiller_ and the Hosnian system- beyond inexcusable. Alliances could have shifted! Did they have to keep making the same damn mistakes, over and over again? The eradication of Alderaan was the catalyst leading to open support for the Rebellion across the galaxy. Was Hux trying to make the First Order _more_ abhorrent when he gave the order to shoot? He's reminded of Alderaan, of the Organa family, shoves that aside. This is about the First Order, not some old family claim to righteousness.

It was painfully apparent how the generals played the insurgents' half-year disappearance as evidence for a grand First Order victory. _Victory_ , rather than an obvious systematic failure in their information channels. Fanatical about everything else, yet willing to wave off the remnants of the rebellion they built roving planet killers to destroy? Absolutely not.

It was almost as if Armitage Hux knew that Kylo had a direct path to the insurgents, and he was simply waiting for that information to be volunteered.

Kylo closes his eyes, shaking his head. Yes, he knows where they are. Even now he can hear the girl laughing with her treasoners over the disgusting sludge they called coffee. They're sitting outside in a yellow field of grass, mountains in the distance behind them. The strange girl, named for an ancient plant of all things, is to her left, and the deserter is to her right. Kylo doesn't see the pilot, but he must be nearby. That man doesn't seem to put much distance between himself and Rey when he's around. Sure enough, there's his voice- the pilot sounds like he's running towards them, something about new plans for a resistance base a kilometer away. _Not far enough_ , he thinks. He watches Rey's face fall slightly, then instantly perk back up.

So she doesn't want to leave.

She has a simple braid running the side of her head that gathers into a plait down her back. The strange girl sports a similar braid, but her hair is too short. It doesn't look right compared to the girl next to her, and she's self conscious.

The pilot approaches, sits too close to Rey. His hand grazes her knee and Kylo fights the urge to make that blaster on his hip go off with the Force. Rey doesn't seem to notice the pilot's touch- is that a denial of his advances or is she _familiar_ with them? Kylo makes himself focus elsewhere.

They're talking about another raid on a nearby Outlier planet, the resources they're hunting for. Now the deserter tells a story Kylo hasn't heard about _yet another time_ he survives, when he should have been unable to escape his demise. The details flow past Kylo- he only cares that the traitor keeps surviving when he shouldn't. She's listening intensely, and he sees the laugh freeze, fear in her eyes for her friend's safety barely subdued because, _of course_ , he survived another adventure with the pilot. The strange girl is leaning forward so much she almost blocks his view of Rey. Will the deserter ever return her attraction? Probably not, but who is he to care?

The warmth from their planet's sun flows to his face and if he focuses he can almost feel the wind moving his hair. It's been years since he's been able to simply relax planetside- there's always been a mission, a goal. Then, as he often does these days, he focuses too intensely on her tan cheeks and bright eyes. Those eyes shift to her left, in his direction but not quite on target. Birds chirping in the background go silent for half a second.

He brings himself back to his present to avoid the full connection. There are no longer tall blades of yellow. Black marble tiles flow through the room instead. The subdued glow from the blueprints holo is a sad replacement for her sun. The lack of wind leaves his body chilled.

The Bond is getting stronger. Before he could only see her; now his senses are flooded with her surroundings, seeing everything around her as if she is an arm's breadth away, as if he's with her.

A pulse of wishing she had seen him.

Facts. He needs facts. He needs to see how competent his generals are in getting the Resistance hideout information for themselves. They should be able to find her planet, tell him the exact coordinates where she sits, the time it will take to redirect a single TIE fighter from their fleet to the floating rock they've buried their heads in.

He imagines flying to her planet, finding her his only goal. He feels his blood gets warmer.

 _His room fades away and he is surrounded by grass fires, smoke wafting from downed fighters and a sparking_ _Millenium Falcon._ _This is different than their bond- something about this feels true and false in a way nothing else has before. He's trying to establish where he is, but the helmet is restricting. He doesn't remember wearing the helmet a moment ago. There are some bodies lying still on the ground, new blood spots getting bigger on their clothing. Running feet ahead of him- others are coming at him full force. Blasters start shooting._

 _The bloodlust hits him, takes him higher._

 _He will kill every single rebel himself, alone._

 _He will revel in their destruction._

 _He skewers three Resistance fighters at once, then their heads are on the ground. General Organa is far away, running away alongside the Resistance pet they call a Jedi. So this is what their General does for her people. Runs and takes his prize. His resolve hardens. No blaster bolt will strike him- he throws them back at their shooters and they fall. A whirl of electric red, he is barely and entirely in control. Another group of insurgents in pieces on the ground, and he sees the pilot there with the deserter. A woman ahead of him runs toward the deserter, profuse bleeding out his neck and right hip._

 _Rose. The strange girl._

 _He remembers her name but barely registers her fall when he strikes her at the waist. His next strike guarantees the deserter finally meets his end. He leaves the pilot where he lays, refusing to deliver a quick end._

 _His mask is covered in blood and gore, heralding screams and pain the Resistance has never experienced and never will again._

 _At the end, when all the rest have fallen, he finds them ahead of him, the General and the Scavenger. He can see the girl's fear. The General says something he can't hear, then she pushes the girl away. She faces him, walking forward. He glances back- there's one last ship upright, untouched, far behind them, hiding in the brush. The girl is running, looks back, trips, keeps running toward the ship. He forces his attention back on the General- she is between him and his prey._

 _There is no fear in his mother's eyes as she faces the man she helped create. He's sure she can see his eyes past the mask. He hates it._

 _He twitches a finger, breaking their General's neck and he casts the corpse aside, watching this one fall lifeless to the dirt._

 _He pauses, feeling nothing, then gives chase to the girl._

 _She's fast. He's faster. The Force reaches her legs before he does, knocks them out from under her. She scrambles to get up, but he's too close. She falls again._

 _The bloodlust rises more._

 _She hurries to stand up again, faces him, and is ready for the fight. There are tears for her General but he knows they only make her stronger._

 _He stares her down. She isn't afraid anymore, tightening her grip on the staff in her hands. Her hair... it's the same braid, he thinks he remembers it from somewhere? He wonders if she ever made her own saber._

 _She has the same resilience he saw in her General, and she rushes him._

 _No more thought. He won't play this game with her again._

 _He opens the full force of their bond, pushing every inch of his suffering and every dead insurgent's last moments into her head. She grabs her head, falls to the ground, screams._

 _It makes his ears ring._

 _He stalks her slowly. She looks up and sees herself reflected back in his mask. He tastes her fear. Through the bond he sees himself, towering over her._

 _Until the moment he snaps her in half._

He jumps out of the meditation, breathing heavy.

His room is dark, but there's no smoke, no metallic stench of blood. He careens around and finds his helmet where he retired it months ago, on the pedestal near Vader's.

It's spotless.

That makes him take a deeper breath, and he tries to slow his racing heart. Her death makes him want to retch. Her death at _his_ hand. He clenches his fist.

Why does he want to reach to her, ensure she's safe? What stops him from flying to their deaths instantly? He should want all of it to be true.

He remembers the bond. Was it open? Is his horrifying vision in her head too? He remembers his force on her- he didn't strike her down with his saber.

Heart racing faster. Not in control. He closes his eyes, afraid he'll see her broken body.

The smell of petrichor surrounds him.

She's racing to get inside her shelter, rain pouring around her. The sky has gone dark gray, lightning claps in the distance. A roll of thunder. There's yelling and laughter behind her. She's exhilarated to be surrounded by this much water.

She's safe.

A thread of her tries to slip through, can she sense his panic for her? Is it as clear to her as it is confusing to him? He almost throws her out of his head but then he'll be entirely alone again, and he can't force himself to endure it. Not after that vision. He'd rather control the bond than close it. _Embarrassing_. She wonders at his embarrassment but says nothing. Good. He couldn't bear to respond to her anyway.

It's too early for sleep but he isn't hungry and he feels too drained to visit the training droids, for once. He feels a soothing stream of… something… run through his veins. It's not electric, not like when they touched fingers those months ago. But it is calming. He shouldn't want to be calmed but he allows it as he lets her test the ability to open the bond.

He feels all her attention on him and he smiles the slightest bit. She's safe, and she doesn't seem to know what was just in his head.

She'll be awake for hours more. He has time, before he will visit her tonight. He closes the bond to the smallest window he'll permit, and decides to rest.

A/N: Thank you for the reviews and follows so far!

Vision synopsis: Kylo Ren feels himself attack the Resistance forces alone and single handedly massacres everyone. He kills Rose and Finn, sees Poe on the ground but doesn't kill him, wanting him to suffer and too focused on finding Rey to confirm. He finds Leia and Rey. Leia tells Rey to run to the last working ship and tries to face Kylo Ren alone. He kills her then chases Rey. She tries to fight him but he pushes bad juju at her through the bond, then kills her. The vision ends.

This chapter was _so_ much fun to write. I wasn't aware I'd be writing Kylo Ren in all his glory, but letting myself really imagine what it would look like in a movie then describing it helped. I'm not naturally a pro-violence person, so I hope I haven't crossed lines with you. Please give me feedback!

I have free time right now so hopefully quick posts are headed our way, and I'm excited to keep travelling down this rabbit hole with you!


	4. Chapter 4: Sisters

He's asleep, or very near to it.

She's soaking wet from the rain, they all are, and her coffee is ruined. But she's happy, and made happier at the idea of him sleeping. She knows this is hours earlier than he typically goes to bed. She remembers his hand below her breast, pulling her closer, and she remembers waking up alone like it was a dream... she know's it wasn't. They need to talk, soon, figure out what's going on.

But… what was all _that_ about?

She only got glimpses of his thoughts… and they weren't really thoughts. Memories maybe? But they were vivid in the way old memories usually aren't. Those fade over time, like now she can't quite remember the horrible smell Plutt always gave off, when she was sure it would be permanently stuck in her nasal cavity. Sweat, rotten portions and some other tainted odor... This was like watching a holo. Or what she saw when she touched Luke's lightsaber for the first time at Maz's cantina. She saw fire, and blood, and she felt his rage as he struck things… people? She thinks she recognized Finn, bleeding on the ground...

"Need a towel?" Poe asks her as he drapes one around her shoulders. She accepts it and starts to pad dry her braid, but notices how he keeps his hands on her shoulders a moment too long. His light touch on her knee was also in the front of her mind. She did feel Ben's reaction, and it took all her self control to not react. She couldn't even begin thinking what that could mean. It could have been an accident… but knowing Poe, it probably wasn't.

"Thanks," she responds a heartbeat too late. He shoots her half a grin, then starts to walk off. Rey looks at Rose, who starts to smile before winking at Rey.

"He likes you!" Rose laughs, softly elbowing Rey in the side. "Finn, did you see-"

"Hey," Finn calls out to Poe's retreating form while rubbing a towel into his hair. "When are we supposed to leave for the new base?"

"Two weeks, tops." Poe's facial expression isn't as sure as his voice sounds. He comes back, leaning over Finn's shoulder into the group and whispers, "but y'all don't know anything, you get me? This could go up in flames, and I probably shouldn't have told you just yet. Leia thinks she's secured us a bigwig ally, and bigwigs want to make sure their investments live long enough for a good return. We've been at this spot for a good long while, longer than we should've."

His comm link vibrates against his wrist. He leans in to whisper something to Finn. He nods his head and Rey loses focus for a second.

Leia's voice. She sees Kylo Ren ahead of her, bodies and blood surrounded by smoke. Her veins turn to ice. Leia faces her, and says something before pushing her away… she can't quite make it out. Tears flood her vision...

Poe has said something to Rey, but she's lost in the memory. She realizes she isn't crying, her face is dry. Her heart might have stopped. It's not her memory, and yet she thinks she heard Leia tell her something… is that possible?

Rose elbows her again and is clearly enjoying whatever is going on.

"Ow, what?" she jumps, startled and pointedly looking at Rose. Then she sees Poe, and Finn, waiting for a response. She guesses what was said and fumbles,"Yeah, sorry, dinner. See you there!"

"Great!" Poe smiles, then jogs back in his original direction.

Finn waits until Poe is out of earshot, then says, "Hey, Rey, I gotta say I don't think it's such a great idea for you to hang out with him alone. He's nice and all, and I know he's a good guy, but maybe he's just a little too… huh. Too…"

"Flyboy?" Rose finishes.

This makes Finn halfway smile.

"Yeah," he says, "Too 'flyboy'." He looks at Rey expectantly, willing her to understand what he's trying to be subtle about.

"Finn," Rey says through her own smile. Just like that, the icy veins are gone. "I appreciate it, but I'm not really interested in that sort of thing anyway."

Finn looks a little relieved, and Rey senses Rose trying not to read too deeply into that.

"Great," Finn sighs. "Because like I said, he's great. But I think if you _are_ going to be seeing anyone, you wanna be careful." He looks cautious before leaning forward and saying even quieter, "You really haven't been around a lot of people since we left Jakku. Since before you left Jakku! The Resistance is growing, sure, but it's not quite the same as everyone Poe's… met."

"He sleeps around," Rey says with amusement coloring her voice. "I get it." Finn looks away quickly, like he's worried she spoke too loudly, then nods his head. She's never seen him do that. Did she say something wrong?

"It's not necessarily a bad thing!" Rose interjects squeakily, maybe seeing something on Rey's face. "He's had…" she pauses. "Practice!" The thought makes her giggle.

"Right," Finn continues, giving Rose a strange, confused look. "It's definitely not a bad thing. He's been all over the galaxy, in risky spots, and he takes chances." He looks back at Rey, who's fighting the urge to either laugh at or hug sweet Finn for being so protective over her. "I'm just saying, you might be better off with someone who's had less... _practice_."

Rey smiles even more and says, "You're probably right. Besides, I'm thinking we'll be too busy in the next few weeks to worry about anything like that."

"A bigwig!" exclaims Rose. "Maybe that means more action than raids! Not," she says looking at Finn with wide eyes, "that your stories are boring or anything. I love them! I'm just ready to boot out the First Order. It was so much fun, breaking all that stuff in Canto Bight!

Rey thinks Rose is older than her, but she sounds so young.

"What?" Finn almost yells. "You think my stories are boring?"

"She actually said the opposite of that," Rey slides in. "Now come on, let's all get cleaned up before dinner. I have some droids to fix up before we meet up. Are we playing Sabbac again tonight?"

"I'm not sure," Finn days distractedly. "I'll ask around. Maybe Idreko has something we haven't tried yet." He then mumbles, "I can't believe you don't like my stories."

"Sounds good," Rose says fast, before giving Rey some kind of look she absolutely doesn't understand. "Rey, can I help you with those droids? It'll go by so much faster!"

"Sure…" Rey looks at Finn, who returns her look with a _I don't know so good luck_ look in his eyes.

"Alright, see you at dinner." Finn walks the other way, Rey wondering what she's gotten into.

It's not like she's never spent time with Rose alone; over the past few months she's began to appreciate Rose as a person and a mechanic. She sometimes says weird things, but Rey gets the impression that Rose is genuine. After years of dealing with complete scum, Rose's constant kindness is a curious breath of air.

They walk to the droid repair quadrant of the main shelter building. Around them are uniformed Resistance leaders, some standing in groups, a few rushing down the hall. There's a new energy about them, a kind of expectancy. Rey can feel something different in the air, with or without the Force. If Poe hadn't said anything she'd still feel this strange pull in all directions; organized chaos appears to be erupting slowly around the compound. Rose looks around every few seconds, interested in whatever is taking shape too.

"Rey," Rose begins after a few minutes. "Why don't you like Poe? I can see why him having other experiences could bother someone, but that doesn't seem like you."

Why is everyone suddenly so interested in her relationship status?

"It's not that, exactly," Rey starts, caught off guard. She has her own experiences Poe, or anyone else she assumes isn't part of a Force Bond, could never fully understand. Poe's been with people, but that's entirely his business. Why does it matter what she thinks of it?

Somehow she doesn't think others would agree that having the Supreme Leader in the back of her mind is only her business.

She wrinkles her eyebrows, trying to figure out how she can explain this without bringing up Ben.

"Where I'm from, you can't fully trust anyone. Even Healers steal from unconscious patients, even if you give them your life's savings for medicine, assuming you have any. You constantly have to watch your own back. You grow up knowing no one else will help you. And it's not Poe's past, or stealing. Well, that's the wrong thing to say. I'm sure he helps anyone who needs it. He's… fine. It's just…"

She loses her train of thought. She's never had to explain her emotions before. Her friends won't understand the constant loneliness she lived with every day of her life on Jakku. Or maybe they will? She doesn't know how to think about Ben's part in her lack of interest towards Poe. He's part of it, but… not quite that way? Or maybe it is because of him, exactly in that way? She hopes she doesn't give herself a headache trying to think this through. She _does_ actually have droids to fix before dinner.

"He's just not right?" Rose supplies, guessing Rey's thought process.

That feels closer to the mark.

"Maybe."

"Do you know what you're looking for in a partner?" Rose asks. She looks very attentive, like she genuinely wants to know if Rey has ever considered those things.

She hasn't, but maybe she should. There are new faces arriving every day, and she doesn't live in a scavenged rot of metal in a desert hell anymore. Some faces she sees every day are part of her new routine. She realizes something that Rose might understand.

"I gave up on ever having… that. I made myself ignore how I felt when I saw handsome faces. Handsome and ugly beings alike would slit my throat if it meant getting my portions or the day's water. You didn't survive if you relied on anyone. And if you needed company that badly, you could trade for that too."

She remembers the girls who were sold to comfort houses to pay their family's debts to Plutt. Some might have been younger than her, however old that was. They were unable or too afraid of heights to scavenge for their portions, but they had to survive somehow. On Jakku, sex didn't mean hardly anything, and she was strange because it meant something to her. Some people took it, and others sold it. Very rarely, beings would partner up for a short time, but they usually maimed or killed the partner before stealing everything they had. Walking past the comfort houses near Niima with her goods motivated her to jump further and be riskier every time. She was going to do her damndest to stay out of that place.

She remembers a much younger version of herself climbing rungs of sorts along the interior of a downed Imperial starship, feverish and choking back tears because her head hurt so bad. She still got the gears and comm device parts from the top of the ship, and those portions fed her for weeks.

No one cared if she was sick, except for her. She told herself back then her parents would care, but they couldn't take care of her right then. She had to keep herself alive until they came back for her. She didn't admit to anyone or anything if she was sick anyway, because admitting weakness could get her killed, or her food stolen, which was basically the same thing.

Loneliness was hard, but it kept her alive.

She comes back to herself and remembers Rose's question.

"I guess if I wanted anything from a partner, I'd want to be able to trust them entirely." She is again reminded of Ben, and Snoke, and how much she still wants to trust Ben in that way, but... "I don't know that I physically can anymore, but I want whoever I'm with to make me _want_ to trust them with everything I have." It seem like the best answer she can give right now.

Rose is quiet again, and when they get to the droids they gather their tools and settle into a comfortable silence for a few minutes

"You know," Rose began, "I get lonely when I think about my sister. She died a hero, but I'll never get to ask her why she made that choice, and I'll never get to pester her about boys again."

Rey listens, realizing this is a rare time Rose wants to talk about her past.

"It used to be just me and her, and we had each other's back all the time. I trusted her with everything I had... I don't know what's worse, having that and losing it or never having had it in the first place." Rose starts tearing up, but she still has control over her voice. "I know you never had a sister, but I really miss having one and I can help make sure you're not lonely anymore?"

Her voice goes high like she's asking a question, and it's an offer Rey has never been given before.

She doesn't entirely know what it means, having a sister, but she decides she wants to learn.

"I would love that, Rose. I hope I can help you too."

Rose smiles, the tears crest and fall, and she practically knocks Rey to the ground with the force of her hug.

Rey deals with it until Rose lets go. It felt nice.

They start pulling droid parts into separate piles, and Rose starts whistling, all seriousness from the previous moment gone.

"I like Finn," she says hesitantly.

A beat of silence.

"I know," Rey answers kindly.

"You do?"

"Yes, I do."

Rose thinks on that for a second.

"What do I do to make him like me?"

Rey smiles, because she is the _wrong_ person to ask.

"I have less than no idea. Are you sure he doesn't already?"

"No. Boys are confusing. I kissed him, but that was months ago!"

"Wasn't that when you knocked him away from the First Order cannon?" Rey asks. Of course, she knows the story from others, but she wasn't there so she wants to hear a different set of events from that day.

"Yes! I thought it was romantic, but Finn's oblivious!"

"Maybe he thinks you only kissed him because you thought you were going to die?"

"I hope not. What a waste of a great kiss."

That makes Rey laugh.

"You could try building him something."

"Like what?"

Leia listens from the edge of the doorway, enjoying the conversations of two lost young women. She's far enough back that they haven't noticed her, and she wants to keep it that way.

Poe walks up behind her, and watches the two women as well.

"Are you sure about this?" he asks nervously, his eyes not leaving Rey. She's giggling at something Rose has said, and he wishes he could hear that sound more often.

"She's not safe here. I felt him, and I saw parts of his vision. This is bigger than us." She watches the girls a moment longer, before turning. "Come on, Commander. We need to speak with our bigwig."

A/N: FOUR CHAPTERS IN 24 HOURS

yall I must be crazy.

Anyway, thank you for reading and sticking with this story! I really think it's going places. We'll find out where together.

Believe me when I say I am diehard Reylo. Don't doubt it for a moment. One author on here I really like gives a firm Happy Ending alert for her stories, and I appreciate it. I'd like to think we're headed in the same direction, but I'm having as much fun writing this as reading other stories on here and being shocked along the way.

To that effect: What do Leia and Poe have planned??

Our last chapter focused on an day in the life of Kylo aboard the _Supremacy,_ along with a huge life altering event. I thought it only fair to see a day in the life of Rey with the Resistance. I wanted to feel how they are as individuals to really get to know all our lovelies. Rose, although charming, is slightly annoying as a 2D female placeholder in the movie. I wanted to play with her and Rey, see how their dynamic might be. Rey is a strong _survivor_ in my mind. She doesn't need anyone to save her, because she is capable and happy to save herself. But she'll happily be your friend and be loyal if given the chance. The loneliness she must have lived with is crushing, to say the least, but I think her perseverance and ability to feel her feelings genuinely before moving forward greatly contributes towards her Light and Dark interplay.

I also recognize this wasn't a "nighttime struggle" for a story _called_ Nighttime Struggles. I claim writer's creativity and I think it works despite the daytime activity. More Rey and Kylo/Ben interactions soon, because lets be honest, that's what we're here for.

As always my friends, follow and review!

Also: out of curiosity, who prefers Kylo vs Ben and why? I've been floating between the two to designate who's perspective we're in. I'm curious to see what you think!


	5. Chapter 5: Conversation

Rey is staying awake with her friends as long as she can, but she is _exhausted_.

She and Rose are partnered against Idreko and Finn in a game of Frell Rin. It's taken three rounds to understand what the objective is, because everyone else knows it so well they are barely able to explain it. It's also against the rules to explain it to new players, apparently... Rey doesn't believe that for a second, so she observes and learns as she can.

They're playing with cards and dice, and occasionally whoever has the highest and lowest cards has to get up, race to opposite sides of the room, and get back to the table first. What makes them have to run, she has no clue, but it's entertaining to watch and play. This is maybe Rey's new favorite game… or it _will_ be when she fully understands what the hell she's doing.

"Tuckered out? Too tired to play?" Idreko says with a mischievous smile to Rey. He's new to the Resistance but he's made fast friends with everyone he's met. Rey can see why, and she smiles.

"Not too tired to win!" Rose says excitedly.

Rey internally sighs, not wanting to hurt Rose's feelings or dampen their group's good mood. She's more competitive than Rose most nights, but tonight Rey just wants to sleep. The buzzing in her head has been constant for an hour now. It doesn't hurt or annoy her. It's calming, like hearing the wind through blast holes in the AT-AT late at night.

"We can play more tomorrow night," Finn says decidedly. "Rey looks like she's about to pass out, and I call dibs on _not_ having to carry her outta here."

She's not even going to argue, if it gets her into her cot.

The four of them quickly clean up and start saying their goodbyes for the night. Rose waves to them before heading to her quarters, on the far side of the complex. Finn and Idreko make their way over to the circle of late night drinkers that have gathered in the cafeteria. Half the Resistance gets weekend duties off every week, and the two halves alternate. The crowd here isn't everyone with the night off, but there's still plenty of people to drink with. She doesn't see Poe, but maybe he decided to stay on duty this weekend. He's done that before.

Rey is so tired she hardly remembers the walk to her room, and suddenly she's here.

As she opens the door, everything goes silent, the buzz dissipating.

Ben is on her cot, intensely staring at the datapad he holds in his hands. It's a small room, and he immediately looks far too large for that cot. He's dressed down in loose gray pants and a soft looking black shirt. She sees his bare arms, tries to avoid staring. His hair is free, and he's sort of twisting the ends, not fully paying attention to what he's doing.

He glances up, sees her watching him.

Rey notices he doesn't look angry.

She's wary, but she turns to slide the door closed, feels him watching her, and she pauses, still facing the door. She hears soft squeaks, sheets rustling, before facing him again.

"Sit," he orders. He hears how that sounds, knows it was wrong. "If you want."

He's sitting upright with his legs crossed, having just cleared space on the bed that's barely big enough, meaning for Rey to sit across from him. She gives him a look, before finding a box on the floor and moving it to where she was standing in front of the door.

She crosses her arms, sits on the box, waits.

He internally winces, not considering that she wouldn't want to be near him.

 _Maybe I deserve that._

Her eyes narrow. She doesn't indicate that she wants to respond in any way.

Fine, no bond communication.

They sit in a silence that stretches on. Her glare towards him is relentless. He's completely still, aside from breathing. Patient, for once. Rey mirrors him, not quite as still but just as unwilling to break.

"Did you make this happen?" she asks evenly. She could be asking about the weather, with that tone.

"No. I could have...but no." He wonders at the way speaking out loud feels off.

"I'm well aware of what you can do," she fires back.

More silence. It hurts, tightens his chest. She's exhausted, holding herself up with sheer will, hair loosely falling out of the knot behind her head.

She's beautiful.

He wants to go to her, hold her hand, touch her hair, anything to show she's really alive before him. Instinctively he knows that behavior isn't welcome, so he grabs one hand with another and _squeezes_.

"What happened?" she asks cautiously. She's picking at something on her arm, before she meets his eyes. The sadness there.

His heart aches. His fault. He tries to breach the bond, and she blocks him.

He wants to punch the wall.

"When?" he responds, but he knows. He doesn't want to talk about those weeks, the vision, but _of course_ that's where she wants to start.

"I felt horrible anger, and then you were sure of something, and then you cut me off for three weeks." She's keeping herself factual. It's unnatural, coming from her.

"I can't get into that," he says shortly. And he can't.

"Why not?"

"Because it would put you in danger." From him. "So I won't."

She laughs, a cruel, joyless sound.

"Right. Can't do that." She pauses. "Having this...thing...between me and you, _Supreme Leader_ ," she spits, open disgust on her face, "automatically puts me in danger." Her words get faster and higher as she talks. "Convincing me I should leave Luke and 'save' you from Snoke put me in danger. Being a part of the Resistance puts me in danger. Living on Jakku, I was always in danger, leaving Jakku I was in more danger! You know, I almost stole a fighter to come find you, force you to talk to me? You cut me off and I didn't know where you were, and you didn't care! And then, we connect, and you're alive, and you just threw me out! Like-"

"That's not true!" he almost yells.

She was coming to him? Putting herself through that? She thinks he doesn't _care_? His fists clench, shaking, strangling the rising hope in his heart.

She starts to get up, approaching him, leaning forward. He see something resembling her fighting stance, and he's on alert.

"You say it's _not_ true, that you told me you'd kill me if I got closer? It's _not_ true you couldn't stand being the same room as me, so you tossed me out?"

"I came _back_ , didn't I?" he roars out without thinking. He scrambles of the bed clumsily, but she doesn't seem to notice.

"Oh, yes, quite forgot. You came back… while I slept! When I'm unable to do anything about it!"

She's visibly upset now, and he walks right to her, towers over her. She doesn't blink as she lifts her chin and stares him down.

He's seen Leia do that to Han, a long time ago. He pushes that thought away, waiting for Snoke to punish him for thinking of them...

He's too close to her. She's too _warm_ , too _right there._ He can't breathe.

"You didn't seem to mind," he says in a low voice. She looks away, a hint of a blush hitting her cheeks. He tries not to focus on her cheeks, now that he can't see her eyes.

He takes a step back, sits on the edge of the bed, hangs his head a little. She's angry and he has to _try_ to explain.

"You left me," he starts slowly.

"You were asking me-" she starts. She doesn't understand.

"No," he interrupts. "You left me. Instead of joining me, you held on to some stupid-"

"I am not stupid!" she yells.

He keeps going, closes his eyes, trying to maintain a semblance of composure. This _woman_.

"-some _stupid_ idea that the Resistance needed you _more than I did_."

She says nothing and he keeps his eyes closed, not willing to see more disgust on her face. He hears footsteps. She's leaving the room, can't stand to be near him. He deserves this.

 _She sees her reflection as he towers over her-_

A hand, cautiously rests on his left shoulder. Her fingers brush through his hair.

He leans into the touch, needing comfort. She stays, and seconds pass. He feels tension leave his body as she plays with his hair. Her smell… jasmine and desert wind...

He opens his eyes, lifts his head, and she's right there. Her eyes are softer, shiny this close. He's made her cry but he doesn't understand how.

"I needed you, too," she nearly whispers, her voice shaking. "And you were there, after the cave on Ahch-To. And I needed you, after Snoke _tortured_ me in front of you, and you were there, and we fought so _well_. But after the throne called you, after Crait-"

He lifts one hand to hers on his shoulder, takes it, lightly squeezes. Her hand is tiny, miniscule, _breakable_ in his.

"I needed time," he says. To have her close, so close he could smell her hair in that elevator, to fight with her against Snoke's guards, and then wake up to Hux, of all people?

"I can try to understand that," she says a little louder. He realizes she's reopened the bond and he didn't even notice. "But… but you chased my people down, hunted them into a cave, tried to kill my Master, and you did, in a way… how can I need you after that?"

He can't breathe.

She softens her blow by squeezing his hand, lightly brushing his hair.

"I wasn't thinking," he rushes out. Her eyes… she's deciding something.

No. She can't turn him away, not _again_.

"Then what about after?" she asks. "I spent weeks trying to help you. I felt your pain, it reflected mine, we could have tried together, and you shut me out. And again, now, I want to know what happened, and you tell me _nothing_."

She lets go of his hand and takes a step back.

He's cold now.

"Over and over again, you showed me I meant nothing to you," she says, confidence back in her voice. "You even _called_ me nothing. But I won't believe that for a second. I am what I make of me, and I am not nothing."

She waves her hand, and he's thrown back to the _Supremacy_.

Alone.

A/N: CHAPTER 5 YOU GUYYYYYYSSSS

Like I said, Rey don't need no man.

HEY so I went back through chapter 1-4 and realized my quality wasn't so great in a few spots, or that I could explain things better/more fully in other spots. Probably because I'm churning out chaps like crazy.

I invite you to reread this whole story so you can see my changes! The plot has NOT changed, so the gist is the same. But there are new additions, changed wording, etc, and I quite like what's going on.

Review, follow por favor! Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6: Searching

"NO! No, no, no, no…"

No buzzing. No sense of her. She's not slightly present. She's gone, fucking gone-

 _Gone_.

He's reliving that moment, the moment he's pushed back further than even Han Solo. Embers falling from the burnt red curtains, his gloved hand reaching out towards her… she's crying.

 _"You're nothing… but not to me. Join me."_

 _No response. He's desperate._

 _"Please."_

 _Waking up to Hux standing over him, a knife or blaster almost pointed in his direction. She's gone, fucking gone..._ _Not to me..._

He will NOT allow this. His eyes are closed, he strains to find their connection. He digs, searches, reaches, and he's found it, _what's left of it._

He prays to the Force she hasn't severed their bond entirely. Force, help me fix this, find her...

He follows his sense of her to a wall that rises forever, and he visualizes himself lighting his saber in a gloved hand. He _will_ get through the fortress between them. The electric red saber cuts, slices, cauterizes, and he loses himself in his attack. He's sweating and out of breath, but he will not give up. He's lifted his left hand, pushing with the force, while he strikes again and again with his right.

When he stops, the wall is hardly scratched. There aren't even scorch marks from the crossguard.

He opens his eyes.

His room is destroyed. Metal bed cut to slivers, bed linens scorched or on fire. Miraculously he didn't make it to his desk; _Deathhunter_ still spins forebodingly and the datapads are untouched. He doesn't remember grabbing his saber but surely he did. His hands are bloody, and so are parts of the wall. He'll need a medical droid and bacta.

His vision isn't red-tinged anymore but his heartbeat still thunders.

Gone. She's gone.

Gone. He's gone.

She's alone. Really, truly alone. She takes a deep breath and it shudders out.

She wasn't sure it would work. Part of her hoped it didn't.

 _"You held on to the stupid idea that the Resistance needed you more than I did."_

Hearing his words shot her heart to her throat and shattered it.

She was viciously angry, striking with words however she could. This man, this _horrid_ man, trying to reduce her and make her less than him! And then he humbled himself and voiced his need for her. How could she stay angry when he needed her like she once needed him?

She'd held his head in her hand, and he let himself be vulnerable. His shoulder was strong, like his hand, and his hair… she couldn't describe the way touching him made her _feel_. Powerful, and protective, and tall, taller than anyone in the galaxy. She wasn't towering over the Supreme Leader. She was shielding Ben, providing what he needed, and _damn anyone_ who tried to hurt him while she protected him.

She hurt him, though. She knew she did.

She didn't even mean to open the bond, but she felt so connected. She felt... trusted. She allowed the connection to flow freely, and it felt right, immediately knowing this was what it was meant to be. His mastery over the bond simply flowed to her. Then she found his memory of casting her out, but there wasn't hatred on the edges like she expected. He was angry, always angry, and the rejection over her didn't bring him joy like he hoped, not even stale victory over his _enemy_. She felt unending loneliness, felt it the same crushing way she'd felt her whole life.

She almost gasped at how fully she understood him.

Casting him out wasn't vengeance. She understood his loneliness, his need for control, and she hoped he forgave her eventually, but he needed to understand her, why she refuses to be nobody just to make him feel like somebody.

She hopes he tries to understand why she's done this. He's trying to break her wall, she feels it. There are echoes of his effort, but they feel far away. She gets the reverberations, not the hits.

 _You're nobody… but not to me._

A tear rolls down her cheek. She wants to reach out to him, apologize, make sure he isn't hurting himself- but she won't. She can't.

He cut her out for three weeks and never explained why. She knows what he's feeling. She'll get to one week first, see if she can handle that. The way her head hurts and stomach aches, she'll need to take this day by day.

If he knows where she is, he might come for her. _If_ feels wrong- he knows where they are. She's numb at the idea, because he absolutely might come for her. She doesn't know what's stopped him so far.

Should she tell Leia? Give her warning? Maybe she should leave. He'd come for her, not the Resistance. He wouldn't give her a second to explain her reasoning. He would kill her for abandoning him.

 _You're not alone._

She thinks he yells for her, but he's so far away, or maybe she's imagined it. She hopes she can hold this while she sleeps.

Deep breath in. Out.

Again.

Again.

Again.

She crawls into her cot. The sheets are cold. There's a hint of his smell, but nothing more.

She cries herself to sleep.

She rises early and goes outside to meditate. Her head is pounding. He's kicking, punching, striking. Did he ever go to sleep?

Breakfast is uneventful. Leia and Poe haven't been seen by anyone. Finn seems to know something but only shakes his head when asked directly. Rose keeps looking at Rey, who is trying to act as normal as possible.

Her assignment for the day is to take inventory of all the ship and droid parts floating around. She starts in the droid repair center, using a datapad to keep track of what she's found. BB-8 tries to be helpful, and his energetic beeping distracts her from the pounding at the base of her neck.

She absentmindedly reminds herself to read through the Jedi texts again for information on how to build or repair a lightsaber. Luke's broken saber is at the bottom of her pack, still here in the droid repair center. She needs to move the pack back to her room, since she won't be racing off to talk to anyone now. New reverberations echo from him.

She goes back to her inventory.

Idreko has made sure she's distracted before going to her room.

Last night he'd taken a break from the stuffy cafeteria, and sure, he'd had plenty to drink, was tired from that stupid game. On his way outside, he passed Rey's room and heard her voice. He stopped to listen. How was she still awake? It had been hours since they split up.

He looked around, lost his balance a tad. No, not hours. He'd just taken a lot of shots, and that made time seem faster to him.

He had started to walk away, but then he heard her more.

"...this...thing between me and the Supreme Leader…"

Okay, what? He couldn't have heard her right. She had a thing with the First Order's Supreme Leader? He'd shaken his head, trying to remember any other Supreme Leaders, but nothing popped into his head. He'd strained to listen through the door.

"... didn't know where you were, and you didn't care! We… and you're... and you just threw me out…"

He must be more drunk than he thought, because this sounds like... a lovers' spat. Who the hell is she talking to? He didn't even know she had a boyfriend. It's not Poe, he left with the General for Coruscant hours ago. Rose maybe? Nah, he's pretty sure Rey is into guys… or at least more sure she isn't into girls…

Could she be on a comm link with someone from the First Order? Why else would she bring up Kylo Ren? She's an informant! Her boyfriend is part of the First Order! She-

And then he really had to pee so he ran outside, and almost forgot about the whole thing. At breakfast, she seemed normal. He must have imagined everything, she's no informant. Still… he should check, just to be sure, right?

Now she's distracted, and he's in her room trying to find a comm link.

She hardly has anything in here, other than boxes full of droid parts. He gets on his knees and looks under the bed, starting to feel foolish, but then he sees something. There's a small silver datapad way at the back of the floor under her bed. He really has to reach to grab it, but when he does he immediately knows it's not Resistance technology. This is sleek, newer. He turns it over in his hands, enjoying how light it is compared to the old junk they have. How much storage does it have? He flips it over-

The First Order's logo is etched on the back.

He flips it back to the front and starts it up, hands shaking. There's no password to access it, so he unlocks it.

There are tons of files on here. Expense reports litter the screen, rosters of current officers and their designations, and-

Holy shit. They're building a new Starkiller. _Deathhunter_. Whoever picks these names is really losing their steam, but the name works-

The Jedi is a double agent!

The two top leaders are gone… who the _fuck_ does he report this to?

"What are you doing here?"

He nearly jumps out his skin.

Rose is standing in the doorway, expecting an answer.

"Hey!" Idreko tries to subtly hide the datapad behind his back and he starts scrambling. "Good morni- er- afternoon! Rey asked me to tell her more about that game from last night, but she's not here! So, uh, I'll go. I gotta go anyway, see, I'm supposed to help Command with something, so, uh, bye!"

He nearly runs away from the room, has no clue where to go. Anywhere but here.

He needs to find an officer, _fast_.

A/N: I imagine Idreko to be a young 16 or 17 year old kid, looking to be the next hero of the Resistance. He doesn't quite understand the value of just asking a straightforward question to get a straightforward answer.

Man oh man, things are getting interesting.

As always, rate, review, tell me to slow down, anything! I love the feedback and appreciate you reading my story.


	7. Chapter 7: Lightspeed

"When we get in to the meeting, I want you to handle negotiations."

Leia's declaration breaks the hours-long silence she and Poe had maintained since exiting Cofek-Ta's atmosphere. Poe is startled, to say the least.

"We're set to drop out of lightspeed in less than an hour and you drop that now?" he asks incredulously. "You gotta be joking.

"Don't be so concerned. You excel at improvisation… most of the time."

"Most of the time… huh… right… well, I'm not sure I entirely agree with the decision to meet with the Tahlmuns in the first place. You should handle this."

"Do you see any other options?" she asks quietly while watching lightbeams stream past. She has an aura of complacent acceptance around her. For the first time, he sees his General... tired.

"Not right now, but given more time I believe-"

" _No_ , Poe. Unfortunately, we don't have any more time to give." She turns to face him, suddenly mischievious. "Besides, you need the practice, if you're going to take the wheel."

"Who _says_ I need to take the wheel? I don't need to take it! You're the best at this, and they reached out to you! They want you. Not me. Hell, Holdo would have been better!"

Leia sighs.

"I won't be around forever, Poe. Holdo's sacrifice is the _reason_ we are able to speak with any benefactors in the first place. The Tahlmuns will accept any negotiator I decide to give them. I'll be there the whole time. Now, tell me what you know about them."

"Things used to be pretty rough, I know, but we've got a good spot and plenty of recruits. I think we're doing pretty well, all things considered. We have time to do better than _slavers_."

"They aren't slavers, Poe."

"The hell they aren't! They steal babies and sell them off for the First Order's brainwashing. That makes them legal slavers! Think of Finn, General. They're probably the ones who-"

"Commander."

Her tone stops Poe's declarations immediately. She gets up and joins him in the cockpit, taking the co-pilot chair before reaching for his hand. They lock eyes, and Leia offers a sad smile.

"I'm sorry," she continues, "but this the first good option we've had in a long time. I am perfectly aware of your reservations. I understand them, and in less dire circumstances, I would be just as against this as you. However."

She stares him down, daring him to argue again. He stays quiet.

"The First Order isn't as powerful as they were once, with Snoke gone. Kylo Ren doesn't seem to be an effective leader. The Tahlmuns are getting skittish. They seem eager to separate themselves from the First Order, and they're not Outer Rim warlords threatening us to do what they say or die."

"Might as well be," Poe mutters.

She pats his hand.

"We can look past how they got their credits for one very important meeting. We need them, like it or not, and it's potentially a very beneficial association both ways."

"You were a slave once. Finn is only one of _hundreds of thousands_ of storm troopers pushed through their system, and he's the only one we know about who got away. How can you agree to even talk to them?"

"Because I am looking to the future, not making decisions based on my past. Finn got away, so maybe others can too. And when they do, we will accept them with open arms, if they choose us."

Poe squeezes her hand before revealing his last, biggest concern.

"What about Rey?"

The General takes a breath before responding.

"She'll be safer with them."

"You can't send her away," he rushes out. "Not now. She's finally comfortable, finally herself around us. You do this, she'll never let herself do that again. She'll never forgive us."

Leia closes her eyes. "I'm not sending her away, and Rey is a forgiving woman." She thinks on that a moment and frowns. "Maybe too forgiving. He's _hunting_ her, Poe. I feel him, his efforts, even now. He's searching ten times as hard, since that vision. I don't know exactly what happened, but I know she found him, fought him, and didn't stay with him. He won't forgive her. She needs security, protection I can't offer her."

Poe's caught off guard.

"What do you mean, _she_ found _him_? Why would she be looking for him?"

"I don't know. All this time, she's never brought him up or offered information about what she did after she left to find Luke. I feel that she found my brother, and something happened with my son. I can't force her to tell me."

"She won't leave. She absolutely won't seek help from slavers."

"She's part of the deal, Poe."

He's frozen, and then he pulls his hand away to walk the cabin. He's pacing, hands running through his hair. White hot anger boils beneath his skin.

"She doesn't get a say in this?"

"I was hoping to discuss things with her when we got back. I want her to fully understand why this decision is being made."

"No amount of explaining is going to make her okay with any of this. _Especially_ if she doesn't get a say."

"I want you in the discussion with me. She trusts you, and she'll see we both want what's in her best interest."

"Does it even matter what I think?" he nearly yells.

"Of _course_ it does," she answers emphatically.

"It sure doesn't seem like it! It seems like you've already made up your mind."

"I promise I've thought long and hard about these decisions. One day you'll be making choices everyone else questions, even when you know deep inside that it's the right call. That comes with being a leader. Please trust me."

Poe tries to control his breathing. He's being too emotional. The General can endure everything she has in life and still make the tough call. He needs to follow her example.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Of course I trust you… but... why didn't you tell me before we left?"

Leia sighs again.

"Because I knew you care for her, and you would react like this."

He can't look at her. Can't breathe in this cramped piece of shit transporter. Rey, being sent off like some scrapped droid... he can hear her giggling with Rose again.

"So you knew I'd react like this, knew I'd hate making this deal, and now you want me to be it's architect."

"Yes."

"Is this because of the vision?"

"... Yes."

"Tell me what you saw," he demands softly. "Please."

She looks unsure.

"I don't think you want to know, Poe."

"Please, ma'am. It'll help me understand."

They meet eyes, and she's searching for something. Then she looks away.

"We were outside the base on Cofek-Ta. I saw a black figure with a red lightsaber destroy everyone we love. I saw smoke, fire, blood everywhere. He started coming towards Rey and I, and she was crying. She was so scared. I looked at her, told her to be brave, and then I faced the figure. This couldn't be my sweet boy anymore, and I looked where his eyes should be behind that _damn_ mask, only remembering my baby who asked for calligraphy pens and read any book he could find. Kylo Ren killed my husband and my Ben, and then he killed me. The vision didn't stop. My body fell, but my soul could see him chase down our Rey. She was brave, until the end."

He really can't breathe now… she saw everyone dead… she saw Rey die.

Tears are running down her face but her voice never wavered. Poe comes back to her, holds both her hands in his.

"Bris Tahlmun sent me a holo hours later," Leia continues. "She promised safe passage, and negotiations for as many credits the Resistance needed to rebuild and win. She wants Rey as a personal bodyguard of sorts, for when the First Order learns of their treason. Everything else is negotiable. This is our chance, Poe. Ours and Rey's. My boy is gone, and I have to do what I can to save the only family I have left."

"They'll use her as a body shield against Kylo Ren," Poe responds quietly, beginning to comprehend and accept his role in all this.

"Yes, but she'll be stronger _then_ than she is now."

Poe blinks, absorbing everything he just learned. His deep loathing for that… _that monster_ is magnified tenfold.

"Help me figure out what to say. I'm no good with diplomacy."

"I know. Let's start with how to not call them slavers to their faces."

A/N: So, I thought long and hard about what would make Leia be willing to separate Rey from the Resistance, and how to make it make sense. I hope I've kept to her character and respected the role Leia has in all our hearts.

She's a tough mother bear protecting the cubs she has left. And she's training Poe to be the tough papa bear he's capable of being.

Review, follow, thanks for reading!!


	8. Chapter 8: Explain

Rey understands exhaustion.

She battled the Jakku sun and the threat of heat stroke every day of her life, with barely any water or food. She's run from bigger, stronger beings until her legs gave out. She's protected herself against would-be rapists holding her down with all their strength. She's fought against and for Kylo Ren, across the universe.

She can honestly say this is the most exhausted she's ever been in her entire life.

His attacks against the wall she built are relentless, and have been for the past eight day cycles. Her head is exploding from the inside out. Her tense nerves and incessant guilt have thrown her stomach into queasy summersaults lasting days. She can't seem to force her lungs into accepting a full breath of air. Sleep won't come because she knows when she falls, he'll find a crack in the wall and burst through, and she doesn't know if that scares or excites her.

It feels wrong. _Everything_ feels wrong.

She stopped trying to meditate within the Force at some point. It felt like every time she began to drift, the Force was angry at her for blocking Ben. Cutting off her connection to the universe agitates her, but everything feels wrong anyway so why should this be any different?

She's at the training complex outside. It's dusk and darkness is quickly approaching. Her staff is whirling, spinning, thrusting, and she's lost in her focus and breathing. Time means nothing, reverberations are deafened. She imagines Luke's lightsaber in her hands instead of this worn staff. She propels forward, sweeping her staff under the legs of an imagined enemy before her. The enemy wears black, matches her strike for strike. She sees deep brown eyes nearly black with anger and accusations. Her own fury towards the enemy heightens her attention, speeds her movement. She strikes until her arms can hardly hold her staff, and then she strikes more.

When she's out of breath and too dizzy to stand, she lowers herself to the strange yellow grass around her. The wind rustles through faraway trees and she longs for things she shouldn't.

If she hadn't left Luke...

If she could have killed Snoke herself...

If she had saved the Resistance fleet...

If she had taken Ben's hand.

Her focus breaks and she opens her eyes. Rey didn't notice her friends approaching, but she turns and sees them watching her intently. Poe is back, and he smiles, but the smile doesn't make it to his eyes.

They all meet in the field of grass and talk of nothing. Rose hands her a canteen of water and there's a gentle concern lining her face. They sit until the sky goes dark and millions of stars shine through the cloudless sky.

She knows she should tell them about the bond. There are so many moments she opens her mouth, heart racing, on the edge of revealing everything. But she also has to protect them. He'll come for her eventually and if they know of the bond, they'll constantly be on alert. They'll prepare for him and they'll try to keep her safe. They'll get hurt because of her.

Or they'll call her traitor and abandon her.

 _Or_ , maybe even worse, they'll ask her, force her, to use the bond she shares with the Supreme Leader to destroy the First Order from the inside out.

They part, her confession left unspoken.

*

She has no appetite, the first time she's experienced that feeling since the initial weeks after Crait. Her friends try to convince her to join them for dinner and she claims she has a headache. It isn't a lie- she's had one for a week straight. Rose tells her she'll bring back food after they eat, and all Rey can do is offer a small smile in thanks. She flops onto her bed and begins deciphering the sacred Jedi texts, as well as she can. The glyphs don't appear similar to any language she's seen before. Over time, her focus begins to fade. Her eyes get heavy. She decides to read laying down.

She drifts.

*

Fingers trace her hairline. They're covered in a soft material, and the touch is so light she hardly wakes up. She's between sleep and consciousness, the light caresses through her hair keeping her afloat. The fingers go away and she frowns at their absence. A moment later, they return without the material, and she feels skin on skin. The warmth of his hand raises goosebumps along the wake of his contact. She instinctively turns, seeking more touch, beginning to wake slightly more. Fingers trace down her cheek, a thumb across her lips.

The bond is open. He's here, his euphoric relief flooding through. She takes a deep breath, her first in an eternity. Her eyes are still closed, but she feels the dip in the cot from his weight near her own. His gentle paths continue for some time, a moment stretched to forever. She keeps her eyes closed and relaxes in the peace washing over her. There's no more pounding in her head, having been replaced by a certain joy within her that's made stronger by his proximity. She doesn't hide her relief from the bond. A few moments more, please Force, before she makes this stop.

 _Rey_.

A soft voice, a gentle touch of his consciousness. The Force is singing between them.

Tap tap tap. Her eyebrows knit together, suddenly more awake than she wants.

One last sweep of his hand across her cheek, and then he's gone.

Tap tap tap.

"Coming, coming" Rey groans out, nearly yelling. What time is it? _Rose, why did you have to come now?_ She rises and stumbles to the door, eyes still mostly closed.

She opens the door as she opens her eyes fully. Commander Connix stands in her doorway looking more severe than normal.

"Rey, you are needed in the General's quarters. Please come with me."

"What's happened?" Rey rushes, immediately nervous for Leia.

"Please come with me," Connix repeats, revealing nothing.

"Alright," she responds slowly. Connix motions for Rey to walk in front of her. Rey proceeds carefully. They walk in silence the whole way to Leia's quarters, Rey in front. As they approach Connix reaches around Rey to knock.

Tap tap tap.

Poe opens the door and looks, strangely, as severe as Connix. Rey and Connix enter, Rey looking to Poe for information. He stares straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact. He closes the door behind them and moves to stand on Rey's left side, Connix on her right. She feels surrounded, very much not _safe_.

"Yes, thank you, Commander," Leia calls fluidly. She is standing in front of her desk at the far side of the room, facing away from the new entrants. Her quarters are twice the size Rey's, but the room suddenly feels claustrophobic.

Leia turns to face them and leans against the desk. She's looking down at the silver datapad in her hands, scrolling down every few seconds.

No one speaks for a heartbeat.

"Rey, do you recognize this device?" Leia says, darting her eyes forward.

Rey shakes her head. She's visibly confused and starting to become afraid. She feels the familiar buzzing beginning again, but feels no urge to block him anymore.

"No, ma'am. What's this about?"

Poe stands taller, more rigidly. Leia looks Rey in the face for a moment before walking towards her. She lightly passes the datapad to Rey.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand," Rey says while eying the device in her hands. "This looks new, but I can't say-"

She cuts off after flipping it to see the back.

The First Order logo. Buzzing begins to go silent.

She sees Ben lounging on her cot, reading something, twisting the ends of his hair in his fingertips. The datapad. _This_ datapad. He was reading _this_ datapad. Oh, maker, he must have left it behind when-

"This First Order datapad was located in your quarters during a routine inspection," Leia says, cutting off Rey's thoughts. "It contains a plethora of information, including, among other data, the plans and estimated construction timeline of a new _Starkiller_ , entitled Project Deathhunter. A device with this magnitude of information being hidden in a powerful Force user's quarters does _not_ look good, Rey. I know I've never asked what happened before you arrived on Crait. I've trusted you would tell me anything necessary to the success of this Resistance. Please take this opportunity to explain yourself."

Rey panics, frozen. As Leia has been talking, Ben has materialized in the corner of the room, his hand obviously braced on his saber's crossguard. His eyes are boring into Rey's, waiting for a signal of some sort.

 _You can't tell her about the bond now,_ he sends with intertwined waves of anxiety. _They won't listen if you say I couldn't turn you to the darkness, even if General Organa believes you._ He feels her resistance to lying. _If you won't lie, please, Rey, run. Run. I'll find you, just-_

 _I can't_ , she shoots back, fear mixing with hostility and rising adrenaline. She can't lie, she can't tell the truth, she can't find another way to explain the datapad without appearing as a traitor.

A new Starkiller? _Ben, why…_

 _I can explain. Later. Focus._

"Rey," Poe says in a low voice, still looking straight ahead. " _Explain_."

Panic and the urge to protect set in deeper. She's protecting them, him, everyone but herself and she knows it. She wants to speak, spill her soul before her General, but she can't.

Ben's grip on his saber tightens.

 _If they hurt you-_

"I can't," Rey pleads out loud. She's meeting Leia's concerned eyes, willing her to give a chance. "Please trust me, General. I can't… I can't tell you how I have that datapad."

"If you refuse to answer, you will be subjected to interrogation," Leia says steadily. "A new _Starkiller_ , Rey. I need you to tell me the truth."

"I can't," Rey moans.

Leia's eyes narrow before she turns away.

"Commander Dameron, please escort Rey to her quarters. No visitation or free movement outside. Commander Connix, please stay."

"Yes, ma'am."

Poe grabs her by the elbow and begins to guide her out the door. Rey doesn't fight but she feels Ben's thundering hatred for the pilot boom through her as he follows them out the room.

 _REY_!

 _He won't hurt me_ , she says as evenly as possible.

 _You don't know these people_ , he screams in her head. _You need to let go! Stop holding on!_

He pushes flashes of the throne room, embers floating around them. She sees him hold his hand out-

 _I can't_ , she repeats, before severing the connection. Ben is no longer visible but he's kicking and screaming and she feels everything on his side. On her side… she's numb.

Interrogation. Another word for torture. Torture from her friends. Her _friends_...

"Goddammit, Rey, just talk," Poe hisses through clenched teeth, oblivious to the firestorm her bond is radiating. They're nearly to her doorway. "I can't help you if you don't give me anything."

She stays silent. His hand tightens as he slides the door open. They enter and after closing the door he turns her to face him. He's so close she can feel his body's warmth between them. She's looking away until he reaches a finger under her chin and lifts her eyes towards his. A strange electricity passes between them, one Rey recognizes from her fingertips meeting Ben's so long ago. She's guardless, his eyes searching hers and she doesn't know what he's looking for but she can't look away.

"Who are you protecting," he murmurs, almost asking himself more than her. His face is close, too close, she opens her mouth slightly-

He glances at her lips before looking into her eyes again.

Ben is _beyond_ murderous, watching all this from afar, unable to do anything. Possessive jealousy swarms the bond.

 _Mine, Dameron, mine! SHE'S MINE!_

She blinks and steps away. Poe reaches forward and grasps her hand. He doesn't close the distance she's created between them.

"Poe… I can't tell you anything."

"Who are you protecting?" he asks again. "You can trust me, Rey, let me help you. Please."

Another gentle please from the past mirrors Poe's.

"I'm protecting you," Rey answers honestly. "You, and Finn, Rose, Leia… and me. And someone else. If I tell you anything, I'm no longer me. I'm a weapon, for and against the Resistance."

He sighs, shakes his head, raises the hand not grasping Rey's and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"You aren't a _weapon_ , Rey, for _anyone_! You can't be used by anyone in any way you don't allow!"

 _Don't tell him. He won't understand, please, come to me, come to me now, let me help you-_

"Please, let me help you while I can. Interrogation is serious. Tell me everything before it gets to that."

 _Please_ -

"Please-"

" _I can't_!" she yells to both men. Poe waits a moment before squeezing her hand and letting go.

"Change your mind. When you do, I'm here."

He leaves her room and shuts the door behind him.


	9. Chapter 9: Confessions

Kylo closes his eyes, visualizes Rey's cramped quarters, _pushes_ as hard as he ever has. He opens his eyes and sees Rey sitting on her cot from the corner he materialized in. Her face is blank as she looks down to the floor. The bond is still open and he feels her awareness of him. The same relief he felt hours ago floods him once more, mixed with a sense of irritation. She's let him come here, isn't closing the bond. Someone _letting_ Kylo do anything doesn't sit right after months without a master, but he'll allow it. Only for her.

"Project Deathhunter," she says slowly.

"It isn't what you think."

"I can't argue with you right now," she sighs. She still won't look at him.

He goes to her and kneels, ignoring memories of the last time he kneeled before her. He wants to reach his hand out and touch her hair like he did before. A flash of _the pilot_ touching her so freely only a moment ago spikes his anger, but he works to focus on _this_ moment. She needs him, after not needing him for so long. She meets his eye and he watches as hers soften. Rey feels everything he feels and _immediately_ understands, and he hates the time they've wasted pushing each other away. She quickly reaches forward and holds his right hand in both of hers, sweeping her thumb over his skin. His heartbeat begins to race as he places his left hand on her cheek, holding her head against his palm. So breakable.

"You can ask me anything," he assures her. She glances down to their hands before coming back to his eyes.

"Why aren't you angry with me?" she asks carefully.

"I am." he says evenly. She fights the impulse to flinch. "You left me, _again_."

Her eyes flash.

"One week is nothing compared to the months you've-"

"It wasn't nothing. This past week- it's _not nothing_."

She tries to close off from him, but his instinct catches her and he blocks the attempt without thought. She won't go anywhere away from him, not now.

"You're not nothing," he says softly as he squeezes her hand. "I said it all wrong. Before. You're not nothing. _Especially_ not to me." There's more he wants to say, more he rehearsed waiting for this moment, but nothing comes out. She's shifting her focus around the points of his face. His ears redden because he's under an intense scrutiny he's never experienced before. She looks at his too pointy nose, overly large ears, pale cheeks, his neck… she stops at his lips.

He leans forward, parts his lips. She looks to his eyes.

His nerves are on fire. He's suddenly much more aware of his hand in hers, how close she is, her jasmine-desert rose scent. He wants her, thinks she wants him too.

"Ben," she whispers. Her hazel eyes are shining.

"I thought I could be strong enough," he says in a low voice. He chooses to speak instead of communicating across the bond, instead of closing the distance between them as he's dying to do. He has to say this. He wants to hear himself say this to her. "After… after _everything_ … Killing the past is...was my only path forward. You, a girl, just a _scavenger_. You, knowing you could have killed me and choosing not to. You, shoving your way into my head, telling me I wasn't alone anymore when you'd only _just_ left me, when you picked _the Resistance_ over me, just like _them_ , just like _her_." He pulls his hand on her face away, takes a deep breath. He has to push through the overpowering instinct to fight, kill this weakness inside him. Thinking of his parents, Luke, the fucking Resistance scourge that fights _him_ as much as the First Order...

She waits for Ben to come back to her. He tries to find that man inside his splintered soul, but the pieces are sharp and they cut.

"What happened when you shut me out?" she asks softly.

He closes his eyes, focuses on how to explain. Kylo can't bear to have things end the same way as when she asked him the first time.

"When our connection started, I couldn't see your surroundings. Only you." He remembers saying almost these exact words when he saw her in the rain, one of their first connections. She called him a monster. _Yes, I am_. The drops on his glove. She shares his memory and squeezes his hand, urging him forward. "The bond got stronger the more I fought against it. You were the last person I wanted to see, but the Force made me see you everywhere. You were always there, behind my eyes, like I was torn in two places, simultaneously too close and a galaxy away. It was _misery_. To be constantly reminded of my failures, while leading imbeciles who couldn't be led to water if they were dying of thirst. You could have been by my side, helping me, making us stronger, and instead I was surrounded by your ghost. Hux… he tried to take advantage. He saw his opportunity and planted a seed in my generals. There was an attempted coup. I was distracted, and it could have ended everything. I had to choose how I was going to survive this, and I chose to kill the past. I didn't see another way. I focused and found a way to close the bond. The same way you have."

She stills. She's absorbing. He waits.

"A coup," she says quietly.

"He didn't succeed, obviously."

"You could have been killed... and I wouldn't have known. I would have learned with the rest of the galaxy, a First Order proclamation holo telling me you were dead, long live the new Supreme Leader."

He can't meet her eye. He hadn't considered that outcome, how it would affect her. The thought of his death and its repercussions had never been allowed to fester. If he learned of her death from someone else-

If he learned of a decimated Resistance, like in his vision, that the Jedi had been eliminated from the galaxy, how would he react?

"The vision," she remembers. "I saw pieces… Jedi eliminated?"

He tenses and grips her hands with both of his now, fighting the images he knows she'll see. He focuses on her hands, the dried spots of black machine oil and the rough calluses hard labor have forged into her skin. Must he reveal _everything_?

The answer is, of course, yes. If she wants to know, he'll tell her. But, Force, not yet.

"I can't think of it right now. Soon, but not now."

She moves one hand to his hair, brushing a piece out of his face, behind an ear. The feel of her deft fingers grazing the shell of his ear sends a small shiver down his back, and his tense shoulders relax a little. He feels a coiling in his stomach, tension for entirely _different_ reasons.

" _Deathhunter_ ," she concedes, moving on to her next question. She continues to brush fingers through his hair. He watches her, enjoying her natural comfort with him when she isn't trying to kill him.

"I never tried to kill you intentionally. I was protecting myself."

"General Armitage Hux," he says, ignoring her comment, "was a psychotic fanatic I was forced to deal with. Starkiller was his. He was planning on having another one built, or so I believed. _Deathhunter_ will never get past the planning phase. It was never real."

"Then why does your datapad have all that information about it?"

"Because Hux hired a very smart engineer to create a believable strategy for building it. He had me distracted for weeks, long enough to convince the generals I wasn't fit for power."

"What did you to him?"

"Nothing," he admits quietly.

"Nothing?"

"He owns my military. If I do anything to him, my military turns and I'm the one ousted from power."

Her fingers in his hair stop.

"Do you need power that badly?" she says sadly. He feels disappointment behind her words.

"Not power... control. The universe is so adamantly _out of control_. I can bring order to all systems in the First Order's sphere of influence. I can eliminate slavery, hunger, corruption. I can make sure little girls in the desert on every world aren't sold by their parents for portions or drink. To do that, I need my military, and to control my military, I need Hux."

"So what did you do?"

"If you insist on staying with the liars and thieves you call friends, I can't tell you. When you come to me, I won't have to keep anything from you again."

He won't budge on this. Not until she's safe by his side. He's already said too much that puts her in danger with the Resistance. Her curiosity and concern for him burns through the connection, but she doesn't ask more questions, following his train of thought. Rey stands and walks to the desk. She's blurred the specifics of her thoughts but he feels the tenor of them. _If she came to him…_

He shoves the hope down. He can't go down that path again. Not until it's certain.

"You're waiting for him to slip. You can't afford to slice him in half where he stands, so you have to try to stay a step or two ahead of him. He's clever… Ben, you can't expect to stay Supreme Leader if you're being undermined by a general, _the_ general. Doesn't he channel what information gets to you? He's supposed to help you, and without that help, you'll flail and wonder about every step coming from behind you."

"I have a plan."

"I've seen your plans, been at the expense of some of them. They need work."

"I have a _better_ plan," he repeats, stung at the truth in her words but refusing to acknowledge them. "You can't stay here, Rey." She visibly bristles at the idea he might be right, even facing away.

He rises and stands behind her, putting a small enough distance between them that when she turns, they're almost chest to chest. She's small compared to him, but he knows the fierce strength her body contains. He doesn't stop himself as he slowly raises a hand and traces down her arm. She starts breathing slightly faster, while he works to breathe steadily. He's mesmerized by the smooth skin beneath his fingers, watching their paths and the goosebumps they ignite. He looks into her eyes and there's a darkness that wasn't there before. A hunger he's never seen.

His lips are on hers a heartbeat later.


	10. Chapter 10: Honesty

Even facing away from him, she knows how close he stands. The heat between their bodies reminds her of purple-skied late afternoons in the Jakku sun, and she turns, drawn to his warmth. His fingers graze down her arm and she watches his face, willing herself to remember every detail of this moment. The sweet tease of rough fingertips against her skin, his breath beginning to mingle with her own, the way he watches his touch against her so carefully. He doesn't immediately look up, but when he does, his eyes seem to glow.

If he hadn't closed the distance between them, she would have.

His lips are soft against her and she follows his lead, head already swimming. She's lost in him, her hands wrapping around his neck as he pulls her close. She opens her mouth to allow him more access and he sweeps his tongue against her bottom lip. She sucks the tip before he pulls back, and his quietly guttural groan makes her shiver. Their combined need for each other flows through the bond, heightening their senses and they move faster together, more intense. Suddenly he's moving them, moving her backwards, but she keeps kissing him, doesn't care _at all_ where he takes them, _just don't stop_. She's backed against her desk and he picks her up so she's sitting on top, spreads her legs so he stands between them, flush against her center. She feels him, his growing hardness, grinds forward instinctively. He grasps her face with one hand, another snakes around her waist to pull her closer and he rests his hand at her lower back. He kisses, sucks, their tongues clashing, battling for entry and dominance. He backs away only long enough to go lower so he can kiss her where her jaw and neck meet. She gasps for breath, and he travels down, sucking and kissing everywhere he touches. Her hands pull his hair at the root and his mouth comes back as she intended, crashes over hers. Her hands fist in his locks and she feels warmth pool through her lower abdomen. Both his hands are around her hips, fingers digging into the flesh. She wraps her legs around him. Closer, Gods, closer. He can't get close enough.

He pulls away, leans his forehead against hers, and they catch their breath inches apart. Their consciousnesses are blended together so tightly it takes a moment to distinguish where one ends and the other begins.

They open their eyes together, and she sees him smile for the first time. Her heart can't take his blinding joy flooding her senses.

She leans forward, gently presses her lips against his, and then she's pecking his cheek, his jaw, feeling the shortest hint of stubble. He raises his chin and she's mimicking his ministrations on her neck, finding a particularly sensitive spot just below his adam's apple. His fingers tighten and relax on her thighs, and she knows he's making himself stay still, allowing her the time she needs to explore. She pulls him close and their arms wrap around each other. He leans his head into the crevice between her head and shoulder and she relaxes into him.

"Come to me," he whispers against her skin. "I need you. I can protect you. You aren't safe there. Join me. Please."

 _If she had taken his hand…_

"I want to," she whispers back. Rey realizes how true her words are after they're said. _She wants to_. She feels his hope climb and he pulls back, looks her in the eye.

"But?"

"I need time," she says quietly. "I can't just leave them-"

"Yes," he interrupts, fire in his eyes. "you can. You can steal an x-wing right now and meet me anywhere in the galaxy. You _can_ leave them."

Reality crashes around Rey and she remembers everything in Leia's quarters she had managed to push far away from her mind. She thinks of Poe in this room, begging her to tell him the truth.

Ben yanks away from her and she's cold, all alone.

"You think of _him_? _NOW_?"

"Don't yell at me," she hears herself beg. No, not now. His same fury from the red throne room rears its head through the glare he's shooting her. "Please, come here-"

"You'll always pick them over me, won't you? Your precious _Resistance_ ," he bursts, all his emotion pouring out of him into their bond. She starts to feel crushed by the weight of his despair, his _fear_ at the return of unending loneliness. "You can't let go. Goddammit, I should have known-"

 _No, I didn't mean anything like that_ , she sends. He isn't listening, lost in the chaos inside him.

"Ben, it's not like that. Come back to me."

"NO! I trusted you! I let myself believe- and you just-"

Rey jumps off the table, runs to him, wraps her arms around his waist. She feels him strain against her for a moment, but she squeezes tighter. He's frozen before he sags against her touch, enveloping her in his arms. She feels safe, protected, loved-

She feels loved.

"I need time," she repeats. His chin rests on the top of her head.

"I don't know that I can give you that," he says in soft anger. It's not a refusal; he sounds like he's admitting a point of weakness. "I can't let them hurt you."

"I don't think they will."

"But you aren't sure."

They stand together, and she hears his strong heartbeat beneath her ear.

"No, I'm not sure. But if I have to leave, I need to say goodbye. I can't abandon them without saying goodbye."

She thinks of the cruiser fleeing Jakku's surface, her tiny arm crushed by Plutt's enormous slime-covered appendage. She remembers screaming, crying, begging them to come back.

Ben hugs her tighter.

"Twenty-four hours. That's _all_ I'll allow. Say your goodbyes, but after that, your place is with me."

She sighs against him. One day cycle.

"If I think of something to tell them, something they'll believe about the datapad-"

"Rey. _Please_. If you don't come to me, I'll be forced to come to you."

"That's not fair," she says while pulling away to look at his face. "Either I come to you or you kill my friends?"

"I won't harm anyone that doesn't try to keep you from me. I can meet you on Cofek-Ta somewhere far from the insurgents. I don't have to kill anyone. I'd… I don't want to cause you pain. But if you stay, they won't leave you alone until you tell them everything. I can't sit back while you're in danger."

She considers this and only feels genuine worry from him. He's not thinking of turning the tide in the war, or how he could use her. He wants her safe, by his side.

Cofek-Ta.

"You know where we are," she says slowly.

"I've known for months," he admits. He's confirmed her suspicions, but instead of feeling dread she's simply curious.

"How?"

"I need to teach you more effective mind protection techniques."

"You haven't done anything, despite knowing?"

He waits before answering.

"I didn't want to force your hand. I wanted you to _want_ to join me."

She sighs again. She can't fight him anymore.

"Twenty-four hours. Okay, Ben. Okay."

He leans towards her and kisses her sweetly. The world disappears around them.

"I have to go. Be safe."

She nods her head, and keeps her eyes closed as his arms around her disappear.

One day cycle, to abandon everyone she loves.

Almost everyone.


	11. Chapter 11: Waiting

Rey's hair is a mess and her pulse is still racing... did that just happen?

This is a _massive_ shift in their relationship. Ben has either angrily ignored her _or_ been hostile for nearly a year straight. Did he ever show her a sign of kindness that whole year? She thinks back on Kylo Ren hunting her on Takodana, calling her _his guest_ in his interrogation room-

Does the Resistance have an interrogation room she doesn't know about? An image of her strapped to the cold chair on the _Supremacy_ rushes through her mind. She sees herself helpless before a hostile Poe and Finn. It makes her shudder.

Focus.

Ben is capable of hiding his true feelings, to a point. He was able to kill Snoke by masking his thoughts with layers of intention, striking his _true enemy_. She thinks of his chaotic emotions whenever they met over the past year, and the flashes he couldn't stop of them fighting together in the throne room before severing their connection.

She knows from Finn and Poe that Kylo Ren ordered the execution of an entire village on Jakku, only hours before Finn deserted the First Order. He tortured Poe for information leading to Luke. He killed Han Solo, his own father. He arched his saber through Finn's back, nearly killing him too. She has no idea what _else_ he's done in years of service to Snoke and the Dark.

Leia mentioned in passing months ago her son would be approaching thirty years old. His age doesn't bother her. She could be approaching thirty too, for all she knows. Age is a vague concept to her; she counted the days she was left on Jakku, but how many days made a year? How did her years compare to his, across the galaxy? She doesn't know how old he was when he burned Luke's Jedi academy, but he would have been at least an early teenager. Almost two decades of killing, torturing, destroying, being alone in fact and not just in feeling, of fighting his pull to the Light.

 _You're strong in the Force! You need a teacher!_

She closes her eyes and remembers his face inches away from hers, their blades crossed on the edge of a cliff. He was covered in sweat, drawing on the swirling Force around them to stay upright. He didn't yet have his scar, the scar _she_ gave him minutes later. Her memory shifts to him teasing her skin, him kissing her so intensely nothing else existed, them pulling each other tightly so no space lasted between them until they gasped for breath together. She's burned into her memory the soft glow in his eyes. He's done horrible things, caused unending pain across the galaxy, but he's also protected her and called something from deep within her she's never felt before.

 _If you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people._

Maz's words echo in her mind. She thinks... she thinks she loves Ben, loves Kylo, and she wants to hate herself for it, but she can't.

Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are the same man, and she can't move forward with him, _to_ him, without accepting that. A part of her holds on to the idea that she can save him, destroy Kylo Ren to save Ben Solo. He was manipulated by Snoke for decades, believing he was making the right choice pursuing the dark. But she's sure, deep down, anything he does has to be _his_ choice. He _chose_ to go to Snoke. He _chose_ to kill Han. He _chose_ to kill his master. He _chose_ to spare the Resistance, even as she unintentionally fed him everything he needed to wipe the galaxy clean of their dissenting voices. He makes his own choices. She can choose to accept that, Light or Dark, or they can continue to war with each other. He has to save himself, whatever that may mean for him and the entire galaxy.

If she goes to Kylo, she has to accept he may never fully be Ben.

Can she do that?

Hours later she hears yelling from far away. After a few seconds the source seems to be getting closer.

Something hostile is coming towards her.

She grabs her staff and tenses, ready to protect herself. Ben is immediately aware, ready to attack. The buzzing is subdued but ready to go silence at their connection. He's holding it back, waiting for a signal from her that she needs him.

"Let me in! Unlock that door, _now_!" she can hear Rose screech. Rey's heart thuds. Oh, Rose.

"Report to your commanding officer _now._ That's an order, Tico." Poe calls back. He's right outside her quarters, guarding the door Rose demands be unlocked.

"Idreko told me everything! He's an _idiot_ , Poe. You know he's bragging to everyone about catching a high level spy? He could've had that datapad already and didn't want to get caught with it. He _probably_ planted it! We don't know where he came from, who he-"

"Rose, stop talking so loud! We're getting to the bottom of this, I promi-"

"There's been a mistake! She'd never betray us! Let me talk to her!"

He doesn't say anything back. There's a scuffle, something hits the door, then-

"Move, Dameron, or _I'll move you_!"

" _C'mon_ , Rose. Come with me," Finn tries to say soothingly. "She'll be fine, let Command figure this out…"

"You stop that!"

"Rose," he nearly begs.

"No, don't- don't _touch_ me! REY, I'll come back! You hear me? Stop pulling me, stop it! Stop…"

The voices fade away, and she's alone again. She didn't realize she'd been holding her breath, until Ben soothes her across the bond. Her heart sinks for Rose, sweet genuine Rose. But Finn… he didn't sound worried for her. Maybe Poe has told him she's fine, waiting for the bureaucratic process. She hopes she can talk to them before...

Two hours later, she's yet to be visited again. If she were anywhere else, she would have broken out of her prison and been on her way by now. Here, she's buying time to build her plan. Does she go to Ben… Kylo… or not?

She never went back to sleep, too jittery about planning this "escape". Of the twenty-four hours she started with, she only has nineteen left. She's sure it's morning by now. Ben is behind her eyes, somehow able to focus on his surroundings and hers. She's working to keep her earlier ruminations inaccessible to him. They seem to be invisible to him, so far. He didn't sleep either, yet it doesn't appear to be affecting him. He's in meetings of some sort and she's surprised to notice the red-haired man, Hux, in Ben's peripheral. Ben never stops observing, never drops his full alert on her. She can't push herself fully into him, though she's curious to see things through his eyes. Maybe one day. Today, she's too distracted, too emotional. Meditating into the Force provides no comfort either. It makes her aware of the chaos in the halls. The rumors of the Jedi being contained like a prisoner have swirled through the complex, and every life force is dominated by panic.

There's a knock before the door slides open. Poe is standing in her doorway with a plate of food. He's standing awkwardly, waiting. Ben becomes _entirely_ tuned to her, blanketly ignoring his own surroundings.

"You can come in. It's not like I can tell you no."

He looks guilty before sliding the door closed. He shuffles towards her, sets her food down, then leans against the desk. Ben _and_ Rey remember that desk from hours ago, her legs wrapped around his waist, his hand on her lower back, pulling her lips closer-

 _Focus. I feel Hux looking at you._

His irritation strikes through her before he turns his attention away. Rey feels her cheeks get hot and she hopes Poe doesn't misunderstand the cause. He doesn't appear to notice.

"You okay? Need anything?" Poe asks.

"I heard Rose. Is she okay?"

"She's fine. Finn basically picked her up and carried her outside. Didn't even drop her, which is _amazing_ since she was squirming so much," Poe describes. "She's confused… we all are."

"Can I see her?" Rey asks hopefully, ignoring the question beneath his last statement. She _needs_ to say goodbye to Rose.

"C'mon, you know the answer to that. Leia's orders, no visitation."

They're quiet. Poe remembers the tray and hands it to Rey before moving a chair across from her.

"Thanks," Rey says, her voice subdued.

"Sure," he responds. He watches her pick at the food, and then she starts eating in earnest.

"We must not be starting interrogation, since you're feeding the prisoner," Rey half-jokes. "I thought starvation was the first step."

A pained look crosses Poe's face.

"You have time to talk. It really doesn't have to be like this."

She pauses before taking another bite. She _doesn't_ have time to talk.

"Honestly, if you refuse to tell her what's really going on, I'll help you come up with something else to say."

Rey is shocked but attempts to hide it.

"You'd help me lie to Leia?" she asks slowly.

"Between you and me, I feel like she's wanting to retire soon. She wants me to take the wheel. You can tell _me_ what's going on and I won't make you do anything you're uncomfortable with. I want to make sure you know you're not seen as some _weapon._ She doesn't have to know right now, but we gotta make all this blow over. Tell everyone it was a mistake."

Something is off. He's being too casual.

"Poe, I can't lie to her," she responds carefully.

"Why not?" he responds quickly.

She realizes his pained look had a reason, but she forces her face to stay blank, and she picks up another bite to avoid responding immediately.

The interrogation has already started.

*

A/N: HEY GUYS!!

Thank you so much for your reviews and for continuing to read my story! The support is very appreciated, and I love reading your comments! Seeing how yall read my work is so motivating, and I love seeing how you interpret everything! Please, keep it coming!

As always, read and review!

I edited this chapter so it may be different than the last time you read it. I've been so excited to publish quickly for you guys that I'll go back and cringe at some badly written spots. All better now! I'm going to focus on publishing final-draft quality work instead of quickly written chapters from now on.*


	12. Chapter 12: Revelation

Kylo watches from his stance on the _Supremacy_ as Rey loses her faith in the Resistance.

Should he should feel victorious or sympathetic? Her discomfort radiates from her body. She squirms under Poe's stare and the silence grows longer. He can't help the twisted elation he feels- she's coming to him, Rey is really _joining_ him, and she's being pushed out from within. She's seeing them for what they are, the liars and traitors she chose over him… he realizes his thoughts are travelling freely between them and he immediately reigns himself back.

Her decision. This needs to be her choice. He doesn't want his emotions influencing her.

Rey is too lost to respond.

"Rey, we need to… we should talk about something else. It's important… why Leia and I were gone."

Her immediate curiosity floods the bond and pulls her into the moment, out of her own head. Rey doesn't say anything but she looks up from her tray.

"Have you heard the names Bris and Roe Tahlmun?"

Kylo goes still. He throws himself back into his own surroundings. The incessant generals chattering around him, facing a developed image of the _Deathhunter_ plans. They're his new men and women, the ones he promoted after the coup, and they're constantly desperate to prove themselves to their Supreme Leader. Hux is at his side, examining the holo data charts floating to the left of _Deathhunter_. He's stayed low since his scapegoat, General Requist, was captured and executed, and he plays the part of the loyal advisor well. Kylo would almost be willing to trust _this_ man... if he couldn't sense the deep-seated loathing and barely discernable fear within Hux.

"You're excused," Kylo calls loudly. The room goes quiet before they shuffle out. Only Hux stays behind.

"Something in the Force disturbing you, Supreme Leader?

Kylo has to mentally commend the red-orange scourge for not snarling out _Force_ this time.

"Yes. Leave me… we will reconvene soon."

"Yes, my lord."

Hux bows and then slinks out the room as slow as humanly possible. The moment the door is closed behind him, Kylo throws the Force around him as a shield and thrusts himself back into Rey's consciousness. He's suddenly standing in the room with Rey and the pilot, fully connecting their bond. Rey doesn't jump, but she does twitch her eyes towards him. Dameron continues talking, doesn't notice her lapse in focus. Kylo can surmise what he missed in the minutes he left her head. The pilot is making himself sound unbiased, like he's presenting her a history lesson. He's trying to persuade Rey with knowledge, not emotion.

The pilot should know by now _emotion_ is the force that drives Rey, more than any other in the universe.

"-but the First Order is their biggest contract. They supply most of the manpower for the Storm Trooper program. People like Finn."

"Finn doesn't remember anything about his past before the First Order," she says thoughtfully.

"Finn probably doesn't have a past before the First Order. Their training is implemented as close to birth as possible. He's the only one we know of that broke his training program and got away."

Rey glares in Kylo's direction again before looking back at the pilot. Dameron glances, looks squarely at Kylo's chest, but obviously doesn't see anything.

"Leia, she… do you know anything about Force bonds?" Dameron asks carefully. Rey's eyes widen but she shakes her head no. He seems to be at a loss for words, struggling to explain.

 _Gods_ , what is he about to say? Kylo begins to search his mind but instead finds an iron wall, similar to the fortress Rey created against him. It _almost_ impresses him. The wall isn't as strong, but Kylo doesn't want to alert the pilot by forcing his way through. He hesitantly pulls back. Leia must have taught him the method for the wall after his interrogation. That kind of barrier is only protective against Force users, and the only Force user Poe knows is in his midst is Rey.

Interesting.

"You may get this more than I do, but a Force Bond seems to connect beings across any distance. It's like, you know when the person you're bonded to is in trouble, or what they're feeling. Their consciousness is yours, too. Leia had one with Luke. Not a lot of people know this, but she and Han had a son, Ben Solo. She had a bond with him, too."

Rey's heart audibly palpitates at his old name, and Kylo's swells. Rey wants Ben so badly…

"What happened to him?" Rey asks, asking the question she knows is expected of her.

"He went bad. Really bad… he goes by Kylo Ren these days."

Rey doesn't know how to respond, but Kylo feels hostility towards the pilot and his mother flare. He knows about their bond, who he was? She _told_ him?

Dameron continues after a breath, searching Rey's eyes again. Too intimate, too _familiar_ -

"He blocks her out, most of the time. She gets glimpses, though. A few weeks ago she saw something through that bond, something that Kylo Ren saw at the same time. She didn't get a glimpse- she saw the whole thing. It wasn't reality, not yet... but it could be."

Rey immediately recognizes what he's referring to. The vision.

 _Fuck_ , no, this is not happening.

"What did she see?" she nearly whispers.

"In the vision she saw Kylo Ren attack us. He killed everyone, butchered us. He killed her, and then he killed you… she said you were brave to the end."

Kylo steps forward, raises his hand, and the pilot slumps over, falling from his chair to the ground.

Kylo's heart is thudding against his chest. He should've stopped the pilot sooner. _Godsfuckingdammit. No, no, no-_

" _Ben_! Ben, what did you do?" Rey nearly screams. He turns to her and throws one hand over her mouth, the other at the back of her head.

"You have to stay quiet," he commands in a low voice. Her mouth stays closed, but there's a fire in her eyes demanding he answer her. "He's only unconscious. He'll wake up fine in a few hours."

Kylo removes his hand, begging her to stay quiet, before facing the door. Someone must have heard her yell. He scans the surrounding Force signatures, but no one seems to be alert. He stays on guard.

"You killed everyone," she says. He turns to her, and there are tears flowing freely. "My friends… is that what happens if I don't come to you?"

Kylo faces her again and he feels how wide his eyes are.

"Rey-"

"Don't lie to me! You told me- you said you didn't want to cause me pain!"

"I don't," he rushes as he goes to her and gently cradles her face in his hands. She wants to pull away so he leans closer. "In that vision, I saw myself… but it wasn't me. It didn't feel like me. I couldn't _feel_ anything. The future is always changing. Maybe that future existed, but it doesn't anymore. It _can't_. Listen to me."

He throws everything in his head, everything he feels at her, hoping she makes sense of the chaos he can't explain.

"I don't understand," she says, pulling away from his touch. He wants to sink to the ground but he forces himself to stay standing. "Show me. I can't understand unless I see."

"No."

"Ben, show me." _Help me understand._

"It will hurt," he warns.

She reaches for his hands, searches his eyes as she searches his mind, pulls the memory forward. They jump together into it.

 _Smoking grass fires, a sparking Millenium Falcon. The bloodied bodies on the ground. They still hold hands, their only grasp on reality. Rey's panic spikes when they see the figure in black with Kylo Ren's vicious lightsaber. Instead of being one with the vision, Kylo feels separate, a spectator. He knows what's coming and stays in tune with Rey, ready to catch her when she sees-_

 _Rose, running forward. Finn and Poe on the ground, hacked apart. The figure slices across her waist, spins his saber and stabs the ground, into Finn's heart. Kylo grabs Rey by the shoulders, sensing her need to run forward, save her friends. She fights against him, but they move forward, following the vision's path. The figure turns and stalks forward. Leia and Vision-Rey are up ahead, racing to the lone x-wing left whole. Leia stops, wheezes, turns to the real Rey in Kylo's embrace._

 _"Be brave," they hear her say, before she turns to push Vision-Rey forward. The figure is getting close. She runs, stumbles, runs further. Leia points her chin up, defiant to the last. He waves his hand and pauses to watch the rebel princess fall. His attention is forward, and they watch him toy with his meal. She stumbles again, then grabs her staff and takes a fighting stance. The figure doesn't stop walking forward and suddenly Vision-Rey and the real Rey grasp their heads. Kylo feels every emotional strike, every Resistance death. He's only able to stay upright because he knows Rey can't._

 _He forces the memory forward. He can't see her broken again._

 _Kylo and Rey are in his rooms on the Supremacy and the low light of his office takes seconds to adjust to. They see Past-Kylo sitting at his desk, littered datapads surrounding him and a floating Deathhunter floating ominously above the desk. His eyes burst open. A sheen of sweat covers his face. His breathing and heartbeat are erratically trying to outpace each other. He spins around, finds the Ren helmet in its place next to Vader's. The wrinkles in his forehead get deeper as he furrows his brow, then he closes his eyes._

 _Petrichor. Thunder. Drops of rain. Rey's laughter. Relief._

 _She's safe._

They come out of his memories and Rey launches herself into Kylo's arms. He's shaking.

"I need to see Leia before I leave," she says against his chest. He nods, hugging her closer with one arm and reaching around them to the door with the other. He's not leaving her. The door swings open.

Rose is standing in their way.


	13. Chapter 13: Flight

Rose has her utility belt's toolkit resting on her hip, her screwdriver still inserted to the door's digital locking screen next to the door frame. She's been struggling with the circuitry for several minutes, and it's taking _much_ longer than it would've if she didn't keep whipping her head around to look for others in the hallway. There's an electric shock as the metal touches an exposed wire.

The door slides open! She glances forward, about to yell for Rey to come on, start talking.

Rey is facing away from her, huddled against a big scary-looking guy. There's a soft expression on his face, one that doesn't match the deep scar crossing his cheek.

They meet eyes.

She feels her body go limp beneath her and she's asleep before the next second starts.

*

Ben uses the Force to float Rose to Rey's cot.

" _Why are you knocking everyone unconscious_?" Rey asks angrily through clenched teeth.

"The pilot irritated me. This was instinct."

" _Instinct?_ I wanted to speak with her! Say goodbye!"

"She saw me."

She can't respond immediately.

"She couldn't have. Rose isn't Force-sensitive."

"She saw me," Ben repeats with absolute certainty. "Luke saw us that night on Ahch-To. I didn't know before, if it was him sensing my presence through the Force, or if I physically manifested before him. We were touching then, just like now. The gir- Rose saw me. You need to move."

"Ben, I can't leave yet. I haven't even really thought through _how_ I'm going to do this! I've never flown an x-wing before and-"

" _Rey_ ," frustration coloring his tone. "Have faith in yourself. Get what you need. Pack for several days and bring food packs. I'll give you coordinates when you leave the atmosphere. Leave a message for my mo- General Organa. You need to leave. Two people down means more will come."

He pauses.

"Are you reconsidering?" he asks slowly.

His eyes stab her with the need for a response, but Rey doesn't know what to say. He looks away, noticing something.

"Someone is heading towards me. Reach for me when you're out."

Ben disappears, the bond fully closed.

Rey is still a little angry, more uncertain than she'd admit even to herself, but she does as he says. _Have faith in yourself._ She starts mumbling under her breath about instinct. Leave a message? Poe and Rose unconscious in her room? Ben's made a mess she can't clean up. They'll never forgive her. She'll always be branded as a traitor in their minds. She can't even explain herself now-

BB-8 has a holo recording program.

She races through her room, packs anything she looks at. Can she bring the sacred Jedi texts? Yes, they'll fit. Luke's broken saber is still in the bag. Good, good… She grabs food she's been hoarding in the room before snatching her staff, and then she broadens her Force awareness, checking for any potential threats in the hall.

It's clear.

Her heart is racing. She's really about to do this.

The door is still open. She peeks around the doorframe and checks visually before leaving the room. It's still early morning, despite the hours she's been awake making it feel so much later. Everything feels eerie. She's never seen the hallway this empty and the complex around her sleeps. Every step seems to echo. The lights are too bright. She feels exposed. The top of her staff scratches against the ceiling and she flinches, walking faster. She realizes how much she's gotten used to being surrounded by company. What would life be like on a First Order ship? She has to assume that's where he's leading her, if she follows his coordinates.

Does he think she's defecting? _Is_ she defecting?

There's so much she has to consider without any time to do so.

Rey steps lightly, being sure to make little to no sound. The walk to Poe's quarters is painfully slow, every creak of the floor making her flash her eyes in all directions. She hopes the droid is in his usual charging station, otherwise she won't have time to locate him.

Poe's quarters are unlocked, and they feel sterile, too organized for her spontaneous friend. Did he rest at all after him and Leia got back? She finds the droid in sleep mode near the foot of Poe's neatly-made cot. Kneeling to his level, she taps on the droid's head and waits for him to power up. Rapid beeping begins to fill the space and BB-8 rolls out of the dock, circling Rey and beeping even faster.

"Yes, I know things are complicated- yes, I was under room arrest- BB-8! I need your help."

The droid stops beeping, finally pausing before her, and he cocks his head.

"I need you to record a message for me."

*

She's standing on the side of the X-Wing, throwing her pack into the empty co-pilot seat behind hers. She recognizes the strong life force approaching and she stills before turning to face him.

"Finn, I have to leave."

"I don't even get a goodbye?"

He's standing with his arms crossed a few meters away from the fighter. She climbs down the ladder and meets him.

"I didn't think I'd get the chance," she explains softly.

"Well, I'm here now. Tell me why you think you need to leave."

She debates lying. She still can't.

"I left a message with BB-8. It explains in more detail-"

"Rey, c'mon."

"I can't stay here," she says, echoing Ben's words to her. "You won't understand, though I desperately want you to."

"Try me."

"The datapad… I didn't know it was in my room. I didn't know about it, or what it had on it."

"Then why are you running away? You're innocent! If Rose was right about Idreko, we need to clear your name!"

"He's just a kid. He didn't set me up. I'm sure he thinks he did the right thing. There's so much I haven't told you, Finn. So much I've been _afraid_ -"

"Rey. You're not giving me the chance to understand what you're talking about." His voice is shaking. "I know something happened before Crait. You changed, but you tried to hide it. Don't try to hide this."

She jumps into his arms, her world spinning apart. How could she think he wouldn't trust her? How does she _begin_ to explain? Finn tightens his hold on her.

"Is he right? Are you an informant?" he asks quietly, so close to her ear. She senses he can't bear the thought, doesn't believe it for a minute. She pulls away. Rey's resolve is strengthened. Now or never.

"Finn… if I tell you why I need to leave, you have to promise to let me go. Don't try to stop me. I… I'm trying to protect everyone I care about."

His face hardens, but he nods his head.

"I promise. Now, tell me."

"I have a Force Bond with-"

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Connix screams through the room. "I'm ordering you to step away from the ship!"

Finn turns and looks over his shoulder, but Rey doesn't wait for Connix to catch up to them. She spots a tower of boxes near Connix's position, and uses the Force to knock them over. They crash loudly but the commander evades the obstacle, still racing towards them. She raises a blaster. Finn quickly glances to Rey.

"Go!"

Rey scrambles up the ladder and jumps into the seat, praying the controls are anything like the junkers she took apart on Jakku. Blaster shots erupt, one bounces off the fighter's wing. Finn yells, running towards Connix at full speed. She's shaking but she powers up the fighter and is in the air within seconds.

The blue-gray sky fades to the black of space. Rey's throat starts to close from the tears she's forcing back.

*

Leia would like to think she's surprised at this turn of events, but she knows she isn't.

She sits at her desk, eyeing the three young people in front of her. Poe, Rose, and Finn are standing at attention, but only the former storm trooper stares straight ahead, as he was trained by Phasma to do. Rose's lower lip is quivering as she stares at the ground. Poe repeatedly glances from Leia to the wall behind her. Poe's typically comical BB-8 unit is at his feet, uncharacteristically quiet. Connix is outside the office standing guard. Leia can sense the disorder erupting in the halls, news of Rey's disappearance having spread around.

If only Han were here to see the mess she's in. " _The mess you created, sweetheart,_ " she can almost hear him say.

"Who would like to speak first?" she asks lightly.

There are no volunteers. She waits a moment longer.

"Commander Dameron, since you are the highest ranking officer involved, I'd like you to begin for us."

He sighs.

"I went to Rey's quarters to try and convince her to talk. I thought she'd respond better to a friend asking instead of an officer commanding answers."

"And?" Leia prodds.

"She stayed silent. So I tried again."

Leia nods, waiting for him to resume.

"I don't know that I should continue, ma'am."

"You told her about our plan with the Tahlmuns," Leia guessed. Surprise crosses Poe's and Finn's faces, breaking the mask Finn had imposed. "You might as well continue, Poe. She's gone. We obviously can't pursue that idea."

"What about the _Tahlmuns_?" Finn hisses. He then remembers himself. "Ma'am." Rose looks over to him, confused.

"We were hoping to exchange support from them for protection from the First Order. Rey was to be their bodyguard, in a sense," Poe explains quickly without emotion. Finn is obviously upset but says nothing.

"How did she take the news?" Leia asks.

Poe looks stricken.

"I didn't get that far. I also told her about… the other thing."

Rey's abandonment clicks. Leia wants to groan at this unthinking man before her. She left to protect them from _him._

"And that's when you were knocked unconscious."

"Yes ma'am."

Finn and Rose look even more lost, the coded exchange going right over their heads.

"And Ms. Tico, I suppose Rey also put you in a Force sleep once you were able to open her door? As a side note, your skill with machinery is remarkable, young lady. I'll be sure to keep you in mind for field missions that may come up."

Rose's blush is all the answer Leia needs.

"Finn, can-"

"Wait," Rose interrupts. "I'm sorry, but Rey didn't do anything to me. There was a man with her. I think he put me to sleep. I'd never seen him before."

"There wasn't anyone else in the room with us," Poe says quickly. His brow knits together. "You sure you didn't see me?"

"I'm sure. I didn't even know you were in the room. I think you were already out on the ground. He was tall, really tall, and his hair was all sorts of crazy. Kinda big nose. He had a scar across his face. It looked like he was hugging her."

There's a moment of silence as everyone in the room considers who might fit that description.

"What was he wearing?" Leia asks. A scar across his face…

"All black. Covered almost from head to toe."

Head to toe in black...

Finn seems to recognize the man first. Many emotions flash across his face- disgust, anger, sadness, and then, understanding.

"General... I think I know who it was. When I fought him on _Starkiller_ , he didn't have a scar. Not yet."

Poe and Leia lock eyes. No.

"What?" Rose questions. "I'm really lost. Who was he? You fought that guy?"

Oh, _Maker_. Memories shove their way forward of her gangly pubescant boy, with his too big nose and the wide ears he tried to hide with his cascading dark hair. His smiles, the ones that once came freely but over time became as rare as warm days on Hoth. The baby she delivered in the midst of a battle against the remnants of the Empire, Han kneeling beside her whispering words of encouragement while the base shook from the enemy's hits. The way Luke couldn't even meet her eyes when he came to tell her what destroyed his Academy.

The monster that massacred everyone in that vision bubbles to the front of her mind.

Her heart thuds against her chest. The constantly recurring mourning for her sweet boy pulses through her again.

Not him. No, it can't be… _How_?

"She started to tell me something," Finn half-whispers. "She started to say she had a… what did she call it?... a Force Bond with someone. I've never even heard of that before. Connix ran at us before she could say who. She said she left a message with BB-8."

Silence.

"Well," Leia says dejectedly. "Let's see that message."

A/N: Some of these chapters, I've really struggled to come up with the title. Not this one. Rey's flight of escape, flight of passion without thought, Ben's flight of hope, flight of fear, _physical_ flight near the climax of the chapter...

Boy, am I excited for things to come!

Thanks as always for the support! Continue reviewing for me!


	14. Chapter 14: Black

BB-8 rolls to the furthest wall of the room and leans back. The blue holographic form of a life-sized Rey blooms, kneeling next to Poe.

"Leia… First, I want you to understand that I am _not defecting_. I believe in the cause of the Resistance, and I would never do anything intentionally to harm it, or my friends within it. I should have told you all of this months ago, in person.

"I found Luke on a hermit planet called Ahch-To, in the ruins of the first Jedi temple. While I was there, I had my first Force bond connections with Kylo Ren."

Holo-Rey looks down for a moment, before raising her eyes once more. She stands and paces. Her eyes have lost their previous fire- she's softened at the memory of him.

"I don't know how the bond started. Neither of us initiated it. I was so angry with him, after Han, and how he hunted me, cut Finn down… but I could feel him suffering. I hated the compassion I felt for- for that _monster_. It was there, though, and I began to understand him, if only a little.

"Luke taught me, but only because he wanted me to understand why he _wouldn't_ teach me. The ancient Jedi I learned about on Ahch-To weren't only Light. They taught a balance between light and dark. The ruins were built on a place of strong Light and Dark forces, and there was cave in the middle of the island. I was called there, and I saw things I _still_ don't understand, about my past, my family, my future… Ben helped me. He understood me, in ways no one else ever had. He told me I wasn't alone. We were able to touch hands through the bond, and we both had different visions of our future. In mine, I saw Ben at my side, with you, creating a New Republic.

"Luke found us. He must have felt Ben's presence… I learned why Ben ran. I saw both memories, from Luke and Ben. I think Snoke was able to influence Luke for just long enough the night Ben destroyed the academy. Luke almost killed him, based on a premonition of his darkness. Ben woke up to Luke's lightsaber at his head. Luke came back to himself, couldn't strike, but Ben saw him and…

"I made the decision to go to the _Supremacy_ and help your son escape the First Order.

"He was convinced _his_ vision was true. He saw me at his side, ruling the First Order together. He took me to his master… Snoke said he created the bridge in our minds. I don't know that I ever believed that. If someone so horrible could create this, why does it feel so…"

They watch as she wraps her arms around herself, quiet and thoughtful, but she's like that for only a moment. Something alerts her and her eyes snap to the right. She releases her arms and continues pacing.

"There's so much to say! I don't have enough time- when I wouldn't bow to Snoke, he was going to kill me, but Ben stopped him. He killed Snoke and we protected each other from the Praetorian Guard. Everything _flowed_ , Leia. It was like… It was like he told me the truth. He meant it. I wasn't alone.

"He asked me to join him, and a part of me _wanted_ to. I felt his overwhelming Darkness but I also felt the Light he'd buried down. He mirrored me. It hurt, knowing I couldn't stay with him. My friends would die, and the fleet was being destroyed… I had to leave, but he thought I meant to attack. We both reached for Luke's lightsaber with the Force. We were too well-matched and we broke it in half. The power from the break knocked him unconscious. I couldn't leave him undefended… I left him his lightsaber... You know the rest of what happened that day.

"After Crait, we were… we both... Our bond got stronger over time, despite us both fighting it. If Snoke had created the bond, it would've disappeared with his death, right? It was horrible, being so close every day, not only seeing each other, but also knowing each other's thoughts, feelings, concerns, daily routines, and then having to pretend we weren't going mad! It was too much. He found a way to temporarily sever the bond first, and I learned how through him when we were reconnected. I cut him out and it was torture. I couldn't bear to use the Force. Everything felt wrong. Then it reconnected, again. I couldn't hold it at bay anymore. When I let go, I could finally breathe.

"The datapad must have been moved to my side. I didn't recognize it when you called me to your quarters. He was holding it once, until I blocked the bond, and I suppose he dropped it? I didn't even _know_ we could pass physical items to each other. It doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, and you must think I'm _absolutely_ insane.

"Ben is still in there. I know it. I look at him and I see your stubbornness, and Han's compassion, and I see… Force, this is so hard to explain. He's just… he's so much _more_ than his darkness. I don't know everything he's done, how horrible the pain he's caused is, but...

"Poe said you have a bond with Ben, like you did with Luke. You know how I can't block it forever. I can't control it. Ben's been blocking you and the vision still got through. I hope you'll understand why I have to leave. General Hux… _Deathhunter_ is his, and Ben says it'll stay a plan, nothing more, but if my intuition is right… He told me there was an unsuccessful coup. Hux will learn from his mistakes and try again. If he's successful, he'll make sure the Resistance is eliminated. Painfully so. Even if he's not successful, he's the biggest threat. Get out of Cofek-Ta. Be safe. Make it so the vision you shared with your son will never come true. I don't know where I'm headed, but further from you keeps you safest... I've already let him see too much.

"Tell Rose I'll miss my sister, and Finn I'll miss my first friend. Tell Poe I understand. Tell them… all of you, I'm sorry. May the Force be with you."

Rey fades away. There are several moments of quiet, all of the listeners trying to wrap their heads around _everything_ she just revealed.

"Holy shit," Poe whispers. "He knows… and she-"

"Their bond is already a thousand times stronger than ours," Leia says, almost to herself. "I can't imagine how she's been able to stand it all. Two consciousnesses, constantly merging together and separating... And for you, Rose, to be able to see him? You said they were hugging..."

"She's in love with Kylo Ren," Rose says mechanically.

No one responds. Rey never said the words out loud, but… Finn's hands clench, clearly fighting the urge to lash out. Poe looks crushed, completely and utterly decimated. They know the truth.

Leia is pensive.

"BB-8, erase that holo. No trace is to be left behind. No one can know of her relationship with him... All hope would be lost. Now, more than ever, we need high morale. You all are sworn to secrecy, and speaking of this with anyone outside this room is treason."

"We've gotta find her," Poe rushes out. "He's obviously tainted her mind. He-"

"No."

All eyes go to Finn.

"I let her go. I spoke with her. Even in that holo, she's still Rey. No one's made her do anything. She's at war with herself, but like it or not, it's her choice. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do."

"No! He's been in my head before, just like he's in hers! There's no way that _sick fuck_ actually cares about her, no matter how she thinks she feels!"

"Poe-" Leia starts, but she's interrupted.

"I've _fought_ him before, Poe." Finn says heatedly. "He could've killed me. I lived with him, on the same dreadnaught. I heard the rumors about his missions, and I knew more than enough of them were true and I needed to stay away, whenever possible. You think I _like_ that she's flying off to him?"

"I don't know! You're saying she's still herself, but the Rey I know-"

"Gentlemen, please."

They both go quiet immediately.

"He's your son, right?" Rose asks softly.

Leia doesn't answer.

"Rey thinks there's still good in him," Rose continues. "I think we should give her the chance she's asking for."

"She said she doesn't know where she's going," Poe says defensively.

"She's going to him. Maybe not immediately, but she will."

"She's officially on a high-risk mission," Leia decides. "We'll announce that as the reason for her disappearance to the others, and then we're initiating evacuation measures. You're all dismissed."

Finn and Rose move to leave. Poe stays behind, waiting to speak until the door slides shut.

"I'm sorry for speaking out of turn. Calling him names doesn't make anything better."

Leia looks to her desk, organizing her papers.

"You have every right to hate the man, Poe. What he did to you was inexcusable. Even if he is my son."

Poe looks to the ground before leaving the room.

Leia pauses as the door slides shut. She waits, then sinks to her chair and slowly puts her head in her hands.

Snoke got to _Luke_.

Did Ben ever have a chance? Could she have done _anything_ different?

She misses Han so much.

Sudden tears crest over and she's weeping for her son, for Rey, for the decisions she's made that have left her all alone.

*

Space is more infinite than Rey ever knew.

Her x-wing feels cramped. She's surrounded by black. Stars of amazing sizes and colors dot her surroundings, and Rey is fighting back panic. She chooses to not think about how easy it would be for an asteroid to strike her, how there are only several centimeters of plasma-steel separating her from an icy, depressurized death, how big the nearest planets are compared to her tiny existence as she slowly passes. She's exhilarated and frightened in waves, astounded by the fearful beauty she's being encompassed by.

She hasn't yet reached out to Ben. Kylo. Fuck, what is she supposed to call him now? She has no coordinates directing her and she drifts, not confident in how much fuel her fighter has to spare. She makes minor adjustments when necessary, but otherwise, she floats.

What the fuck has she gotten herself into?

She rushed straight from his vision to running away, no time to consider any other options. _Now_ she knows she could have gone to Leia directly, or she could have talked with Finn longer, or allowed Connix to take her prisoner, or she could have waited for Poe and Rose to wake up-

But she couldn't _actually_ do any of those things. They weren't options at the time. Now, she has nothing but time to think through her plans and regret the choices she made.

That vision.

The smell of burning death fills her once more. No wonder Ben didn't want to show her... She wishes she'd never seen it. It wasn't real, she knows this, but seeing Poe and Finn on the ground, seeing Rose sliced through and left for dead, makes her gag. The whole Resistance, faces she knew, people rescued off Crait… they were all brutally dehumanized on a battlefield. Kylo Ren, killing her friends as he held her in his arms… she's so confused. How does she get past seeing him like that? And Leia, her General, the only mother figure she's ever known, killed like an insect, eliminated and… She knows he hid her own death. She felt the surge of misery pouring into her head, knew what was coming for her next. Leia saw all this, experienced it like it was real, without the arms of another protecting her. She lived it. She died in it.

Relief. Rey focuses on his relief at her safety, how the rest of the memory ran, leading Ben back to her. His lonely quarters, black on black on black, being illuminated by the lightning striking the mountains behind her.

He hasn't felt rain or smelled the wet earth beneath him in years. She never experienced rain on Jakku, but after being surrounded by it, she doesn't know how she could go years without it. The urge to take him to a forest planet overtakes her, for the sole purpose of standing in the rain with him.

She's brought back to her reality, where she needs to decide if she's going to accept him, or if she's going to run away from him. Where could she go? How long could she keep the bond closed this time?

Does she _want_ to run away?

No. If she's honest with herself, she doesn't. She doesn't really regret her choices, either.

She wants to feel the electricity of his touch, the flow of their bond as they share the same physical space. She wants to understand him, his past, his wants for the future. She wants _him_ , Kylo and Ben together. But she's done this before- she's gone to him, exposed herself through her trust in him, nearly died because he wanted power so badly. How is this different? What does he want from her? She _won't_ aid him in destroying the Resistance. She can't be a soldier in his army, killing innocents in the name of control. Her Light is too strong. It may mirror his Dark, but she can't fully reflect it.

Is she going to him only so she can try and _save_ him again? Ben is an idea, Kylo is a threat, but where is the line between them that makes the man?

She feels him. The buzzing, a brush of his force signature.

 _You aren't hiding your thoughts very well_ , he sends, sadness permeating every word.

"I'm … I'm thinking," she says out loud.

 _As I just acknowledged._ _You're reconsidering_.

"You know I'm not. I want to make sure I'm doing this for the right reasons."

 _It seems like you're convincing yourself._

"No. I… it's just so much."

 _I know_.

And he does. She knows he senses everything in her heart, even the things she can't name. He understands her hesitation.

It still pains him. She feels the hurt through the bond, but she also feels it in her own body.

"I don't know what we're doing."

 _We'll figure this out._

"You know I still don't support the First Order, right? I'm not switching sides. I'm not choosing to rule the galaxy with you."

 _Then what_ are _you doing?_

"I don't know!" she says, getting heated. "This is insane! Absolutely mental! I could have explained, I-

 _How would you explain this, Rey? How do you explain the link you have to the Supreme Leader WITHOUT becoming a weapon?_ His anger is building, throbbing in the back of her head. _How?_

"I could have tried!"

 _HOW?_

"I DON'T KNOW!"

 _Then go back! Leave! See how they treat you, how they disregard your wants in favor of what the fucking Resistance needs! See how quickly they make you plan my execution!_

The wind is knocked out of her at his words.

"Ben, I couldn't-

 _Yes, you could! Don't give me that bullshit you tell yourself. You COULD._

"Give me the coordinates. I'm not having this fight with you in my head."

 _I'm not so sure I want to meet you anymore!_

"Give me the coordinates!"

Flashes of yellow sand, mud huts plastered with straw, two suns in the sky.

She sets her coordinates for Tatooine, and jumps into lightspeed.

A/N Short chapter today, but more coming soon!!


	15. Chapter 15: Together

"Surely you can hold command for the space of a few days, General."

"I could hold command _much_ longer than that, Ren. What I wonder at is your timing."

"My timing."

"Yes, _Supreme Leader._ Your timing. You are innately incapable of hiding your disdain for the _Deathhunter_ project, and I find it strange that you would abandon your self-designated post mere hours before investors come to view its progress. They will see it as a slight, and that can cost me the funding I need."

"There is nothing I'd rather do than discuss all the downfalls of the _Deathhunter_ project with investors, for hours at a time. Nonetheless, I gave you and the other generals my word when I said I'd allow you full reign of executing this plan of yours, _if_ you could make it possible. You are a much better administrator than I. If you need the funding, I believe you can find ways to convince them, whether I am present or not."

Hux narrows his eyes at Kylo's light compliments, but otherwise his expression remains no more hostile than it typically is.

"As you wish. I will deliver a full report upon your return."

"That will be all."

"One more thing, if you will. Are you planning on taking an entourage on this mission of yours, or a comm device?"

"No."

"Do you think that wise? Something could happen, especially if you insist on going alone."

"Your concern is noted."

The general waits for a further explanation that never presents itself.

"Yes, well then. Good travels. Sir."

Hux backs away from the R-55 personal cruiser, facing Kylo a respectable length of distance, before turning away and continuing towards the exit doors of the hangar. Kylo examines the controls in his small ship before beginning takeoff procedures. His ascent into space from the dreadnaught takes seconds, and he launches into lightspeed in nearly as much time.

Emerging into the massive expanse of space instills that sense of calm he's constantly longing for. He's finally able to hone into himself and simply _be_. The lightspeed beams carry him forward, and he relaxes, knowing he has at least a few uninterrupted hours ahead of him.

He didn't realize how much _work_ the First Order was, before. He's hardly left alone, drowning in updates and urgent requests for attention from colonies all over his sphere of influence. It doesn't surprise him that Hux is pushing so hard for another ultra-weapon. It must be easier to instill fear in systems than to actually work with them.

The investors don't leave Kylo concerned; Hux can convince them to provide as much funding as he thinks the First Order needs. The real problems for the general will come when the more nefarious investors start disappearing, one by one, before they have the chance to initiate credit transfers, and when the rest of the credits show up in the Supreme Leader's personal accounts rather than the military spending accounts. After Kylo gets the credits transferred, he will begin funding his own endeavors, and the First Order military will thrive with its new transporters, personal weapons, and improved armor. Funneling credits into diplomatic missions the galaxy over, finding ways to make systems willing to work with him, will be partnered with the military improvements. The other generals will see that _he_ is the path to increased galactic prowess, not misplaced fantasies of a creeping hulk crawling across the galaxy. The more money Armitage Hux gets pledged to his cause, the sooner his stranglehold on the military will disintegrate.

Kylo takes a deep breath and tries to release his oncoming tension headache with it. He isn't leaving the _Supremacy_ only to ruminate on the First Order the entire time. No, he's leaving to address the _other_ source of his headache.

He hasn't reached out to Rey since he gave her the coordinates to an abandoned dwelling on Tatooine. Their bickering still pisses him off, and he refuses to speak with her until they both arrive. He's alert of her side of the bond, as it's been left open and humming, but he's keeping his side quiet. She may feel his irritation but she _won't_ get a word out of him directly. Why does she have to fight him on _everything_?

He'd been drawn in, as always, and she didn't realize he was there until he announced himself. His answering hostility was uncalled for, he knows it, but he's never had a handle on his emotions in the first place. How was he _supposed_ to respond? He knew she was coming to him, taking her rightful place at his side, but even when she'd made the decision to leave, with no threats and very little pressure from him, she had the nerve to second-guess herself? It inevitably made him second-guess _himself_ and the faith he'd already put in their reunion. Truthfully, that's what angered him so much- the effect her doubt had on _him_. This was the path he chose. There's no room for looking back.

It makes no difference- she's coming.

He'd selected his grandfather's homeworld for a multitude of reasons. Tatooine dwellers see any number of transports from all kinds of alliances on a regular basis, and there are hundreds of kilometers between each township. He knows their transports won't be noticed, First Order or Resistance, and he assures himself that Hux wouldn't dare try to establish himself as Supreme Leader with no hint of when his adversary would return and no comm device to track. The desert planet was the perfect place to deposit whatever outdated clunker Rey was flying. It would surely have a built-in tracker that she doesn't know to disable, as he's done in his cruiser, and he doesn't want to initiate another argument by telling her what he thinks she needs to do. Even if the Resistance followed her, they would only be met with loose ends and unconfirmed sightings, ending their search with a dust-covered remnant of her abandonment.

He's inexplicably drawn to beginning this new chapter in his existence where his grandfather began the Skywalker saga. Anakin Skywalker changed the galaxy forever. The moment coming between him and Rey feels just as monumental. In a matter of hours, they'll be in each other's presence, real presence, for the first time in a year. To say he isn't nervous would be a lie, and a bad one at that. In the comfort of his cruiser, and after making sure she can't access his side of the bond, he allows himself to remember the details he's kept at an arm's length. The feel of her soft lips moving under his, how her hands clutched his hair. Her erratic heartbeat pulsing through her neck as he kissed her below the jaw. How tight her legs got around his waist when he pushed against her, his hands gripping her thighs when she sucked and nibbled against his neck.

He's already hard, just thinking of her.

He has certain… _expectations_ … for their meeting, but he knows she'll adamantly argue for talking first. She might even try to set boundaries between them. As if anything at this point in their bond is off-limits.

Hiding beneath his physical needs is easier than acknowledging his complete apprehension about where they're headed from this meeting onward. He's had others before. Passion is part of the darkness, and physical passion is the most straightforward way to embody the dark, either through bodies coming together or bodies being torn apart with his saber. Kylo was a very angry teenager, and sex was the next best outlet when killing wasn't an option. Afterwards, when his needs were somewhat satisfied and the fake emotional attachments disappeared, he always felt like shit. Worthless. Empty. During, though… he could convince himself, for a short time, that the girl beneath him meant _something_. Fucking whores was enough of a fix that he was able to ignore the aftermath he knew would come. Snoke had his consorts, those poor beings, and he never discouraged the Knights of Ren from partaking in their own endeavors. He knew some of the Knights _partook_ of each other, but it was always their own business. Snoke never cared, as long as they could still kill each other if the need came. There _were_ times the need came, but the Knight in question was always able to deliver the last blow, so Snoke never forbade relations.

Kylo never engaged in that with his fellow Knights. His existence was messy enough. There was something he always wondered about, though. He never knew if there were attachments, or if the others only needed that momentary skin to skin contact before moving out to battle. It was never discussed.

But this girl. This woman. It's different, whatever he's starting with her. Rey.

She left her Resistance. She's meeting him, willingly. She said she _wanted_ him, and he knows that want transcends the physical. He observed her thoughts as she drifted in her x-wing for some time, before he made her aware of his presence. She not only wants him, she wants to _know_ him. Rey is trying to convince herself to accept Kylo as much as Ben. The thought of finally being known, accepted... but… she also said she wasn't choosing the First Order, or coming to help him rule. How could she become his student, his partner, without a basic shared vision of their future? His hopes are high, but so is the power she now possesses over him. Any betrayal, abandonment... This is the closest he's come to trusting another human since his childhood. Since before Snoke whispered in his ear.

Her youth bothers him, a little. She's assuredly near a decade younger than him. Does she even know her actual age? He knows from the interrogation she tracked her days while trapped on Jakku. She'll still remember how many there were before she and the traitor escaped on the Millenium Falcon. He can determine the number of days on that wasteland that make up a standard year. She'll find closure. He wants to help her move forward, but he realizes it's not killing the past, as he's called it before. No, helping her discover this innate fact about herself will be another step towards releasing the pain Jakku inflicted on her. And if he ever discovers the identities of the trash that sold their daughter to pay for a petty addiction…

The ship hums through hyperspace, and Kylo's thoughts shift to dreams of a forest-covered planet he shares with Rey.

*

He's jostled awake at his ship's lurch from leaving hyperspace. The yellow planet gets bigger before him and he guides the cruiser down to the surface.

She's here. He _feels_ her. Gods, she's already so much closer; he feels the Force around him vibrating. She feels him, too, and the touch of their consciousnesses makes him speed towards her.

As he planned, there are no other life forces within kilometers. No one saw his ship enter the atmosphere, and there's safety in his apparent invisibility. There's only Rey. He lands his cruiser, sand flying around him, and he remembers his mask. He brought it, though he wasn't sure why. It might be useful in keeping the grains of sand out of his eyes- but he wants Rey to see _him_ , not the monster she used to think of him as. He's landed near the below-ground dwelling he'd sent her to. White solar tanks and and satellites dot the surface level exterior of the dwelling, and he sees her x-wing nearby. There isn't anyone to greet him. He ignores his disappointment, pretends it doesn't exist. She is so _close_ , it hardly matters.

He grabs the pack he'd brought with him and opens his cockpit, cursing the sand that gets in. It will _never_ fully leave his cruiser, for the rest of its existence. He's still in all black, head to toe, and his hands are sweating beneath the leather gloves he's wearing. Fucking black. In a desert. It's not like he could have changed before his journey, but still. _Black_. The two suns are beating down and he already feels the beginning of a sunburn on his forehead. He'll need a spell in the refresher sooner rather than later. Kylo races forward, wind blowing damn sand everywhere, into his eyes, mouth, in his clothes. He's barely able to find the entrance with his eyes so nearly shut, but eventually he's in and he's rushing down the stairs, through the first door he finds.

Of all times to be sentimental. Fucking sand.

He tosses his gloves off and throws his hands all over himself, through his hair, trying to get most grains of sand off him.

"That won't work."

He freezes.

She's eyeing him warily. He drops his pack and stares. She's isn't an apparition the Force has created to torture him. They're in what appears to be a narrow kitchen, beige and white, stark against his black apparel, and she's right there. His eyes can't leave hers. She's several meters away, at the end of the room.

Rey makes no effort to get closer to him.

He has no idea how long they stand there, waiting, before he begins to move towards her. Her staff spins from behind her and she points it, warning him to keep his distance.

Absolutely not.

His feet move of their own accord. He's halfway into the kitchen when she jabs the staff forward, nearly hitting him in the shoulder. He shifts in time to avoid the blow, but his eyes never leave hers.

"Rey," he nearly begs.

"No. Don't come any closer."

"Rey, please." He hears his voice, but surely that's a different man, one who has no semblance of dignity left. Not him.

She's silent, tensed in a fighting stance with her staff and the short expanse of distance between them. The Force is shaking, screaming between them, begging them to touch, to close that wretched space.

"You _must_ feel it," he says as he reaches a hand out. "Tell me you feel this."

She looks to his hand, looks into his eyes.

"I do."

"Come here."

"No."

"Did you come all this way just to stay away from me? _Come here._ "

"I will not. No. We need to lay down some rules."

 _No?_ Kylo stalks forward, ignoring how she raises her staff and backs away even further. His hands are clenched, trembling in pain at the tightness of his fists. He's done _allowing_ her all the control in this.

"Ben-" she warns.

He dashes forward and she strikes. He lifts an arm to block her hit, ignoring the flash of fire across his forearm. He twists his arm around the staff and knocks it from her hands, leaps to grab her. She jumps back and ducks, then tries to kick his legs out from under him. Kylo evades her, barely, as she scatters away but he's able to reach forward just enough to catch her wrist. She gasps at the contact but still pulls away, almost slipping out. He's nearly overcome by the shock between them, but he fights against her struggling form. He maintains his grip, yanks her to him, and he's kissing her before she can get away again.

She isn't fighting anymore.

She clutches his head and wraps one arm around his neck, pulls him tighter against her. He's lost in her as he grabs her ass and lifts, pushing her against the nearest wall just to get closer. Her legs wrap around him again, and he's already hard between her legs. She's wedged between him and the wall, partially stuck and partially holding her own weight up. He removes one hand from her ass and begins palming her breast. Kylo relishes in how perfect she fits in his hand, and he can feel how hard her nipple is even under the breast bands. Any reasonable thought is gone. She's on fire beneath him. He invades her mouth with his tongue, her grip goes from his hair to his bicep as he stops palming and starts tweaking her nipple. She moans against his lips and he no longer exists separate from her. Only this moment lives in the world they've created around them.

He pulls her hair, halfway loose from their ties behind her head, and forces her chin up so he can suck that spot he loves, where her head and neck meet. Her moaning and gasping for air spurs him on as the fire burns through their veins. When he moves back to her lips, he knows she'll bear his mark for days. Let them all see his teeth on her skin. She's his, _his_.

He drops her and she catches herself. She starts clawing at his tunic, trying to find a way to his skin, but he's got her lower lip in between his teeth and it takes him a second to catch up to her. He swats her hands away and begins undoing the buttons along his side. He has to pull away to see what he's doing. His fingers shake and he's trying to go too fast.

He's halfway through when he feels her fingers tracing his erection.

It's like he hears the quick intake of breath from another man, just like his voice earlier. His hands stop and he can't move. His eyes close as she lightly caresses him through his pants, and then she must be on her tiptoes because she's kissing him, leading him through the open doorway behind them, suddenly wrapping her fingers around him as much as she can with the fabric in the way. He opens his eyes long enough to see the sitting room she's leading him to, the beige couch that must be her target.

"Stop," he commands quietly against her mouth. Her hands still and she pulls away to look him in the eye.

"Why?"

"I can't think- this is too fast. You'll regret-"

Her hand starts moving again and he's cut short.

"Why would I regret this?" she whispers before tracing his lips with her tongue. He instinctively opens his mouth and she continues where she left off, pulling forward.

"No."

Kylo turns away, buttoning his tunic, even though he doesn't really want to. He rushes through until every button is in its loop and then keeps his eyes to the wall opposite them.

She's looking to the ground.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Embarrassment floods him and he realizes it's coming from her. He looks to her and sees how red her cheeks are, how she's trying to shield her expression with her loose hair. He rushes over and is crushing her against his chest in the next breath. Her arms move around his waist but they have no strength. The effect their contact has on him is dizzying, even as they simply hold each other.

"You did nothing wrong. _Nothing_."

She doesn't believe him.

 _Then why?_

"You're right. We need to set some rules."

 _Fuck rules._

"No. I won't let you regret any of this."

His concerns of her youth, their difference in experiences, her basic uncertainty in whether they should be together at all, everything flows to her in seconds, when it would have taken hours to explain to anyone else. He's careful to not visualize the women from before, or any memories that would make her feel uncomfortable. She follows his line of thought and imagines the rest.

Him, writhing with a faceless body with bigger breasts than hers, goes through the bond. Her outright jealousy hits him next.

She shoves him away and leaves the room, disappearing further inside the dwelling.

"Rey," he calls as he follows her.

"Go away. Go fuck those girls you'd rather have."

"Rey!"

"No, I mean it! Leave me alone."

"Stop this! Stop this pointless waste of energy!"

"Screwing some big-assed whore won't be a waste of your energy!"

He whips the Force forward to hold her still.

"LET ME GO!" she roars.

"Stop behaving like a little girl! I didn't come here to… to-"

"I don't care why you came here! Go back to your First Order sluts and leave me alone!"

Kylo is seething with hostility. He glares at her, feels his blood heating and somehow he forces himself to walk away. He traces his path, following the rooms back to the stairs that lead out of the dwelling. He only lets go of her when he's above ground. He paces, desperately fighting his need to drive his lightsaber into anything nearby. He can't lose control. Not here, not with her.

How is he wrong for trying to show her _respect_?

Minutes go by. He feels her intention, her guilt. She's waiting for him in that kitchen, waiting to apologize. She tries to touch his mind but he slams the bond almost entirely closed at the attempt. He nearly gets back in his cruiser and does just want she demanded, leaving her the fuck alone. His head is throbbing. Force, he had expectations, _hopes_ even, but he never thought...

He's breathing and being swarmed by his darkness, when he does the last thing he ever thought he would do. It's a last resort so he doesn't break everything within reach.

He reaches for his light. He allows peace and calm to wash over him, a small amount, and he is able to think clearly for a few moments.

She's embarrassed, both by her forwardness and by her reaction to being held at bay. She lashed out. Maker knows he does much more damage when _he_ lashes out. This is just as confounding to her as it is him. She's allowed to feel everything she does, and he needs to understand just as he hopes she would do for him.

He makes his way back down the stairs, through the first door. She's sitting on the counter, head hanging down, until he walks to her and wraps her in his arms. She pulls him close and he smells her, sweat and jasmine and desert wind. He kisses her forehead before settling his head back into his spot between her neck and shoulder.

They'll figure it out.

A/N: HEY HOW YOU GUYS HOLDING UP??

Thank you so much for constantly reviewing my work! I loved seeing multiple multi-paragraph responses this past chapter. It is so motivating to have readers like all of you. We are almost to 100 followers! I have something... _special_... in mind when we cross that line :)

Much love and appreciation!


	16. Chapter 16: Dwelling

*Trigger Warning: light references to attempted sexual assault. Nothing too explicit.*

"Everything happened so fast," Rey murmurs against his shoulder.

Kylo nods. The past two day cycles are a blur to him, almost as much as the past hour. It feels like his conversation with Hux took place years ago. Since coming back to her, he's been content to slow down, listening to Rey's breathing and the thrum of her heart through her neck. The bond is wide open between them, as it always should be.

"I'm sorry," she says out loud. It's unnecessary, the words _and_ their spoken aspect. Hearing herself seems to make her feel better, however, so he follows her lead.

"You did nothing wrong. I _enjoyed_ it."

"But-"

"Stop. It's fine."

They let his words fade between them, and he returns to focusing on her heartbeat pulsing at his cheek.

"I was nervous, coming here," she admits quietly, "and you weren't here yet. It could have-"

 _-been a trap_ , she finishes through the bond, almost unwillingly. He tenses and stands straight, looking her in the face. She won't meet his eye, bad memories playing in her mind. He sees himself in his mask, storming off the transporter's ramp into the lush green of Takodana. He feels her panic as the masked creature hunts her, freezes her just as he did only minutes before.

He wants so badly to kiss her, to make her forget the fears he's created inside her. He almost tells her it's not too late, that if she needs to go back to them he'll understand... but he's too selfish. She's staying with him, for as long as he can have her. He goes to his pack and pulls out a nutrition bar, then returns and places it in her hand. The gnawing hunger in her stomach resonates as if it's his own, and he doesn't like it. She knows what he almost said, he's perfectly aware, but she thankfully chooses not to comment. The bar's wrapper is peeled off and she breaks her meal in half, offering him the other piece. He takes it, immediately aware of her attempt to further extend peace between them, and they eat in silence. Only the hum of the dwelling's power generator and their chewing fills the space.

"How long did you wait?" he asks quietly. Their silence is comfortable, but he finds he needs to hear her voice again, bond or no bond.

"A few hours. I still hate sand, as it turns out, so I looked around. It's pretty. How did you find this place? Whoever built it wasn't only _surviving_ on this planet."

"It's nothing remarkable," he says nonchalantly, before he remembers her barren AT-AT, with its scratches on the wall, and he winces at his mistake. "I came to Tatooine several years ago and found it. I bought the surrounding land under a pseudonym. No one else seems to be aware of its existence. It isn't on any maps, and I memorized the coordinates to keep it off any records. It's here for my personal use, if it's ever needed."

Her thoughts are louder than they've ever been.

"I've never brought women here. I only ever come alone. You're the first."

She blushes. It's not as deep crimson as before.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she mumbles. "It shouldn't bother me, whether you've partnered with anyone before. A year ago, we wanted to kill each other."

"I never wanted to kill you. Even after Crait."

"You apparently yelled you'd destroy me, to Luke."

"I was upset. You know I didn't mean it."

"Well, a year ago, _I_ wanted to kill _you_. Like I said, your previous experiences shouldn't bother me."

"I find it endearing," he consoles. "Either way, I wouldn't call it partnering," referencing her previous word choice. No, _partnering_ is something else, something full, and meaningful.

"They weren't like this?" she asks after feeling his thoughts, hope turning her words up.

"Nothing like this," he assures her. He's not sure what _this_ is, yet, but he knows this is entirely different. "They were only ever momentary."

"They had comfort houses in Niima Outpost. I understand momentary."

Memories rush forward of starving female younglings selling themselves to visiting traders. There are different shades of shame coloring her images, as she she drags load after load of scavenged parts by the girls over time. Some girls get older, some disappear altogether. The recollections become blurred, and then there's a light-haired man pinning her down, both her wrists squeezed in one grip as he fumbles with his bottoms, trying to take himself in hand while holding her leg down, before she kicks him with the loose leg and gets free. Rey runs away and the man fades along with the nightmare.

Kylo feels disgust through both sides of the bond, and he's flooded with his own protective instinct to hold Rey. He sets what's left of his bar down on the counter and his fingers trace over her cheek, willing her to look into his eyes. When she does, there's a horrible mix of pity and hatred in her eyes.

"Fareth," she answers, addressing his unspoken question. "His name was Fareth. He's a trader that came through Niima, got drunk, and left the next day. I got away. The next girl didn't."

He kisses her forehead and leans his head against hers, forcing down the taste of bile emerging from his throat. She takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"My experiences were only ever with women who were willing." She didn't ask, but he feels the urge to defend himself. "They were well taken care of, in safe establishments. They had proper medical care, and they… they enjoyed their work. They chose their clients and were treated respectfully."

"They sound like lucky women." That same jealousy worms through her heart, but there's small relief in the honesty she feels from him.

"Rey, it was a long time ago. I was young."

"Can we talk of something else?" she says anxiously, leaning her head against his chest. She pushes away more vague images of him in different positions with the faceless woman. Kylo remains silent as he runs his fingers through her hair, not sure how else to help her. Her locks have gotten so much longer. He remembers the length of it when she was in the hut, wrapped in a blanket of his, that night she told him about the cave. It was shoulder-length then. Now it cascades down her back, past her shoulder blades. He enjoys her breath warming his abdomen as she leans against him. The comfort of human contact has been alien to him for too long.

"I need to disable the tracking on your x-wing. I can show you how to do so, if you like."

"I've already done it. Took care of it a little after jumping to lightspeed." She looks up as she feels his surprise. "I tinkered with a good many downed Imperial and Rebellion fighters on Jakku."

He shakes his head. He should know by now that she'll perpetually be surprising him.

He absentmindedly moves his hand to her thigh and circles his thumb over the same spot repeatedly. She's warm and really in front of him. He still can't quite believe it. The Force created a strong rendition of her, but now he knows it doesn't compare to having Rey with him in truth. He feels her focus exclusively on his hand against her. The leggings are thin and need replacement, but he's grateful for their threadbaredness- it allows her skin to peek through.

"So what now?" she asks lightly, distracting both of them from their previous focuses.

"Now, we set our rules."

She huffs a breath out.

"You go first," he says.

"I won't help you destroy the Resistance."

He sighs. Predictable.

"If I wanted to destroy them," he starts, unable to hide the annoyance in his voice, "I could have attacked any number of times over the last year. They're weak and outnumbered in every way."

"You wouldn't attack while I was at risk of being hurt with them."

He doesn't respond. She knows she's accurately guessed his most private reason for not attacking, so she continues.

"I told them to leave Cofek-Ta. I officially have no awareness of their plans, so I can't help you track them. Even if the First Order finds them, I won't help you kill them."

"What about acting as a diplomat for me?"

The words rush out his mouth without thought, but he immediately knows how much of a powerful asset she would be in that position.

 _Diplomat?_

"A mediator, ambassador. Someone who steps in between two sides, represents one of them, but tries to find a compromise where everyone leaves benefitted from the exchange. When the Resistance inevitably fails, you could mediate between them and the First Order."

"They might not inevitably fail," she says carefully. "but, I could consider helping, if it came to that. I stand by my first words. I won't help you kill them."

He nods. Fine. He can accept that.

"Now you name one."

"Let me train you," he says with no hesitation. "You need a teacher."

"I'm not sure about that."

"Think of how powerful you could be, Rey. Think of how much good you can do by learning to control the abilities you instinctively connect to."

"You want to train me to be _Dark_."

"I want to train you to be _strong_. Stronger than you are now. The Dark is part of that, but not everything. You need to build a lightsaber, and you need to learn proper forms. You need to know how to protect your mind. I'm not the only Force user you'll ever contend with. Beings who aren't force-sensitive can do just as much damage in other ways, and controlling your natural abilities will give you the advantage."

He doesn't voice the thrill he still gets from the idea of training her. Luke and Snoke were both _wrong_ in their philosophies. He feels a rush of nervous joy at the thought of teaching her to understand the Force as he does.

She considers his words, and he gives her a few seconds to decide. They creep by.

"There are more? Force users, I mean."

"The Knights of Ren are all force users, not including any other Force-sensitives you could come across."

"They're all _dark_ force users."

"All the more reason for you to learn to protect yourself."

She thinks.

"How many of them are there?"

"Eleven, not including me."

"Are you all equals? Did they go away after Snoke's death?"

"Snoke was never their Master in the same way he was mine."

"What does that mean? Did you train them?"

"I defeated them in combat, repeatedly. Snoke chose me as his direct apprentice, giving me their mission details and the right to issue orders to the others."

"You're their Master, then?"

"Yes."

"Did you kill any of them?"

"Several. They would have killed me, if given the chance."

She tries not to respond but he feels her visualizing him in battle, fierce as he was against the Praetorian Guard. There's a slight fear in her thoughts, but there's also… pride.

"Would I become a Knight of Ren if you train me?"

"No… maybe. If you'd like. But my first instinct is you wouldn't want that."

"Why?"

He doesn't answer and he keeps his mind blank.

"You won't tell me?"

He focuses on her freckles, the fraying edges of hemmed material on her legs.

"Fine... You can train me."

Excitement courses through him and he smiles, _really_ smiles. She smiles back, small and sure.

"You. Name a rule."

"Where are you taking me after this?"

"That's not a rule," he states. She seems to accept them going together, wherever he takes her, and that releases some tension he didn't realize he was holding. "I'll answer, but does it matter?"

He has difficulty following her scattered thoughts.

"It matters. Are we going to a dreadnaught? A planetary base? Battle?"

"I was planning on us returning to the _Supremacy_. The First Order has few planetary bases, and I've no intentions to initiate any battles in the foreseeable future."

"So what's my identity there? People have seen my face, when I was… _ahem_ … your guest, before. I assume Hux knows who I am. Even though I tell _you_ I'm not defecting to the First Order, someone could misunderstand. My friends will think I lied to them."

"I honestly don't have a plan for that just yet. It's been long enough that I don't believe casual observers will recognize you. Hux, however, absolutely will." He catches something he missed before. "You said you told them to leave Cofek-Ta, and just now you said they'll think you lied to them. What, precisely, did you tell General Organa in your message?"

She tenses, then gently nudges him away so she can lower herself to the ground from her seat on the counter. She walks to the other side of the room, putting space between them. There's a tightness in his chest that grows with every step she takes.

"I know you won't like it, but... everything. As much as I could."

She passes her memory of recording with BB-8 through the bond, and as her words are repeated in his mind, he feels familiar anger build inside him. He is less able to control his actions with every passing second.

He _specifically_ told her to say _nothing_.

"You… told them… everything."

"I had to, Ben. I needed them to understand."

"Understand _what_ , exactly? You're allowed to pass confidential details about my regime to my enemies, but you refuse to aid me in any way?"

"I didn't say no to being a dip-"

"You told them I killed Snoke. You told them about _Deathhunter_ not moving forward. You told them about the coup. That wasn't information you were meant to share! _Especially_ with the people hell-bent on destroying me!"

"You already said you outnumber them in every way. How can them knowing those things be dangerous?"

"They can grow, Rey! The Resistance refuses to die! They can use _all_ of that!" He's yelling, furious beyond imagining. So much flows through him and he can't even try to keep it from her. Betrayal, hurt, _wonder_ at how he could be so _naive_ to-

"You regret telling me the truth?" she finishes, yelling back.

"You've ruined my plans, Rey! You and your need to _protect your friends from pain_."

"You put quite the wrench in my plans when you left behind a datapad and knocked two of my friends unconscious!"

"You were the one who cast me out! I didn't have _time_ to think to grab the datapad before you closed the bond."

He paces, trying to work out his many reasons for being so upset. It doesn't affect things much that she told them _Deathhunter_ was a ploy- the Resistance will err on the side of caution and assume the ultra-weapon is a possibility. Knowing about the coup tells them he's struggling for power. He won't inspire the same fear Snoke did, now that they know he lacks respect in his ranks. General Organa knows about his second Force bond, with a strong Light Force user. She'll think he can be turned, like she still believes Vader was turned by his son.

He looks weak. That's why he's so angry. Rey is his weakness, and she's confirmed his broken attraction to the Light to his mother.

"This is _ours_ , Rey. I didn't want _her_ to know anything about what is exclusively ours."

" _Why_? Leia still cares for you."

"I don't need anyone _saving_ me from the Dark, even her. I've chosen this life and I can't change anything I've done."

"You don't have to repeat the sins of the Emperor and Snoke. They were _only_ dark, and they've ruined millions of existences for the sake of power. You aren't like them. You can change everything."

"I can't do _anything_ if I'm seen as _weak_ ," he hisses.

"Ben," she says evenly. "You aren't weak."

She approaches him confidently and puts his face in her hands. He doesn't pull away as she makes him look into her eyes.

"Come back to me. Understand why I told her."

He can't speak. She listens to his erratic emotions and closes her eyes.

"I'm not going to let them hurt you."

"You'll have to pick," he croaks, unhinged at her voicing his fear of her abandonment. "I can't go back. At one point, you will have to choose between them and me. You know that."

"I know. But today, I picked _you_. Can that be enough? Just for today, let that be enough?"

He makes no external movement, but the chaos in him slowly begins to still. One day will never be enough, but today…

"Do you understand why I told her?"

"So they would have faith in you."

"I wanted them to understand why I have faith in _you_ , Ben. I wasn't tricked. I wasn't forced to leave, although circumstances certainly made things quicker. I was coming to you anyway, when you blocked me for so long. I came to you, and I needed them to see why."

She pulls his face down so she can kiss his cheek.

"Go to the 'fresher. Do your best to get the sand off you. We can talk more after."

She lightly pats his chest and walks into the sitting room. There's a soft collapsing sound, and he realizes she's fallen to the couch. He blinks, then grabs his pack from the floor in the kitchen, making his way to her. He sees her lying with her eyes closed, her body sprawled across the seats that are barely big enough for her small frame.

She needs proper sleep. Her journey was even longer than his, and she's been awake for almost an entire day cycle straight.

"Follow me," he commands softly. Rey raises an eyebrow but rises. Kylo pauses to make sure she's behind him before continuing forward.

They go down an attached hallway on the west side of the sitting room. It's wide and has several skylights in the ceiling, allowing light from Tatooine's higher sun to enter without all the additional heat. There are three doorways at the end of the hall. Kylo reaches to manually slide the door open.

Inside the small room is a double bed on a light wood platform, covered in a deep blue quilt and pillows covered in green and burgundy hues. The bed contrasts well against the orange walls, and there are three circular skylights in a row on the ceiling. It looks inviting and cozy, things he's sure a bedroom has never been for Rey.

"You can rest here," Kylo tells her. "My quarters are the room next door. There's a refresher across the hall, though I'll be using the one attached in my room."

"I thought you always came here alone?" she asks softly, wonder filling her voice.

He shrugs.

"I had the cleaning droid take care of it. This residence used to house a family, I believe. No one has ever come to claim it, but whoever abandoned it left enough home goods to make it comfortable. I've supplied whatever else it needed over time."

She walks in the room and it's like he designed everything with her in mind. He makes a mental note to find her clothing in those exact shades of blue and green, having only ever seen her in the beige wrappings she's had since leaving Jakku. The blue is especially striking against her tan skin. She sits on the edge of the bed and looks to him expectantly.

"Rest. I can wake you later."

"You promise?" she says with a gleam in her eye.

There's no response that comes in a reasonable response time, so he remains silent. It only makes her grin wider. He leaves her door slightly open as he walks out, but he catches a glimpse of her undoing the bedcovers and sliding in. He doesn't know what's made this inexperienced girl so forward, but he finds he doesn't mind it in the slightest.

Getting out of his clothing proves to be a bit of an ordeal. Sand is lodged in every crevice, and his sweat has dried in his hair and between the layers of material he's peeling off. When he finally gets his underclothes off, there are multiple piles of grains covering the floor. He tosses his clothing into the laundry unit so they'll be washed and dried by the time he gets out of the refresher. Under the hot water spraying at him from all directions, he rolls his shoulders and takes special care to wash his hair, _twice_. The grime of travel drives him insane in a way the gore of battle never has, and his paranoia is only made worse by desert living. He selects an automatic drying setting, not wanting to drip water and create sandy mud all over the floor. His hair is dried with his skin.

He senses Rey drifting to sleep, the tenor of her dreams flowing freely into his mind's eye. He dresses in light gray lounge clothes, more appropriate for the dry heat around him, as he feels her calming presence glide in and out of his consciousness. His room is less colorful than hers, with a white quilt and faded green pillows on a bed frame that matches hers. There are only two skylights on his ceiling, keeping the room colder than the rest of the dwelling, which is why he selected this room as his own. He's too accustomed to the cold of space to be completely at ease in even lukewarm environments. He lays across the mattress, stretching his neck before he settles with his datapad. He opens a file he hasn't opened since his last escape here months prior, just before the failed attempt on his life. The data file detailing the history of Coruscant comes to the screen, and he loses himself in the words being brought to life.

Eventually, his eyes start to close of their own accord and he sets the datapad down, content with Rey so near. Sleep comes easily.

*

A/N: A review suggested longer chapters so I'm trying it out! Please let me know if there's a negative difference in reading quality from longer chapters, or if you're all for it!

Not a lot of action in this chapter, but I think it's important to balance these two very active characters with time to understand each other.

Goodnight and happy reading/reviewing!


	17. Chapter 17: Armitage

General Armitage Hux is not a man who enjoys being made to wait.

He's sitting at his oversized black metal desk, biding his time by analyzing, once more, the cost estimations his engineers have re-submitted for Deathhunter. This will be the fourth attempt in recent weeks and the costs remain just as outrageous as the previous three attempts. He knew not to expect massive changes, but this is nearly the same report they delivered three days prior. He is surrounded by incompetence in all arenas.

Hux puts his datapad back on the table, leaning back to rest his strained eyes.

That _arrogant_ ass, not even bothering to take a comm device with him, uncaringly abandoning the post he killed to obtain… The _Supreme Leader_ had the audacity to imply he doesn't wish to see this project successful? As if this is something Hux _wants_ to waste his time with? Those dull generals, with their utter lack of imagination, resorting to the _exhausted_ planet-killer model, weren't challenged in any way. Ren's strangled need to find that inconsequential girl left him careless, blinded by his ridiculous obsession from the moment he heard of her… as if that waif of a girl could single-handedly kill Snoke and his lethal guards, and yet chose to leave the infamous Kylo Ren alive. How stupid does Ren think he is? He may elect to follow an emotionally detached lifestyle, but he can still recognize when a man believes himself irretrievably linked to a potential mate. That man's distraction has directly led to Hux having to spend his miserable existence combing through exorbitant amounts of data, crunching expense after expense, as he has been every night since being assigned the project.

Now, he has to meet with the vile Tahlmun sisters, and they are _late_.

The Tahlmun sisters… Sisters? Lovers? He'd rather forget their twin presences, with their silver hair and magenta eyes, the same faintly bluish skin resembling hypothermia. Unfortunately for him, their sickly forms are burned in his memory. They must be related, in some way. He doesn't know their species, though he suspects they were human, once. They're so extremely odd that he can't begin to tell the nature of their relationship. He wouldn't be entirely shocked if they were sisters _and_ lovers, to be frank. They're always touching, always speaking in such breathy voices. They're both women- he believes- but with names like Bris and Roe and their androgynous forms, even that assumption isn't entirely straightforward.

He looks to his timekeeper, the only light-colored object in his otherwise obsidian-covered office. Male, female, none of the above, they are now _very late_. The only reason he's degrading himself with patience for their social ineptitude is because they possess information on the scavenger's expected arrival from General Organa, and they _demanded_ they be in person before discussing timelines.

The sorts of people he has to deal with, in the name of the First Order… Deathhunter requires a shocking number of stormtroopers for protection during construction, and there are thousands of open contractor positions that need filling, if that construction is ever to begin. The Tahlmuns' steadily rising prices for their species capitol, especially for the human products the First Order preferred, had become a deep-set thorn in his side. For months, Hux had been fighting their price hikes, but he'd finally found a way to make some sort of compromise. Their obscene fixed price would be accepted by the First Order, for an unheard of 100 year period, when the girl was handed over.

He feels his grimace setting through his features at the recollection of their price. Acknowledging the necessity of the compromise did not make it any easier to swallow. _Dear Kylo_ needs to get his head out of his rectum and kill the girl or bed her, already. The First Order, and the galaxy by extension, needs him to get her out of his system and move on.

Hux remembers his discovery of Snoke's dissected form and the unconscious Knight, lightsaber still in hand, surrounded by the destroyed remains of the Praetorian Guard. There was _no possible way_ she killed everyone in that burning room, leaving Ren as the sole survivor as he so heatedly insisted. The prospect of that unhinged murderer following in Snoke's footsteps was even harder to accept, to be sure. Seeing him make a fool of himself on Crait was only confirmation of Hux's fears, that the First Order ship, in a manner of speaking, would go down with its new captain. He had begun meeting with potential allies who, perhaps, recognized the same danger. They had been making plans, suggestions really, for how to move forward, but the planning proved itself unnecessary. Over time, Ren's sudden spikes of destruction slowed down, and the committee of Generals rather enjoyed not being Force choked by the madman as they had been by Snoke. The unsettling mask stopped making appearances altogether. Eventually the shock at seeing his permanently scarred face wore away. It was like Ren no longer found interest in being perceived as psychotic. _This_ man who appeared in his stead was one who naturally attracted followers, who seemed to listen to his subordinates… when not distracted by finding the girl. Hux was slowly, unwillingly, turned to the idea of Ren maintaining power.

And then that dunce Requist tried to kill him.

The idiot had thought Hux wanted the helm, completely misunderstanding the points of those talks before Ren's apparent transformation. The speeches were fine, enjoyable even, but Hux had really found his calling in plotting detailed methods to move the First Order forward. Whenever Snoke came up with a vision, he made it come true, however necessary. He was willing and able to do the same for Ren, if the poor man ever stopped drowning in might be an extremely unrequited crush. Being shackled by the responsibilities of full leadership inspired no attraction. Requist's poorly-planned plot had no possible conclusion besides being captured in the web he weaved himself. Hux knew the weak man blamed him, in the end, confessing false claims in his last hours. No one else had come forward against their General, very smartly so. Ever since, Hux became determined to brown-nose Ren in every opportunity he found. It became a matter of survival, down to his success with Deathhunter. Ren could not be allowed any reason to find fault in him. In recent weeks it had appeared as though the Supreme Leader had lightly begun trusting his judgment… but they still hated each other too much to be entirely comfortable.

He rises from his chair, stiff from his lack of movement, and he walks to the clear wall of plasma-steel. The galaxy before him is wide, filled by faraway stars and the armada at his command. Seconds pace by. He doesn't know how long he stands there, simply observing his fleet. If the time came, would he hold their loyalty? Or would they blindly follow their young Supreme Leader, in the hopes that he was charting the best course?

He hopes that time never comes. His curiosity of what Ren is capable of remains strong, no matter how much he internally loathes the man.

Eventually he turns back to his timekeeper. Two hours have elapsed since the Tahlmuns were slated to arrive. Hux resigns himself to the fact that they won't be coming, and he opens up the escort catalog program in his datapad. His favorite boy has already been reserved tonight, to his chagrin. If he hadn't been expecting guests, he could have set the reservation earlier. He feels quick irritation before he selects his favorite girl instead, as well as a _fine_ dinner for one. He imagines the girl, with her flowing chestnut locks and slender build, gently feeding him while perched in his lap...

He begins looking forward to his first enjoyable evening in too long, entirely forgetting about the irredeemable Tahlmuns and infuriating Ren.

A/N: super short chapter but I wanted to post half of the chapter I'm working on so you didn't think I'd abandoned the story!! Real life got hectic, is it does, and I'm starting my new job tomorrow! I plan on publishing on Sundays, hopefully at least twice a week, until the story's completion. Read and review and thank you for sticking with me!


	18. Chapter 18: Lonely

A/N: Hello!! I think I've finally broken the spell of writer's block I was stuck in. I am so sorry for not updating much recently! Thank you for sticking with me!

*

It's dark. Stiff limbs are enveloped in layered covers and she's unwilling to move, despite her slowly waking awareness. Grudgingly, she opens her eyes. Hardly any light is peeking through the skylights above. Rey's attention shifts to the hazy shapes surrounding her bed.

A comforting warmth makes itself present when his force signature tenderly reaches for hers.

 _I see you're finally awake_ , Ben greets slowly. His thoughts offer images of her sleeping form, of his protective assurance that she's still with him, before he fades away.

As she stretches, she feels her bands and leggings stuck to her skin, nearly disgusting in their state. They're digging uncomfortably into her sides and legs, and there will be imprints from wearing them too tight for too long. Her smell must be atrocious. She slowly rises all the way, unsteady on her feet as black dots litter her peripherals, and she nearly trips over the pillows that must have cascaded from her bed as she slept. The hallway is just as dark as her room and the door to Ben's room is slid away into the wall, revealing a cave that appears to be empty. The suddenly blinding light of the 'fresher shocks her. She quickly turns on the water and begins to strip her bindings away, feeling the small burn of fabric ripping from her skin.

There's a sweet freedom in being bare, but the growing steam calls to her.

She feels tension leave her shoulders, warm water melting her down. Rey expects the hot water to run out as it always did in the Resistance 'freshers, but the temperature never seems to change. The relaxing bursts of pressure against her skin are hypnotising. Eventually, she turns off the water. She chooses to let her hair dry naturally, rather than using the automatic drying feature. The towel left for her on the sink counter is fluffy and large, more similar to the size of a bedsheet than a bath towel. As the door slides open, the steam billows out and follows her to the bedroom she used.

A softer light radiates from a square lightsource on the wall. Ben's sitting on her bed looking down at his hands. At the sound of her footsteps he glances up. Rey freezes as his eyes shift across her exposed skin. He catches himself and looks away, focusing anywhere but her.

"I see you found the refresher," he mumbles, finally meeting her eyes seconds later.

"I did," she squeaks. "It was very... nice."

"You slept well?"

"Yes... thank you."

An awkward silence thickens between them. He lowers his gaze to her shoulders and she feels her heartbeat get faster. Rey holds the towel closer to her body, willing their strange tension to disappear. All her forwardness from before is gone, and she only feels embarassment for her behavior. She must have been delirious with exhaustion, to behave so atrociously.

"I should leave- you'll want to get dressed."

She realizes she left her bindings on the ground in the bathroom, not even thinking to find a laundry unit before she bathed, but he isn't paying attention to her panic as he rises and turns around her bed. He reaches for a dark pile of fabrics on a small bench Rey hadn't noticed before, then quietly approaches, stopping a short distance away from her. She focuses on the offering in his hands instead of his height, or how she could reach out and rest a hand against his wide chest-

"There's some pieces here I thought you might need."

She steps closer to him, still clutching her towel. Ben stills as she reaches forward to lightly touch the black material in his hands. It's soft, softer than anything she's ever worn before. He watches her pick up the leggings, feeling the fabric between her fingers. Stronger shame fills her. He brought her these items, knowing she didn't have more to bring herself. The materials are all obviously expensive, easily months worth of rations. She'd die first before being able to afford to trade for these clothes on Jakku.

"What's wrong?" he asks a little too harshly. She works to keep the bond quiet, despite his gentle pushing.

"This is too much."

"No. You can't wear all beige on a First Order dreadnaught. It was necessary to bring you more appropriate clothing."

She remembers Leia offering her clothes, offering to take care of her, how she was denied-

"Take them," he urges softly, perhaps understanding some of her innate hesitation. "You don't owe me anything for this. I wanted... you should be comfortable."

The shame slides away. She wants to fight him on this, insist he's overstepped… but these items will last a long time, and she doesn't think she's ever worn fabrics that are brand new, as these obviously are. She nods, excited and a little guilty for accepting his gifts when she couldn't bring herself to accept the same from Leia. He passes the pile into her hands.

"Thank you."

She's still touching the fabrics when she hears the door slide closed. She chooses a long sleeved black undershirt to wear under a dark gray tunic, as the tunic has a neckline that comes to a point just below the start of her breasts, exposing more than she's comfortable with. The hemmed ends flare out a little past her waist to sit below her hips, and the sleeves end in the middle of her forearm, providing enough coverage even if they go outside in the heat of the sun. The leggings aren't too tight, and they have an interesting cross-stitching she's never seen before. They're comfortably thick, but she knows she still has her full range of motion. Though she's dressed more casual than Ben's typical First Order wear, she knows the outfit is still more refined than anything she's ever worn before. She feels elegant, something she's never experienced before.

Rey leaves her room and wanders back through the wide hallway, finding Ben in the kitchen. There are canteens, rope, gloves, all manner of survival materials strewn on the table around his nearly emptied pack. He looks up at her and she senses his approval at her choice of attire.

"They fit very well," Ben compliments, pausing his attempt to organize a set of portions. "Darker colors suit you."

"How did you know my measurements?" she asks, avoiding the implications of those darker colors.

"I estimated your height and weight based on how you compared to me. I also referenced how similar-built storm troopers were uniformed."

"Oh," she answers, not sure how else to respond. "There are female storm troopers?"

"Half the universe is female," he states, an underlying tone of obviousness in his voice. He returns to stacking the items into neat piles. "The First Order isn't going to limit it's military numbers due to gender."

She doesn't answer, choosing to watch him organize and re-organize his pack. His relaxed bearing tenses over time. He's starting to be irritated by something, frustration jerking his movements. Again, he pushes against the bond but she keeps it shut, though she doesn't know why.

"We need to finish discussing our rules."

Oh. No wonder he's so agitated.

"I don't believe-"

"And we need to establish our plan," he interrupts, "for when we go back to the dreadnaught. There isn't a private hangar for us to arrive in. I can't guarantee no one will see your face, if you're so adamant about staying hidden."

"What first, then?" she asks. "I've already said my piece."

"I only have one more rule." Rey expects him to continue but she sees him turning his phrasing over, trying to fit the right words together like he fits his survival gear.

"Go on."

"I understand you won't help the First Order, for now." He sees her about to interject, and he rolls his eyes. "Once you see the good we can do, you could change your mind. My rule is that you can't help my enemies. No feeding them intel. No rushing to their aid in battle."

"Your enemies being the Resistance," Rey sighs.

"Among others. You've told the Resistance enough."

"So if Hux-"

"Hux will not be an issue for much longer."

"If I discover some plot against the Resistance, you want me to sit back and stay neutral."

"Isn't that what Jedi are supposed to do?" he asks sarcastically.

"I'm not a Jedi," she objects, clear hostility in her tone. "I can't agree to that. Any of it."

"Rey-"

"Ben, I can't!"

"You can't communicate with General Organa about me," he rushes out, keeping his eyes down to the table. "She stays out of this."

"I don't have any way of communicating with them anyway!"

"Please agree to this. Don't give her anything, at any point."

"She's your mother!"

"She's my enemy!"

"Ben-"

"Enough. Agree or not. That's my rule."

She doesn't respond immediately, unsure of how to get back to the easy comfort between them from before she went to sleep.

"We need to discuss our plan moving forward," she hedges, not wanting to fight him anymore.

He tenses. Ben knows she hasn't agreed and is just trying to move on.

"I've established a solution," he begins, his words paced out carefully, "but I know you won't agree."

"I can at least hear your solution before you decide I won't like it."

His mind pushes against hers once again, but this time she opens her gates. Rey sees his mask staring her down in the interrogation room from its ash-covered pedestal, and she hears his mechanized voice call her his guest. Her chest tightens, throat fighting the impulse to scream at the creature in her memories.

"No. You're right, I don't like it. Next idea."

"You're concerned about word of you arriving on a First Order ship getting back to the Resista-"

"Absolutely not!"

"This would be simpler if you would be willing to show your face. I can deal with Hux."

"We can think of something else," she maintains anxiously. "I'm not wearing that thing."

"I don't have another solution."

"Why can't I pretend to be a prisoner?"

His eyes darken at that suggestion.

"You will not be degraded like that again," Ben growls, and for a moment Rey only sees Kylo Ren before her. Her heart thuds.

"It makes no difference to me how others see me," she tries to reason carefully as she moves forward to him. The steel in his expression makes her stop without fully closing their distance. Maybe she could do it. She imagines the mask going over her head, constraining her sight and ability to breathe-

Even without the bond, he must be able to sense her fear. It must be clear in her eyes. He softens and reaches for her to rest a gloved hand against her cheek. The barrier makes his touch feel wrong but she doesn't pull away. Accepting Ben and Kylo is a conscious choice she reminds herself to make.

"It's only for a few minutes. Enough time to walk from the hangar to my rooms. I won't ask you to wear it again."

 _His_ rooms. Where she is assuming he plans on her staying...

"I don't know what we're doing," she rushes, beginning to panic as she did in the x-wing. "We're pretending everything will be fine. I represent everything the First Order hates. You'd have me march in as your _consort_ , damn whatever anyone may think of that."

"Isn't that what you are?" he asks, taking his hand back from her cheek.

"Most certainly not!" she sputters, shocked by the turn of conversation.

"What are you then? My padawan? My ally? My enemy?"

"Ben-"

"You clearly don't want to be seen as anything supportive. You came to me willingly, punished me for separating us, but you can't tolerate anyone knowing your choice."

"This is bigger than whatever we are," she rushes. "This affects the entire galaxy!"

"You think I don't know that? Your place is with me, by my side, just as mine is by yours. The Force wills it so. This had never _not_ been about the entire galaxy."

"My place is wherever I deem it to be!"

"Stop arguing with me. You know how right this is," he entreats as he takes off his gloves and grasps her hand.

The Force flows freely once more, and its all-encompassing hum makes her think of the gentle buzzing of Luke's lightsaber in her hands. She remembers how natural practicing her flows were on Ahch-To, surrounded by light and dark energy in her focus. Her hands and mind connecting with the man in front of her feel just as right, and dangerous, as a lightsaber in her hold. The shattered lightsaber in the throne room, with its burst of explosive energy-

"I need time." Rey hears a desperate echo of herself on Cofek-Ta.

Ben inhales and exhales deeply before pulling away and returning to his previous work. The Force bond is muted, barely present between the two. The air feels colder, like any warmth between them no longer exists.

"Every moment we stay here is another moment the Resistance has to track you down. We leave by morning."

Rey nods and hides away her sudden loneliness. This is the same man who told her he'd kill her where she stood in his office, utterly devoid of emotion. She doesn't know _this_ man. Rey tells herself it does nothing to repeat themselves if there is no solution in sight. She passes Ben and exits the dwelling, finding the air outside dry and temperate. She paces to the stairs and follows them up. There's a gray crescant moon watching her from the sky, waxing from near nothingness, surrounded by sporadic glimmers of light from stars lightyears away. Rey imagines she can see Cofek-Ta from her seat on Tatooine, though she knows her friends may not be there anymore; either way, they're systems away, and she's here.

The weight of her decisions begins to crush her.


	19. Chapter 19: Trio

_This is as it should be. This is their_ _path._ Kylo reminds himself of what they're working for, repeating his mantra over and over.

It's only a matter of time until the two of them, the strongest Force users in the galaxy, are ruling the First Order together. He remembers her glory as he saw it when they touched hands; Rey, wearing dark cosmetics that exaggerated her natural beauty into something approaching a natural cruelty, cloaked in obsidian skin-tight armor and bearing a double-ended crimson blade, proudly standing at his side in dark surroundings. His vision of their future is coming to fruition, beginning with her choice to come to him. When they fought the Praetorian guard, he thought he saw glimmers of the vision-woman he'd seen hours before. The imagined Rey was fierce to behold as she radiated darkness. The Rey he saw in the throne room, baring her teeth before decapitating her guard, could easily have been the same woman; she bore no resemblance to the sweetly hopeful girl that emerged from her escape pod in the dreadnaught's hangar that day.

But, if this was the path to Rey becoming that woman, if she already was her, if fulfilling his vision truly was her destiny, why does he feel like he's dragging her, kicking and screaming, to her fate? Why does he feel like a massive piece of shit for wanting her to abandon her Resistance to whatever death the First Order issues them? Why did he want to grab her and hold her close as she passed him, and why _didn't_ he grab her and hold her close? How can he want his vision of Rey, when everything beyond the physical he's attracted to in her is gone, when that woman isn't even real? Not real, like the woman who fled her traitors to prove his worth to them, who even now hasn't escaped to the nearby x-wing so she could return to them?

It's all too much. He feels too much and he can't hold it in any longer. He can't pretend to be a statue when he knows he's rapidly spoiling their reunion with every moment that passes.

His pent up frustration finally boils over, and he throws whatever is in his hand against the opposite wall. The canteen leaves a small dent before clattering to the floor. Kylo closes his eyes and reaches for his Rey… she hasn't closed the bond entirely and he's drawn to her without needing to really search. The only form of darkness he feels from her is sadness, but the sadness is radiating from her guilt, and guilt only comes from her light, so is it really darkness he feels? She's above ground, wallowing in discouragement, regretting her choice to come to him like he dreaded she might.

He's outside and racing up the stairs before his thoughts catch up to his body. She turns to the noise, facing him as he rises from the stairs and sits by her side. After a moment, she leans back on her hands and watches the sky again. They don't speak or touch. The only sounds are their breathing, and together they watch the crescent rise higher in the sky, time meaning nothing. Kylo forgets his reasons for being so cold to her and he feels his frustration evade him, his anger no longer making sense.

The cool air is refreshing. A breeze so gentle it doesn't pick up sand flows by them, moving their clothes and making their hair dance. Kylo had forgotten what it was like to be planetside peacefully, and he almost wishes for rain.

He senses Rey wants to say something, but doesn't know where to start.

"She was very kind to me," Rey says quietly. "Your mother. She was very kind. Leia didn't push me for answers after Crait, and she didn't push me to do things for the Resistance I wasn't comfortable with. She was everything I hoped my own mother might be. She understood me, without me having to explain myself, and I felt accepted."

"Rey, I-"

"No, please. Let me finish."

Kylo waits, turning his head to watch her expression. She's pensive, but not angry.

"I think she learned from you, Ben. I think she fights so hard for the Resistance because she didn't fight hard enough for you. You, as you are now, as she knows you to be, represent everything she's fought against her whole life. She sees Kylo Ren, the murderous heir to Snoke, trying so hard to become Vader, the man who killed her entire homeworld. Nevermind that man was actually her _father_. Kylo Ren was once her son. When was the last time you spoke with her, Ben? Just spoke, or laughed?"

Kylo's skin is crawling and he's desperate to get away from discussing his parentage, something he's never really done with Rey before, but something stops him.

"Before I was sent to Luke's academy," he finally admits. All this time, and he still hates how things went that day. "It was a fight. I didn't want to go."

"How long ago was that?" she leads.

"Almost two decades."

Rey pauses, letting his admission settle. He feels her internal confirmation, and he begins wondering at how she's apparently been trying to establish his timeline. Something strikes a chord in him, at her spending her own time trying figure him out. He knows she cares, but… it's different, knowing versus feeling her care for him and accepting it as reality.

"She hasn't known her child for two decades, and you want me to make sure she never has a chance to know who you really are? You have a mother who cares, even if you believe she didn't before. I would kill for that, to have someone want me the way she wants you."

He doesn't respond, and her words float between them. Kylo keeps himself numb. The silence spreads, and they watch the dark of night fade into a lighter gray-blue early morning sky. No words have been spoken, but when the first rays of light from Tatooine's smaller sun breach the faraway horizon, Rey fully opens her side of the bond. Kylo does the same, relishing in the warmth of her mind blending with his.

"How many days were you on Jakku?" he asks unthinkingly.

"Five thousand, six hundred and sixty-six." She freezes, her brow furrowing. "I didn't know I'd memorized it... but if you ask me how old I was when I started counting..."

Kylo does quick math and knows she isn't worried about following his thoughts, being too distracted by her own.

He's stunned by her youth.

"You're almost twenty-one years old," Kylo breathes.

"How do you know that?" She turns quickly, coming to her knees at his side. "Ben?"

"You were young, too young to know your age, but you remembered you had parents," he explains rapidly. "Something made you count your days. You had to know enough about counting to know adding lines together meant something, but you didn't know shapes to represent those numbers. You were most likely four or five years old. Then it became a habit, drawing a line at the start of every new day. Jakku has a shorter rotation around its sun than the standard year, roughly three hundred and twelve days per cycle, compared to the standard three hundred and sixty five. You were close to twenty years old on the standard calendar when you found the droid, a year ago."

Rey looks at him, wonder full in her eyes. Kylo knows he did the right thing, giving her this finality of age.

"Leia told me when you turned thirty."

"Of course she did." He looks away.

"I was hoping I was closer to your age," she mumbles sheepishly as she examines the sky once more. "Twenty-one… that's so young. Younger than I thought…"

Kylo reaches for her hand and clasps it in both of his.

"You're strong. You survived for fifteen years on your own. Not many could do that."

"Not many did."

Her memories of the comfort houses come to the forefront once more, along with new memories of skeletons and insect-like husks littering the desert outside her AT-AT.

"We should leave soon." Kylo pulls his hands away long enough to get himself on his feet, but quickly reaches for hers to help her rise, and he feels relief when her memories disappear.

"Have you slept?"

"I can sleep in hyperspace."

He follows her down the stairs, back into the dwelling, and they each grab a portion bar as they pass through the kitchen. The cleaning droids have silently begun their work, having started at their programmed time when the former residents were probably asleep. They separate in the hallway to their respective rooms; Kylo checks his for anything he might have missed, and Rey begins to pack her clothes. Their rooms had already been picked up, beds made with clean sheets, and Rey's mess of clothing from Kylo had already been folded and stacked neatly.

Kylo is done before Rey, so he grabs his pack and heads to her room. He stands silently at the doorway, just watching her. She obviously doesn't know he's there, quietly observing as she flits from one side of the room to another, touching everything she can. He senses her committing everything to memory.

"We can come back. Everything will still be here."

She grabs her own pack and meets him at the door. He doesn't move, waiting for her to look up at him. She doesn't. Though she doesn't shake, he feels her growing anxiety from the unresolved argument earlier and her dread at what's to come. He feels her desire to lean against him, to sleep and pretend that they aren't moving forward into the unknown. He lowers his head and kisses her forehead, accepting how she wants to handle moving forward, then steps out of the way. She squares her shoulders before leaving the room.

They lock up the dwelling and head to the R-55 cruiser Kylo brought. He'd completely forgotten about her X-Wing, but she climbs in with no hesitation.

"You're not following me in that," Kylo yells to her. "They'll shoot you down without asking for orders."

"I know- aren't we dropping it off somewhere? We can't leave it here. Scavengers or the Resistance would find it, and they'd raid the dwelling."

He's unsure, not completely comfortable with her flying without him in the cockpit with her. His original plan was to destroy it at takeoff, but leaving an explosive transport in pieces by his dwelling would bring the same curious beings she was insisting they avoid. Allowing her to fly alone, though...

"Really, Ben?" she exclaims. "If I was going to leave, I would have already."

He grumbles as he rises to his own cockpit, still not entirely trusting her to stay with him. They fly a few hundred kilometers to the west, Kylo repeatedly checking that she's still behind him, until they find a spot in the mountainous region to leave the Resistance fighter. When they land, Rey doesn't appear to hesitate before climbing out of the fighter. Kylo turns to help her from the ladder into the cockpit, but as she reaches the top, she pauses. The mask is sitting in her seat behind him, staring them both down. Kylo reddens and tries to think of something, anything to say, but Rey simply leans forward and picks it up, placing it in her lap as she sits.

"In case we don't find a different option," she says under her breath.

The cockpit closes, and Kylo pilots the cruiser out of Tatooine's atmosphere, finding the same calm rapture that overtakes him whenever he flies. As soon as they can, he launches them into lightspeed. Blue and white streaming light capture the cruiser and he feels himself relax into his exhaustion. Rey leans forward, resting her chin on his chair shoulder. She wraps her arm around the other side and begins playing with his hair, slowly brushing it from his forehead back. His eyes close, and after a time he sees the same forest dream from when he began his journey to Tatooine.

Her fingers are soft against him, her slow breath against his neck keeping him warm despite the cold of space.

*

When they arrive, Kylo is already close to waking.

He can sense the ship slowing down, how Rey's hands have stilled against his hair. She's distracted by something, and he assumes it's the visual amazement of being surrounded by black, as she was in the x-wing. He remembers the first time he travelled through the openness of space as a youngling, how he'd watch the skies from his father's lap in the Falcon. For a moment, he is able to forget his sins and feel the joy flying with his father filled him with. As an adult, he'd become so accustomed to being surrounded by space, living on dreadnaught after dreadnaught. Everything on Snoke's ship was black, except the throne room. He'd once wished for more color…

The giveaway lurch commands all his attention, and he's immediately checking for surveillance ships who might attempt to shoot down the unrecognized cruiser he commands. There's no one nearby, and Kylo hopes the hangar will be empty.

"R-55 Cruiser, please state your credentials and intention before initiating approach," a brassy voice calls through the ship's receiving speakers. Kylo only has to throw his Force awareness forward for a moment before pinpointing which flight controller hasn't checked his records before establishing contact.

"TY-3422, if you check your records you will find all the credentials necessary for this ship."

Kylo is unconcerned with the time it takes for TY-3422 to realize his mistake. He guides the ship forward.

"OH! Ah, pardon me, sir, ahem. Excuse my mistake. You are free to enter at will."

"At ease. Approaching now."

Rey is fidgeting in the chair behind him. He checks his timekeeper- the ship will be in the midst of a shift change. The hangar should be empty enough-

"Sir, welcome back aboard," Hux's voice glides through the speakers. "I am unfortunately unable to meet you, as your arrival was unexpected. I can attend to you at your earliest convenience."

"Fine, Hux."

The voice disappears as they approach the entrance to the bay.

"Mask or no mask?" Kylo asks easily. He feels her tension and wants to come off as relaxed as possible. No reason to spark her into aggression now.

"No mask."

"Are you sure?"

"No mask," she repeats. "I have an idea."

They land before Kylo is able to inquire more about her idea. The harsh white light of the bay allows no one to stay hidden; there is a troop of soldiers marching to the far exit, and there are a few technicians running what appears to be diagnostics on a few of the flights. The R-55 cruiser isn't his typical ship, so they haven't captured anyone's immediate attention as his signature transport might have. Kylo grabs his pack and his mask before climbing over the side of the cockpit to the ladder. He pauses when she doesn't move. She's frozen, remembering the last time she was on a First Order dreadnaught.

"Rey," he coos. "You're safe. I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt you before they are remotely able to act on it."

"I'm not worried about people hurting me," she concedes before meeting his eye. There's years of sadness he's startled to find. "I can't let my friends think I defected. That's not why I'm here."

"I know," he consoles, and he does know. He knows she's here for him, but not what he's working for, and it takes everything in him to see her good intentions. It's more than anyone's ever done for him, more than anything he deserves.

She takes his hand and squeezes, then takes a deep breath. The bond is opened wide at her breath, and he climbs down with her trailing closely behind him. Then, the bond explodes out, and it's like he can feel a shield bubbling around them. As they walk, no one looks in their direction or pays them any attention. Rey takes his mask and holds it close to her body, with no explanation. He leads her to his chambers, on the far side of the dreadnaught, and through elevators and hallways people and droids alike treat them as if they're nothing worth investigating. He feels Rey's constantly shifting gaze, trying to observe everything they walk by. She's clutching the mask and hurriedly trying to stay close to Kylo, keeping up with his much longer strides.

Upon arriving to his door, Kylo takes Rey's wrist and leads her hand to the locking datapad. He programs her as an authorized user, not explaining anything to her for fear of being heard. Their thoughts flow freely, so she can fill his complete lack of ill-intent, but her mind is still racing, trying to explain to herself why it's a good thing she's being given access, that she's not the same as the whores he's had before, that she isn't being groomed for a nicer comfort house than the one in Niima. Kylo hears all this, aware that it isn't intended for him to hear, and his blood begins to simmer at her silent accusations towards him. If that's her definition of _consort_ , he needs to redefine the word as soon as possible, just as he did _partnering_.

They enter his sitting room and find it spotless. The droids had been cleaning on double-duty ever since his sudden need to redecorate weeks prior. Rey and Kylo enter, and he shuts the door behind them, locking it internally to prevent any unexpected visitors. Rey finds a nearby table to put the mask on, before standing and examining the room she's found herself in. He sees everything as if for the first time- the fine simple furniture, the lack of personal touches but for a few books and maps of different planets he'd visited in his youth. Maps of planets he'd visited for missions brought him no happy memories, so they weren't present. The walls were blue-gray like the early morning sky on Tatooine, but everything else was dark and mechanical.

He'd never realized how cold his surroundings were until now, as he watches Rey take everything in. Even in her dark colors, she stands out, innocently commanding all his attention. She turns her head over her shoulder, her hair long against her back, and he can't help but meet her and graze her arms, her shoulders, finally her cheek as he leans forward to kiss her. The shield fades away and as her lips open for him, he realizes what she's done, intentionally or not. They both drop their packs and he grasps her waist, pulling her flush against him.

"You used the Force to make us invisible," he whispers against her mouth.

"I wanted to try," she sighs out when he pulls away to hug her tight. "Anything to stay out of the mask."

They don't talk anymore- it's becoming more and more difficult for Kylo to see reason, to see he should pull away and leave her to gather her bearings, with so many changes, but when he leans back down, her lips open wider for him and his fingers tighten against her hip so much he knows there will be a bruise. He'll see it later, he's sure, and he'll do his best to make it up to her… She only groans against his mouth and he keeps moving his lips against hers.

She's here. She's with him. Their lives together start _now_.

 _Knock knock knock._

They stop, slowing their movements until their faces hardly touch. Rey takes his hand and kisses it before squeezing and turning, finding another room to hide in.

 _Knock knock knock knock knock knock-_

Kylo has to adjust himself before going to the door. Hux, with his hair disheveled and his eyes bright with exertion, is _pissed_. He pushes his way through the door, sliding it shut behind him.

"Ren, the next time you leave your post, you are taking a comm device! _Do you understand?_ "

"What's happened?" Kylo answers angrily, meeting Hux's hostility with his own for being talked to like a youngling.

"I hope that girl was the greatest fuck of your life, because the First Order is at major risk! It better have been worth it!"

Kylo braces his hand against the crossguard at his waist.

"Oh, don't act like you're offended," Hux throws casually, rolling his eyes before walking further into the room. "No one else knows about you running off for the scavenger. I can't afford the Supreme Leader appearing as a lovestruck teenage boy mooning over an unattainable beauty. You're not an adolescent, yet you choose to behave like one. Someone has to keep up the act around here."

"Talk," Kylo commands through clenched teeth.

"The Tahlmuns have been playing both sides against the middle, or in our case, dozens of confederations and systems through the galaxy against us. They've been taking our funds for the recruits we buy, and-"

Hux narrows his eyes at the two packs lying on the floor, before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Where is she?" he asks wearily.

"No one else is here," Kylo warns. He feels Rey go alert, looking for a weapon as quietly as possible.

"Don't act daft, Ren. How stupid do you think I am? You left with one bag and now have two, and the mask is on a table instead of its shrine. You brought the girl."

Kylo grabs the crossguard and ignites his lightsaber, swinging it in a circle so Hux's neck lies just before the apex where the side vents and main streams of energy meet.

"Ben, stop!" Rey emerges from the side room, and all three freeze. _Damn it._

"Shall we all calm down, then?" Hux croons. "Hello, dear scavenger. I'm so glad to have you as a visitor. Did you enjoy your stay on Tatooine? Lovely planet, isn't it? Surely it reminded you of the _paradise_ you once called home-"

"Say one more word to her, and I'll end you."

Hux's eyes focus back to Kylo's face, and he maintains a steady gaze.

"I assure you, you _don't_ want to do anything of the sort."

"What was that about the Tahlmuns?" Rey asks hurriedly.

"Tell your man to lower the saber and we can all have a cordial conversation."

"Ben…"

"Ben?" Hux continues to goad, openly enjoying the power he has over the situation despite the weapon at his neck. "That's an interesting name. I've _never_ heard you called that before."

Kylo narrows his eyes before extinguishing the lightsaber and stepping away. There are small blisters emerging in a line across Hux's neck but the general shows no apparent concern for them.

"Ah, yes. You probably haven't eaten yet, and the girl could stand to eat something fried so she doesn't blow away. Why don't we call for supper." All of Hux's previous hostility seems to have dissipated as he glances through his datapad. "Do you drink, Rey of Jakku?"

Rey glares at him without answering.

"I assume not… something easy then. A light ale. Ren, do you care for a strong Calrissian whiskey? I'm sure you do. I most certainly am having one, if you care to join me."


	20. Chapter 20: Confused

He stands at a curved desk, leaning his weight forward with both hands, staring into the empty center of the room. Officers flow around him, organizing the new base's command center with a united purpose. The room is dimly lit by datapad and battle surveyor screens coming to life, one by one. Clanging sounds of construction blend with metal equipment scraping against the plasteel flooring. He's separate, tense, waiting-

The power generators shudder, lights flickering, then everything surges with a powerful groan. The floor's holo projector blooms a metallic blue-gray blueprint.

Loud voices turn to whispers and the room goes quiet as people take their seats and prepare for the briefing.

Leia walks to the side of the holo, looking around and engaging her audience.

"This is the prototype set of plans for a new First Order weapon," Leia says slowly. "Project _Deathhunter_. _Starkiller_ was able to destroy multiple planets with one blast of power- we believe this weapon will have the same ability, from a greater distance. We retrieved these plans at great cost, and, unfortunately, we all know how difficult victory will be. There is an advantage- this time, the First Order hasn't begun construction. We have the opportunity to prevent a genocide, as opposed to responding to one. Take a good look. This is our chance to change the course of history."

She pauses, letting the Resistance take in her words. No one makes a sound.

"We will be creating a special task force to infiltrate the First Order. That task force will be sabotaging their plans from the inside, and soon we will re-engage the enemy. Now, more than ever, we must work together and inspire the galaxy to believe in the power of hope. Your commanding officers will be issuing orders in the days to come. None of us are as strong alone as we are together. May the Force be with us."

Leia leaves the center of the room, walking back to the far wall near Connix.

Whispers overtake the previous quiet, but moments pass before anyone is able to look away and start leaving the room. Poe just can't, and even if he wanted to- how many times is the the galaxy going to have to fight these planet killers? How many rebels have died in battles against machines like this, and how many will have to die this time? Do they even have a militia big enough, for the Resistance to survive after that many deaths?

He's never been so doubtful of Leia's plans before. He left the Republic to follow her, he's done anything and everything- well, almost everything- she's asked and he's never looked back… but how are they supposed to overcome _this_?

Part of him, a very small part, acknowledges how the General and Connix are speaking in hushed tones across the room, and he's acutely aware of their glances towards him, no matter how subtle they try to be. He knows what they must be thinking, because, hell, he's thinking it, too. They might have had enough soldiers, if he hadn't led the bombers and pilots to their deaths against that damn dreadnaught, if he hadn't been such a trigger-happy _idiot_ -

A figure approaches, comes to stand at Poe's left.

"A task force," Finn starts casually. "Any idea who they're gonna pick?"

"I've got an idea about who they're _not_ gonna pick," Poe says dejectedly.

"You're part of Command, bud. You're too valuable."

"Valuable. Huh. Right."

"Hey," Finn asks, his arms crossed in front of his chest. "You doin' okay?"

Poe briefly glances at his friend before looking back at _Deathhunter_.

"They just keep getting bigger, don't they?"

"Let's take a walk. Get you some fresh air."

"I'm fine here."

Finn doesn't respond, and as they watch the holo, moments of expectant silence drift by. There don't seem to be any surface-level cannons for the X-Wings to target, and the central cannon must be twice as big as-

Finn leans in close to Poe. Drop it, he internally begs.

"You know, she'll come back."

Rey. Another sting of guilt.

"It doesn't make sense," Poe says, staring straight ahead, trying to keep his voice quiet so the others milling around them can't hear. "None of this makes any damn sense."

"She'll come back. She has to."

Finn thinks he's only upset about Rey. She's just a part of it, but... Something sits deep in his chest, makes it hard to breathe when he thinks of her out there alone, again, or worse, with the First Order, with that monster. Just being on Jakku for hours to find Lor San Tekka was miserable enough, and he can't fathom her willingly going back to that desert wasteland, but even that would be better than running off to Kylo fucking Ren.

He closes his eyes, remembers her laughing in the rain on Cofek-Ta. He could listen to that laugh for the rest of his life.

Poe feels someone watching them, feels it like a ghost of wind on the back of his neck. Poe looks to the right and meets the curious gaze of a young Twi'lek. Her eyes get wide and she quickly looks away, but Leia and Connix stand directly behind her.

Leia doesn't smile, and she doesn't break their connection.

He sighs, straightening his back before he turns to Finn. He jerks his head towards the door.

"You wanna get out of here?"

"I think it's a good idea for you to get out of here."

"C'mon," he says. "It's gettin' stuffy, anyway."

They file in with the crowd to exit Command, getting to the outdoor courtyard that centers the rest of the Resistance camp. Individual domed shelters circle the courtyard and thousands of towering trees provide shade from the skies. They made camp on the northern hemisphere of Redalon 8, and that combined with the nearly full coverage from the long tree limbs makes the air many degrees cooler than Cofek-Ta. They ignore the icy wind and wander further out, sporadically passing miniature shelter construction sites being built by droids and rebels alike, until they get so far from Command that no one else is near. He needs to get away, breathe on his own...

"It's my fault," Poe says quietly, matching the soft crunching of dry leaves beneath his feet.

"What's your fault?"

He thinks he could talk about it, get it out, and maybe Finn could convince him of his innocence, maybe he could tell him what he wants to hear, how this mess isn't completely from his own incompetence, how he deserves the leadership role Leia's been slowly giving him since Crait…

It won't come out. Finn can't help. There's no point.

Several minutes of Finn patiently waiting for an answer have passed by now, so Poe just picks something to say. Something still true, but easier to say out loud.

"It's my fault she left. I shouldn't have pushed her."

"You did what you thought you needed to do."

Maybe Finn knows what else he wants to say. Poe doesn't answer.

"Look, you can't blame yourself for the deal Leia made. I know you have feelings for Rey, but-"

"It has nothing to do with that," Poe interrupts, hostility making up for his brief embarassment.

"You sure? You seemed pretty bothered when Rose said-"

"Rose is young, and I like her, but she's a little naive. She doesn't understand-"

"She understands plenty!"

Poe stops and turns, nearly making Finn run into him.

"Why did you join the Resistance?" he rushes out. "Be honest."

There's a breath of time where Finn gathers his thoughts.

"It… it was the right thing to do."

"You could've stayed and done your duty to the First Order. What made you leave?"

"I… Are you saying I should've _stayed_?"

"No, I'm not, but you were trained to do what the Order told you. Why would you leave?

"I- ah, man, I don't know. Something just changed. I was ordered to fire, and I couldn't."

"You knew the First Order went to battle. You knew people died."

"Yeah, but that was different!"

"You saw something you were capable of, and you hated it. Right?"

"Poe, I don't get what you're saying. I never thought I'd have to be part of a _massacre_."

"What, you think Starkiller wasn't? You think there weren't officers families, kids, on that ship?"

"What's going on with you, Poe?"

" _Why did you join?_ "

"Why don't you tell me?" Finn asks defensively.

"You joined for us," Poe says in a heated tone, trying to make sense of his own sudden anger. "You joined for people you care about, just like the rest of us who are trying to make sense of this war. You wanted to do more than just what you were told you were capable of."

"Fine, so?"

"So, we tell Rey she's the Resistance Jedi, make her believe she's the key to ending this whole mess. What do you think that means? She'd have to fight Kylo Ren, and we'd have to pray to the Force that she could kill him. We tell her it's her duty, that that's what she's _capable_ of. And then, I go and tell her about that _vision_ Leia had, and she apparently already thinks she has _some bond_ with him-"

"Vision? What vision?"

"-and I cornered her, made her feel like we were pushing her. Interrogation, Finn, she was going to face down an interrogation! She thought her friends were going to hurt her and make her kill someone the Force put in her head. I was supposed to be on her side, and suddenly I wasn't. I scared her off."

"Rey doesn't _get_ scared off. She isn't going to just abandon us. She's not."

"Buddy, who says she hasn't already? He's convinced her they... He could be a lying piece of shit, or maybe it's real. Maybe the Force thinks it's hilarious to tie together the last two competent Force users in the galaxy, who just happen to be on opposite sides of a war that's already killed millions. Either way, the Resistance tried training her to see him as the enemy, and when push came to shove, she couldn't follow orders. She couldn't just tell us where the damn datapad came from. She left."

"But she did! She did tell us!"

"Yeah, Finn, through a _holo_ , after she was already _gone_!"

"She didn't have to tell us anything, but she did! She could have just flown off, never saying a word, but even in the hangar she was gonna tell me, until Connix came and started shooting at us!"

"She's gotta figure out whose side she's on," Poe nearly yells as he starts pacing. "Playing both sides doesn't work. The question is whether she'll figure it out in time, and what are we gonna do if she doesn't?"

The grinding high pitch pain in his head comes back; Finn is saying something, but he can't hear over the blunt stabs in his skull, just like when Ren had him strapped to that table-

*

Kylo can only stare at the red-haired general as he selects their menu for the evening.

"How do you know about Tatooine?"

Hux is amused by Rey's overly intimidating tone, and his barely hidden smirk makes Kylo wish he'd done more than blistered the general's neck.

"Suffice it to say when a task is assigned to me, I don't ask pestering questions, and I get the job done."

"That's not an answer," Rey scoffs.

Hux seems to be calculating his next words, treating every aspect of this exchange as a chess match. He stares harshly, meeting Rey's eyes and daring her to look away.

She doesn't.

There's a glint of something, maybe approval, that disappears almost as quickly as it appeared.

"Do you eat meat, Rey of Jakku? Or do you only eat whatever portions the Resistance hands you?"

Rey tenses, and even if the bond was closed, Kylo would feel her fighting the urge to tackle Hux.

"How?" she asks again through clenched teeth.

"I've been clearing flight records for the Supreme Leader for years," Hux says slowly before focusing back on his datapad. He makes another selection before setting the datapad down on a nearby table.

It takes everything Kylo has to not force choke the nuisance.

"Snoke needed me to keep some of Ren's missions classified, to the extent of making some of them never having occurred in the first place," Hux begins. "I regularly received reports and holos from his activities. The Knights of Ren never went the same place twice and left survivors. Tatooine held nothing of value for us, nor to anyone else for that matter, and there were no holos to view from his first time there. I immediately noticed the inconsistencies. After the same coordinates popped up three or four more times across the span of a few years, I ensured his visitations remained unnoticeable."

"Why would you do that?" Kylo asks, cutting off the thousands of questions he feels radiating off Rey.

"First, I obey orders, and I was commanded by my Supreme Leader to do so. Otherwise... It happened to be in my favor that the responsibility of keeping tabs on you fell in my lap. It seemed… prudent… to remove those visits from your record."

Rey approaches Hux slowly, and he holds his ground, his unusually relaxed stance contradicting the intensity in his eyes as he watches her every move.

"There's something else you aren't saying."

They stare each other down, and Kylo hates Rey being so close to him. If he so much as _moves_ towards her-

"... Perhaps. Now, are we done? There are more important things to discuss. We'll resume after dinner, of course."

"She isn't going anywhere," Kylo growls.

"No, but _we_ are. And if you were even slightly intelligent, you'd put a brigade of Stormtroopers in here with her. Or, better yet, have her put in a detention cell."

"The Tahlmuns" Rey interjects. "Poe started to tell me about them. They're where you get your Stormtrooper supply."

"Among other things," Hux says before looking back at Kylo. "Poe, of course, being _Poe Dameron_ , the _great_ Resistance pilot…"

At that moment, the doorway chimes a strangely happy little tune that entirely does not match the hostility in the room.

"Gods, yes. Perfect timing."

The doors open and two droids bring in trays of drink canisters and steaming plates. The droids stand and wait for further instruction. Hux looks around, not finding a place for the droids to deposit their goods.

"Do you never eat?" he asks, exasperation clear in his voice. "Where is your dining station?"

Dining station? It's only ever him in this room.

"The desk, then," Hux directs. The droids clear the papers and datapads littering the desk while balancing their trays. "Go, go. Get some chairs, too. Dear Gods, move faster, before I have you recycled into repair parts."

Rey, Kylo senses, is no less angry for watching Hux abuse the service droids, but she says nothing. She walks to Kylo's side, standing too far away. He wants to step in front of her, shield her from Hux's very presence, but he settles for reaching a finger out to her hand. Rey looks up and she grasps his hand fully. The warmth they create seems to settle them both.

"If you two are going to start rutting against each other, I'm leaving."

"Then leave." He closes his eyes. Of all people to be in this room, right now.

"Come and sit, already, _Supreme Leader_."

Rey pulls away and moves to sit on a stool at the edge of the desk. Kylo takes a silent breath before moving to join them. What the hell is going on? The plates are lined with colorful fruits and steaming piles of sliced red and white meat. Hux pours a caramel liquid into three cups and hands a glass to Rey. She hesitantly takes it, sloshing the liquid a little once the cup is in her hand.

"I've never seen a drink this color," she says almost to herself. "Is this the ale?"

"I watched the footage. If you can handle the Praetorian Guard, you can drink Calrissian whiskey. I doubt you'd enjoy ale, anyway. Just don't sniff before you sip. Makes the experience less pleasant."

As Kylo approaches, Hux hands him a glass as well.

"I poured for myself from the same canister for you, and her. It's not poisoned."

"I have no doubt you wouldn't poison me, Hux. If you were to kill me, you'd do it more aggressively."

"Cheers to that."

Hux reaches his glass forward, waiting.

Kylo pauses before clinking his glass against the general's, and Rey, not familiar with the tradition, simply watches them drink for a second before sipping from her own cup. Kylo feels the vapors in his eyes before the whiskey burns down his throat, but, unlike Rey, he enjoys the feeling. Rey's face is still scrunched into a comical twist after only a small taste.

"How you do _like_ that?" she exclaims.

"Years of dealing with much worse things in life," Hux says contentedly.

She narrows her eyes at him before having another sip. This time, she controls her expression.

"There, much better. Good sport."

The alcohol soothes them into easier temperaments, and they begin picking at the hor'dourves spread across the desk. Kylo can hardly believe the situation he's in- drinking and eating with Armitage Hux and Rey, the two people who have come closest to killing him. The conversation floats between Rey and Hux, and Kylo listens as she tells them about the alcohol distilled on Jakku. Hux manages to ask questions that are only mildly insulting, and Rey's description of the fermented juice that came off the top of spoiled liquid portions makes Hux gag. The redhead manages to very politely end the entire discussion about the Tahlmuns in front of Rey, and Kylo is sure he'd get more detail out of the General without her present. He won't trust her immediately, and it puts her in enough danger even being near Hux in a mostly non-hostile situation.

After seeing the man more than the nuisance he can be, Kylo finds himself hoping he doesn't end up needing to kill Hux after all.

*

A/N: HELLO DEAR READERS!!!

I have no excuses. Life gets in the way, but I'm back. Please read and review for me!! I've missed getting feedback so much!


	21. Chapter 21: Affected

A/N: Hey, so, this is rated M for a reason. Multiple reasons, in fact...

Consider yourself warned!

*

She fell asleep before Hux even left.

What kind of warrior, _survivor_ , does that? Drinks, not sips, _drinks_ whiskey with the enemy, shares stories about the origins of purple citrus and planets she wants to visit, then sprawls out on the floor as if she was too tired to find a bed?

"She's not what I expected," Hux says after patting off his mouth. "Reminds me of a girl I knew before I became an officer. Very trusting. Are you quite sure she's Resistance?"

The liquor has loosened both their tongues, and Kylo can't keep his responses from emerging. He's curious about the man he's worked beside for years without actually knowing.

"How well did you know the girl?" he asks, taking another sip from his fifth or sixth drink. Seventh?

"Not that well, if that's what you're implying. More of a sister, really. She was quite fierce."

"Rey, or the girl?"

"Both, I fear. Should've married her for that, alone. She'd have made a fine officer's wife."

"What was her name?"

"Meren. Sweet girl. Died young, years after I left, with her stillborn child. I could have killed the husband when I found out."

Kylo lets that sit. Too much personal information is not a necessity.

"I need quarters established for her."

"She isn't staying here, with you?"

"She… no. She needs her own space."

"For now, or permanently?"

"Have it taken care of."

Hux finishes off his glass, pours another drink.

"She'll have her own rooms prepared by the time she wakes."

"General… the Tahlmuns."

"Would you prefer the full impassioned briefing or a leadership-approved summary?" he asks sardonically.

"What happened while I was gone?"

Talk of business makes the General hesitate, finding the best wording he can.

"They're causing trouble."

"How much trouble?"

"They accepted an automated payment transfer even though it was made clear they wanted to do so in person, and the next shipment was due to arrive yesterday. There are no incoming freighters anywhere within two parsecs of the Supremacy. The middle and outer rim territories have suddenly become very active as well."

"You seem more calm about this than you did at first mention."

"I've allowed the drink to numb me a bit."

"Do the other Generals know?"

"Not… quite."

"Any plans to inform them?"

"When I have information with which to inform, yes. Until then… no need to scare the children. They are less malcontented than they were previously, but they remain ever capable of plots."

"Why are you suddenly so willing to help me?" Kylo blurts out.

"The Requist affair, and you stopped your fits of destruction. My position is to support the Supreme Leader, whoever that may be, for the stability of the First Order. It has nothing to do with you, though I suspect you may not be horrible in this role, given time and experience."

Kylo finishes his own drink in two gulps. Hux moves to pour again, but Kylo shakes his head.

"Was it all Snoke, then?" Hux asks quietly.

"Which part?"

"The unquenchable rage."

Kylo doesn't answer. He doesn't know what answer to give.

Hux looks away, sips again.

"You seem unusually reasonable as of late, General."

"As do you."

They sit in a comfortable silence. Rey snores on the ground, one leg bent, an arm cast across her eyes. He'll need to remember how low her tolerance for alcohol is, in the future...

He has to ask.

"Requist."

"Ah, that. I should have known, bringing him up…"

"You know, I'm certain, of the allegations made against you."

"Of course I do."

"And?"

"You must not fully believe them, else I would have lost a few limbs and my head weeks ago."

"You're still useful to me. For now."

"Yet not trusted."

"You've given me no reason to trust."

"I had no interest in inspiring trust. You were never meant to inherit the lead."

"Who was the intended heir? You?"

"Snoke wasn't supposed to die. We had no contingency plans."

He can't say he's surprised, if that's even the truth. He doesn't feel any tenor of lie-telling, but Hux was trained well in building mental walls, so he has no way to subtly find out. Subtlety was never a strength of his, in any form.

"You'd have me believe your innocence."

"I'd have you make a decision and get on with whatever consequences come from that decision. If you want to execute me, please do. I'd rather face that than be choked all the damn time. It's late, and I have a walk through the bunks with the drill sergeants in four hours."

Hux rises and sets his empty glass on the table. When he looks Kylo dead in the eyes, his glare is hard.

"In this unique moment in our relationship, let me be frank. I could be very useful, sir, or I can undermine you at every turn. I am willing and capable of both. This girl has no business being here, and her ties to the Resistance put us _and_ her in potential danger. I find myself enjoying her company, but I'll be more than surprised if she desires staying past several days. Send her home, Ren. Have your days, _weeks_ , even, of pretending she belongs here with you. But at the end of it, send her home and move forward."

"If she leaves, she goes back to the Resistance."

Hux considers that for a moment.

"Then send her home in a box. A viper is only dangerous as long as it's alive."

*

Rey doesn't remember being moved, but when she wakes, she's in a bed, surrounded by black sheets in a dark room. Something warm lies to her left, but all she can focus on is the pounding in her head, and even in the dark she feels the room spinning-

The warm thing shifts, curls an arm around her waist, pulls her closer, positions one arm under her head as he twists their left hands together. His bare chest burns against her clothed back and she stiffens.

He breathes deep, his nose close to her ear.

She's frozen, feeling her heart race and her head pound more. His breathing is a calming rhythm and he doesn't relax his hold on her, and… she melts, the smallest bit more relaxed. His body is hard, yet soft, against her… folded into his shape, she's completely wrapped in Ben. His steady breathing lulls her into matching his pace. Her eyes are heavy. She drifts…

*

They wake at nearly the same time, but she doesn't move or open her eyes. Ben is still wrapped around her. _Stay, please, let me stay here_. The room is mostly dark, but light replicating early daybreak peeks from the wall to her right. Her hand is loosely entertwined with his still, and as he lifts himself and pulls away, she briefly, instinctively, squeezes to keep her hold.

He stops pulling away and she wants to open her eyes, but-

Rey feels the bed shift. He places a chaste kiss against her head. She leans into him, giving herself away, and he opens his lips, traces his tongue against the shell of her ear, starts to lightly suck on the lobe, making her shiver.

She lets herself relax, knowing he'll stop when he needs to. _Her,_ on the other hand...

Control. She needs to control herself, not go to fast for him.

Ben grabs her loose hand and their fingers tie together, him adjusting so he's over her body. Rey opens her legs, feels him settle between them, wraps her calves behind his knees. He's still sucking and then he starts to move down her neck, lightly nips her pulse point, thrusts forward to meet her center. If her hands were loose, she'd reach down and-

He sucks harder just below her jaw, then soothes the spot with his tongue. She's breathing audibly now, eyes still closed.

Control. Control.

He smiles against her skin and releases a hand to rest against the other side of her neck. He lifts so gently she automatically arches up at his insistence. The light kissing slowly turns to harder sucking, and she moans quietly, keeping her mouth shut or she might be too loud-

His lips leave her neck and they meet, frenzied lips and teeth against each other. She wraps her loose hand around his neck, into his hair, pulling him closer.

It's only taken minutes, but her control is gone, _completely_ gone.

His hand leaves her neck and goes to her breast, lightly kneading against the skin before he grazes one finger against her hardened nipple. He starts to squeeze, trace her puckered skin, and even through her shirt and underlayer it's still the most intensely she's ever felt anything.

She breathes heavier still, quiet moans escaping into his mouth. Their tongues meet, dance, and she sucks his lip.

When he lifts, she opens her eyes and see his honey-colored irises, shining in that daybreak sunlight...

"More," she whispers. Closer, clothes gone, _more_.

He leans forward for her lips again. He's even more urgent, and she reaches down, tries to move a leg so she can shimmy out of her leggings. He won't leave her lips, only leans to one side to help her grab the waistband and pull. It's awkward but she gets one leg loose, and that'll do for now. They grapple with his band, pull down, and she can't see but she knows he's free, feels his cock against her inner thigh. He's back in between her legs, starting to thrust forward too slow, torturously slow. She closes her eyes, rides out what she knows is coming next. It'll hurt, but he won't _hurt_ her, he'll be sweet, and-

He hits her clit, and the spark makes her hips jump. He thrusts forward again, and again, just a little faster, only hitting her pearl, his skin smooth and getting covered in her with each movement. He catches her lips, his hair all around her face, making the room darker. She lifts her head up to kiss him harder. She's ready, _don't stop_. Rey moves intentionally with the next spark, dancing her hips with him.

He slows down again, and she feels as he barely moves inside her...

And then he stills.

Stops.

Pulls away.

He lifts his head to her cheek and kisses it softly, and then he's out of their bed before she can react.

"Good morning," he says quietly.

Heart is still racing. She squints her eyes shut harder. Gods, why, _why_ , did he let it get that far if it was just going to stop _anyway_?

She can't speak. She wants to _throw_ things- in general or at him, she isn't sure.

"G'morning," Rey croaks, slowly opening her eyes. Does she say anything? "How, um, ahm. How did you sleep?"

He laughs, barely chuckles, but it's dark, full of mirth, at her or himself?

"Better. Much better. How's your head?"

"It's been better."

She sits up and sees the bedroom she'd briefly hidden in when Hux first came in Ben's suites. It matches the same color palette as the sitting room- grays, blues, a few spots of white against the walls, black tile flooring. The bed is much higher off the ground than the bed on Tatooine; is she going to have to jump off the side?

She grabs the covers and hides her exposed skin.

Ben's gone to the other room, but after the light stops being too bright she sees him come to her side and put their packs on the bed. He opens one to rifle through. He appears _frustratingly_ unaffected by what just happened. He pulls out an extremely small case, opening it and taking out a nearly transparent square of paper. He reaches for Rey's hand and gently sets the paper substance on her palm.

"Put it on your tongue. It's a light pain reliever. It melts and gets into your bloodstream quickly."

She does as he says. Almost immediately the pounding in her head is minimized to a dull thud, and the room stops spinning.

He's grabbed the other pack, starts taking out clothes for her, but is he looking for something else? He blushes as he finds her underthings.

"Refresher is in that room, if you need it."

"Where are we going?"

Ben looks up at her through his hair as he pulls out Luke's broken saber and the Jedi texts.

"We're going to train."


	22. Chapter 22: Training

They haven't talked since.

They're heading to his private training quarters. The dark gray metal surrounding them on all sides makes her feel claustrophobic. She wants to ask Ben why there isn't anyone else walking the halls, or how the rest of the evening with Hux went, or, well, _why he won't actually sleep with her._

Is that the term? It sounds right… It's close to what Finn said about Poe's habits, but they _slept_ together last night…

Fuck. She has no idea what to say, or how to say it, or even what _name_ to say out loud here to draw his attention, so she stays quiet.

It's not like she can't handle silence. She never had much company growing up, and living with the Resistance taught her that sometimes people actually _can_ talk too much. This, though, this is complicated, and frustrating, and _embarrassing_ -

"We can talk about it."

She snaps her neck to her right, looking up. He continues walking, but he glances down to her face for a split second before staring straight ahead again.

"I never said we couldn't," he continues.

"I… if you… No. No, I don't think-"

"But you are," he interrupts with a hint of humor in his voice. "Loudly."

They approach a gray door with a hand scanner apparatus. Ben waits for her to reach forward to the control pad, lifting his hand after hers, just as they did with the lock at his quarters. The door slides open with a _whoosh_. Inside is more brightness than anywhere she's seen on a First Order ship before. All she can see is a full expanse of white tile stretching on and on. There are weapons lining the walls and sections of black foam mats placed sporadically across the room. Looking up, she notices training droids docked along the extremely tall ceiling, dozens of them, just waiting for a target to lock onto.

"How big is this room?" she asks incredulously.

"Roughly the size of two First Order hangars. I requested the hangars be renovated when the dreadnaught went under repair from the insurgent's attack."

Rey heard rumors of the impact, but she'd never pieced together how bad it must have been for the ship. She'd been so focused on getting to the Resistance before Ben could wake up and hunt her down, she never thought to look behind her at the wreckage.

Ben strides over to the weapons rack, Rey following slowly, and he presses a series of buttons into a nearby lock screen. He looks, meets Rey's eyes, and she's confused by him watching her, until she hears some sort of releasing mechanism operate behind the wall. No longer looking to Ben, she watches as the small space between the first and second row of blasters opens to reveal two crimson-lined drawers holding four different lightsabers each.

Eight. Eight! _Eight_ sabers, here, _waiting_ for her.

Rey eyes the lightsaber placed horizontally at the far end of the second drawer. It looks longer than the other seven vertical pommels, and she starts moving towards it.

"Not that one. Not yet."

Ben reaches for the first two lightsabers closest to him. He tosses one across to Rey.

"Training sabers."

She eyes the pommel in her hand. The smooth black metal is hardly surprising, but she weighs it mentally. This one is _much_ lighter than Luke's. It's like she's hardly holding anything at all. There's a slight curve to the grip that gives her more control, but otherwise, this is nothing like the weapons she's handled before.

"Training sabers?"

"They don't have the same intense energy flow. You can't cut, but you can burn. It hurts. You'll be fine, no permanent damage. They're good for younglings learning to handle weapons correctly."

Younglings.

She narrows her eyes at him, and he offers a small grin.

"Go. That's where we'll start."

He nods to a black foam square close to them and starts pulling his hair up. Without his hair all over she sees his enormous ears, and she tries not to smile. He narrows his eyes at her, sensing _exactly_ what is so funny, but there's no real heat in his glare and it only makes her laugh in earnest as she turns to go where he pointed.

They face each other across the pad, and the energy between them changes. Smiles disappear, stances tense… they measure against each other, anticipating the first move.

He ignites his saber first, a glowing red emerging from his grip. Rey copies him, and hers reveals itself to be a twin of the first. She remembers watching him bring his saber to life in the throne room, casting the red glow on his face before they turned to kill the red Praetorians.

Standing across from Ben with a saber in her hands reminds her too much of Starkiller.

"I don't like this."

Kylo Ren, slashing through Finn's back like her friend was nothing. Kylo Ren's blood dripping from the bowcaster injury, each drop steaming the snow. He's covered head to toe in black, startling against the overpowering white, just like then...

"Planning on making a move, Jedi?" he taunts. His scar stands out more than it has in months, the deep etch a shadow on his angular features.

Her two-handed grip on the pommel tightens and she focuses on the training saber's hum. She hasn't heard a similar sound in almost a year, since they'd shattered the kyber crystal in Luke's saber. He'd said it would only hurt to get hit, it wouldn't cause real damage...

She remembers the savage high she'd experienced when she'd struck him down and left him with the scar now staring back at her.

Could she do it again?

He slides his foot and lowers down. The man in front of her slowly lifts his arms, aiming his saber towards her.

This isn't Ben anymore.

When he launches himself, she has just enough time to block his strike. He slashes across, strikes down, and she's barely able to match his flurry of attacks. She isn't fast enough, can't see his trajectory-

A burn swipes across the top of her right thigh and she gasps. He immediately disengages.

"Did you only beat me before because I was injured?" he taunts more as he walks away, back to his original starting point. "I'm disappointed."

"I'm a bit out of practice!"

"Again."

This time he doesn't lower, but he does aim.

She attacks first, screaming as she jumps and slashes down. Their sabers make contact, sparks flying, and she hurriedly parries against him, forcing him back. He leans to avoid her slash to his neck and a short piece of his hair falls to the ground. She's distracted long enough for him to get to her right, and the upward path scores her ribs. She drops her saber and grasps her side, her eyes smarting with tears. Ben drops his own saber, the hum disappearing before it thuds against the foam.

"You're okay," he soothes as he covers her hand with his on her side. He has her cheek cradled in his other hand and she realizes a second late that she didn't flinch against the glove. "Do you need bacta? I can have a droid-"

"I'm fine," she says through clenched teeth. She feels like she just leaned against the exterior of her AT-AT after a day of it absorbing rays from the Jakku suns. Nothing fatal, just _incredibly_ uncomfortable.

"We can stop."

"No. Again."

"Rey," he admonishes. "You're right, you _are_ out of practice-"

"Again!"

She Force-calls the saber back to her and jumps back, creating enough space for her to pull up and lacerate his underarm. He twists, allowing that one contact, and he evades her until his own saber returns to his hand. It whips over his head and he twists again to capture it behind his back, turning in time to block her weapon and spin it out of control. He slices up, throws his saber and catches it mid-air. The saber is at her neck, not touching but close enough to feel heat, and they freeze, breathing hard as they stare into each others eyes, only inches apart.

He looks away first, disengaging as he walks off.

"Where do you think you're going?" she yells at his back. She did this before! Why is she so _bad_?

"I've seen enough. We need to work on the basics more."

"I'm just warming up! It's been _ages_ , Kylo-"

She throws a hand over her mouth and he stops midstep.

Neither one says anything, unable to prevent the new tension from getting heavier.

"Kylo," he says quietly.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"No," he stops. "It's alright. It's my name."

"It's not, though, it's just that-"

She stops, incapable of finishing her thought.

"Say it."

"Ben,"

"Go on. Say it."

"Ben... Please. It was unintentional."

"You feel like you're fighting the creature in the mask again. Don't you."

He hasn't turned to face her yet, because it's the truth. She walks to him, approaches slowly like she would a wounded animal.

"I shouldn't have, it just slipped."

"We should take a break. You need to eat."

"Ben."

"That's not my name," he repeats automatically.

"Then why let me use it in the first place? It's the name your father used-"

He turns to face her, and when she sees the fire in his eyes, she immediately regrets bringing up Han.

"Before I killed him. It's also the name my mother used. Or does she call me Kylo now, too?"

"That's not fair, I didn't mean-"

"You would know better than me."

"Ben!"

"Stop."

"Then what do I call you? _Supreme Leader_?"

"If you must! That's what I am!"

"Yes, because of your own misguided decisions, because you didn't leave-"

"Oh, we're back to this?"

"Yes, we're back to this!"

"You don't get to tell me I made the wrong decision!" he roars.

" _You_ don't get to tell _me_ that you made the _right_ one!"

He reignites his saber and she follows suit, heart pounding, ears thudding. Her anger is taking over, the built up resentment towards him for making her feel so alone, so _worthless_ for so long, finally cresting to an uncontrollable height.

She doesn't know who attacks first, but their sabers are suddenly blurs against each other. She thrusts and he matches her, his block forcing her arm to arch around, leaving her unguarded. Rey twists down, barely evading his horizontal strike, and then she comes up, pulling the Force behind her to speed up her pace. He grabs his saber with both hands and pulls down, hard, over his head; Rey turns, makes a snap judgment that she can't match him.

Relying on instinct, she reaches into his consciousness and pulls.

Memories of a much younger Han and Leia dancing, singing, fighting, flip forward. She watches them age, then disappear, as she's suddenly surrounded by mud huts and cloudy skies. A crushing weight of sadness and anxiety, and loneliness, the _awful_ loneliness; something pulling in the back of her mind, a whisper, more whispers getting louder; a woman, her eyes dark against olive skin, eyes disappearing behind-

Ben cuts off the connection. It's like no time has passed- she's still holding her own against his weakened attack. She pulls back, falling into his chest, and he wraps his right arm around her shoulders to keep her up.

"No. You're safe. I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says over and over, clutching her closer.

"I'm fine, Ben. Really, I'm fine."

"I shouldn't have gotten angry, what you call me doesn't matter, it doesn't-"

"Ben. Kylo. I don't care. It's your name. I didn't mean to bring up…"

"They don't matter."

He holds her, but she feels cold when she remembers the woman's dark eyes disappearing behind a mask that matches Kylo Ren's.

Her eyes.


End file.
